Outtake 1 - Dr. Nelson

I always wanted to help people. Even as a small child I had a desperate desire to be a doctor. I ignored sports that boys my age usually went for, rarely played outside. I’d instead sneak into my sister’s room and snatch her dolls and stuffed animals and play doctor. My parents didn’t quite understand it, my father despised it. He always wanted a son and after four girls he finally got his wish when my mom got pregnant with me. I’d been a disappointment in his eyes, but I couldn’t help that I knew my calling from day one. I was destined to be a doctor. I graduated medical school in 1983 from the University of Pittsburgh School Of Medicine and spent my 4 years of residency at a state mental hospital in Allentown, Pennsylvania. I can’t exactly recall when I started down the path of psychiatry in lieu of general medicine, but I don’t regret it. It was where I was supposed to be.

I won’t lie and tell you it was an easy ride. Psychiatry is dirty and ugly, more of an art than a science. Mental health patients rarely are fixable. Surgeons and the like get almost immediate gratification often from mending bones and fixing wounds, get tangible evidence of them having helped. Psychiatrists are in for lifelong rides; throwing everything they have into people and often never getting any sign that they’ve even made a difference. It’s not for everyone, that’s for sure.

Since completing my residency I’ve practiced throughout the country in numerous different hospitals and settings. State hospitals are always the worst, with the lack of funding and plethora of patients, often times criminally insane and uncooperative. The involuntarily committed ones were always the hardest, the ones sent to us because their mental illness led them to illegal activities. I always hated when one would come in—they were always difficult to get through to.

I finally settled in Washington State at a private hospital. I’d been practicing here for nearly 5 years and enjoying it for the most part. We had very few involuntarily committed patients come through, and in my five years there only two deemed criminally insane. They were all usually automatically sent to Eastern State Hospital in the town of Medical Lake or Western State Hospital in Lakewood. But occasionally one would come to a private hospital, when their family had enough money and sense to keep them from being sent to a state institution.

Darren Jones came in first. Darren was a nice kid but completely unable to function in society when he came to us. He was born and raised in Seattle, came from a wealthy family and was fairly spoiled growing up. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, so to speak. He was slightly naïve about the real world and joined the Marines fresh out of high school, purely for the glory of it. Operation Iraqi Freedom was already waging at this time and he was eventually deployed to Iraq. It was a big slap in the face, a huge dose of reality for him when that happened—he had a new wife and baby at home. His world came crashing down. He’d been unable to cope, his time overseas really messing with him. He was injured at the end of his tour of duty trying to save some fellow Marines and ended up discharged with a purple heart. He came home, completely broken and tormented, suffering from one of the worst cases of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder I’d ever seen. He abandoned his family and disappeared, took to living on the streets. His family was desperate to find him and save him, afraid of what would happen to him out there on his own while he was so unstable. He resorted to theft to get by, and used drugs to cope. He was withering away, killing himself slowly. It’s sad to say his own wife walked past him a few times on the street and didn’t even recognize him. It all eventually caught up to him, as it usually does. He walked into a bank, completely wacked out and determined to rob it, high on heroine and plagued by flashbacks from his time in the war. No one was injured in the situation but he threatened to kill himself and caused quite the showdown. He was arrested for that and a few other indiscretions and eventually found his way to us. He made great strides and I had high hopes for his future when he left the hospital. He’d never be able to go back, never be the person he used to be. He’d also never forget the things he’d seen or experienced, but at least now he could cope. At least now he could function.

In all my years practicing psychiatry, I’ve seen it all. Most people wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve experienced. They think I’ve got an easy mundane job, sitting behind a desk while people spill juicy secrets to me, but that’s not entirely the case. I’ve been hit and bitten and kicked and cursed at and spit on. I’ve seen some truly bizarre things; have had people tell me truly bizarre tales. I constantly have to sort through outrageous stories to try to find a hint of truth in them. It’s frustrating and infuriating and often it feels like it’s all for nothing. I once had a patient at a state hospital squirt ketchup on me and try to bite me because he was convinced I was a hot dog. I had a patient absolutely convinced their right pinky finger was possessed and bit it off. Some things can never be forgotten, no matter how much you may want to.

I remember when Isabella Swan was brought in, how utterly lifeless she was. She was brought to us by ambulance from Harborview Medical Center and had to be wheeled in on a stretcher because of her state of mind. They hadn’t done much of anything for her at Harborview, besides providing her nutrition since she wouldn’t eat and pumping her full of lorazepam. She had been detoxed off of the drugs for the most part but had some residual effects our rehab center dealt with. We kept up the lorazepam and started her on experimental doses of doses of benzodiazepines. Nothing was working so we added the sleep-aid Ambien on a hunch. Within 48-hours, she started showing responses. We were eventually able to wean her off of everything besides the Ambien.

The moment I met her it was clear she was troubled. She finally started talking and telling her story, filling in the gaps her medical records left off, and I was beginning to get an idea of where her problems lay. I thought I had her figured out, thought I understood Isabella Swan. Toward the end I truly believed I had hit upon her true problem, and although I believed until the very end that she did fear abandonment, I realized she had bigger problems. Isabella was more troubled than I could’ve ever imagined or I could’ve ever believed, because Isabella had experienced something I would’ve never understood.

If Isabella had been completely honest with me, I would’ve categorized her with the likes of Marianne. I remember once during a session I asked her if she knew what happened to Tyler, and if she knew how she’d escaped the truck in the accident. She spat off something about the supernatural, vampires or werewolves, and I scoffed. I thought she was being defiant, purposely being noncompliant. Little did I know, that was her most honest moment. But it wasn’t until now, as I stared into the eyes of evil, that I realized it.

It was the middle of the night and I was in the kitchen making a sandwich as a late-night snack when my doorbell rang. I groaned, throwing my sandwich down on the counter. I walked to the door slowly, dreading opening it. Usually the only people who came calling at this time were the police when a patient of mine was having problems or had gotten picked up.

I opened the door and furrowed my brow. A young man stood in front of the house, his back facing me. He was tall, maybe 6’2, and appeared to be slightly built. He had black hair slicked back on his head and was wearing jeans and a black shirt.

“Can I help you?” I asked hesitantly, the hairs on the back of my neck and arms standing up on end. I couldn’t even see his face but something about his posture and presence was alarming. He turned around slowly, his head cocked to the side as he eyed me. His skin was so pale it was nearly sickly white, his eyes so dark they were black. His features were sharp, making his face appear intimidating. He gazed at me for a moment, not speaking, before the corner of his lips turned up. His smirk was menacing, his gaze terrifying.

I opened my mouth to speak again, wanting to know what he wanted as I was slightly fearful. A part of me wanted to turn and run but the rational doctor inside of me was screaming that he was just a person and my fear of him was unfounded. But before I could utter any more words, his arm shot out and his hand wrapped around my neck. My eyes widened in surprise as my air supply was cut off. I sputtered, unable to breath and felt my chest constricting painfully, my lung screaming for air. He was smirking still and I tried to pull him off of me, tried to pry his fingers from my neck, but it was useless. He was strong, abnormally so. My vision went hazy and I started to black out as my body went limp.

I came to sometime later, a burning sensation deep within my chest. I opened my eyes slowly and glanced around, not recognizing my surroundings. The room was dark and damp and I blinked rapidly to try to clear my vision. It appeared almost completely vacant, a warehouse of some sort maybe. The ceiling was high up and there were windows toward the top, a few busted out. It was still dark outside, no light filtering in them. I could faintly make out the old florescent lights hanging from the ceiling. There were a few chairs scattered around.

I tried to move but felt resistance. I glanced down and my eyes widened in surprise. My ankles were tied to the legs of a chair, my arms behind my back. I was unable to move them, gathering that they were also tied to the chair. My breathing was labored, my breaths shallow. I tried to open my mouth but was unable to, something holding it shut so I couldn’t breath out of it. I imagined it was duct tape or something of the sort as it was tight on my skin.

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to wiggle free but it was useless. I was tied tightly, so tight my circulation was being cut off. My hands and feet were tingling painfully. Panic and fear were consuming me, causing my breathing to be even more labored. I had no idea where I was or what was going on, but it was bad—very bad.

Some time later a loud noise rang out, the sound of metal banging. My heart started racing fast, thumping hard in my chest. I glanced around frantically, trying to find the source of the noise but everywhere I looked was nothing but darkness. I felt the hair on the back of my neck standing again, my fear tripling. I got the sense that I was being watched; although I couldn’t see anyone, I could sense their presence.

Time passed torturously slow. My fear drove me into a panic attack, my breathing out of control, my chest hurting. I was exhausted but I forced my eyes to stay open, forced myself to remain alert. Eventually the room started to lighten some as dawn approached outside. Things were coming slightly into focus and I could tell where ever I was had been abandoned a long time ago. There was a thick coat of dust on everything, the walls mildewed and everything rusted out.

A door opened without notice across the room, startling me. My head snapped in that direction and my brow furrowed in confusion as a woman walked in. She had bright curly red hair, almost shockingly bright. Her clothing was slightly disheveled, worn and wrinkled, but she appeared clean and composed so I doubted she was homeless or a drug addict. I noticed she was barefoot immediately as she started walking in my direction. The sun was filtering in the windows now, casting bright streaks of light into the room. She walked along the side in the shadows, her steps almost bounce-like.

Her eyes met mine and another surge of fear rocked through me. Her eyes were a deep red, almost burgundy. It was unnatural and immoral looking. She stopped in front of me and her lips curved into a wicked smile. There was something off about her, something truly evil. I’d met my share of unstable and troubled people in my life, but the woman in front of me took the cake. There was something truly evil about her, it was written all over her face.

“Thank you, Kevin,” she said, her voice high-pitched and her eyes drifting upwards as she looked past me. I furrowed my brow with confusion, not understand who Kevin was, when another voice rang out from directly behind me. I jumped, startled, causing my binds to dig into my flesh.

“Anything for you, Victoria,” the male voice said, his voice full of obedience and devotion.

The woman’s smile grew and her attention focused back on me.

“I can smell your fear,” she said. “It seeps out of your pours. James always loved the fearful ones, loved it when they knew what was coming. It amplifies the taste, it’s nearly erotic.”

I stared at her questioningly, utterly confused. She wasn’t making any sense but at the same time her words had a threatening nature to them. It was unnerving. She stepped forward a few steps more and reached her arm out. Her hand was as cold as ice and a shiver shot through me. I felt her rough jagged fingernail dig into my skin as she grasped the duct tape over my mouth. She pulled it quickly, ripping it off of me and pulling my facial hair in the process. Tears formed in my eyes immediately as the pain ripped through my face. I screamed out but she just tossed the tape to the ground, still smiling.

“Who’s James?” I asked, confused, trying to make sense of things. Her smile fell and her eyes narrowed at me, and I immediately regretted my question.

“You don’t know?!” she asked sharply, cocking at eyebrow at me. I shook my head no hesitantly. She made a shrill noise, something between a bitter laugh and a scoff.

“So the girl didn’t tell you that her mate is a murderer? That he destroyed my James because of that little pet of his?” she asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, there has to be some mistake here. I don’t know you, I have no idea what’s going on,” I said, shaking my head. She wasn’t making any sense; I had no idea what I was doing here. “If it’s money you want, I have a good bit saved up in an account, you can have it if you just let me go. I swear I won’t say a word about this…”

“I don’t want money,” she yelled, her glare menacing. Her features clouded with anger, the red of her eyes morphing into black. “What I want is Isabella Swan.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Isabella?” I asked with disbelief.

“Yes! I want that repulsive little bitch dead; I want to tear her apart. And I want that boyfriend of hers to know, I want him to feel what I felt when he took James from me.” She stared at me expectantly but I was shocked, confused. I had no idea what she wanted from me, why she would want Isabella dead and what Edward had to do with it.

“Why Isabella?” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes even more. “Have you not be listening? Her boyfriend murdered my mate because of her, because he had some sick obsession with that human pet of his. And they’ll both pay for that.”

“Edward killed your husband because of Isabella?” As I said the words a conversation I once had with Isabella struck me. We’d been talking about Edward and she admitted that when she got hurt in Phoenix it happened because a man had been after her, but Edward had saved her from him. She’d been hesitant to admit that at first—could this be why? Had Edward killed the man?

“YES!” she spat.

“What do you want from me? I mean, I barely know them, she never told me anything that could help you,” I said, not knowing if it was a lie or not. Isabella had confessed a bit to me but I didn’t know what it was this obviously deranged woman was after.

“I don’t need your help,” she said, her smile returning. “I’ll get her just fine on my own. I’ve read her files anyway, they were useless.”

“Why am I here then?” I asked with confusion, not understanding why I’d been taken, why I was being held. She laughed, the sound of it sending goose bumps across my skin.

“All a part of the game,” she said with a shrug. “I figured Isabella wouldn’t be too pleased to know she’d caused another innocent person to die just because they were unfortunate enough to know her. Don’t you agree?”

I suddenly felt sick upon her words. She planned to kill me to torment Isabella. Isabella couldn’t get past the fact that she cost her classmates their lives; it tortured her every minute of every day. This deranged woman was going to murder me as part of some sick game to destroy Isabella.

I couldn’t stop the immense horror that rocked through me. I leaned my head over quickly as the bile rose up and I vomited all over the floor. The woman groaned loudly.

“Please don’t kill me. You can’t. You’ll get caught, there’s no way you’ll get away with this. Just let me go, I swear I won’t tell anyone. There has to be another way. Maybe you can go to the police, tell them what happened to James. But this is wrong, you can’t kill people like this!” I said frantically, panicking.

She laughed loudly, startling me. I looked at her incredulously. Why was she laughing? Nothing about this was funny. She was sick, demented. She looked like she was enjoying this.

“Don’t worry about me, I won’t get caught,” she said confidently.

“How can you be sure? You’ll leave evidence behind, fingerprints, DNA. It’s not worth it.”

She shook her head. “My kind doesn’t leave evidence,” she said with a shrug

“Your kind?” I asked.

“You really are clueless, aren’t you? You humans are so ignorant.” She glanced around, appearing to be contemplating something. Her smile grew and she turned to wink at me. She took a few steps sideways, into the beam of sunlight coming in the window. I gasped in surprise, my eyes widening in shock. Her skin was shining, glittering where the sunlight hit it. It wasn’t exactly frightening but definitely unnerving, unnatural. There was something wrong about it, something wrong with her.

“Your skin,” I said with shock. “What’s wrong with you? Do you have some kind of disease?” I’d been to medical school and had never heard of anything that could cause it; it just didn’t make any sense.

She smiled widely, exposing her teeth. They were sharp, razor sharp. My heart started thumping loudly and I started feeling sick again. She looked almost like an animal, inhuman. She crouched down slightly, hunching over and I heard a growl coming from her. I was frozen in fear, horrified. All of a sudden she moved and it was like a blur as she disappeared. She reappeared a second later halfway across the room. She blurred again and another second later she was right in front of me. I screamed, startled.

She laughed again. “James would’ve definitely had fun with you.”

“What the hell are you?!” I nearly yelled as I started to hyperventilate. This couldn’t be real, this didn’t make any sense. This was impossible, unnatural. I had to be asleep, this had to be a nightmare.

She sighed. “I guess no harm in telling you, considering you’re going to die anyway,” she said with a shrug. “But I am slightly surprised Isabella never told you her beloved Edward was a vampire.”

That was when it all came together. When I stared into those evil eyes and realized exactly how troubled Isabella Swan was. Exactly what she’d gotten herself mixed up in. She’d breathed that word to me twice, telling me that vampires had saved her from the accident. That she suspected vampires had done something to Tyler. I scoffed but she had meant it. I’d never believed such things; I was a man of science. Vampires were mythical; it was impossible for such creatures to exist. They’d have been discovered, proven by science if they lived. But I couldn’t deny the evidence in front of me. Couldn’t deny the red hair woman’s inhumanness, her razor sharp teeth and the instinct to run I felt the moment I looked at her.

Edward had appeared normal enough, with his polite disposition. His eyes hadn’t been red but they had been an unnatural almost butterscotch color. I couldn’t deny that I had felt a slight fear in his presence also, something instinctual. Something inside of me had told me that he was dangerous.

I sat in shock, trying to absorb it all. Everything I’d ever believed came crashing down. If vampires existed, what else existed? Isabella had mentioned Werewolves—were they also real? I automatically started questioning other things—what else had I disregarded as nonsense that in fact had been true? How many people had I deemed crazy for the outrageous stories they came up with had actually been right? If vampires could exist in this world and we are completely oblivious to them, is it so far fetched to believe that other supernatural beings could exist? Aliens? Ghosts? Psychics? Mind readers?

Were the schizophrenics really that crazy, or were the rest of us just naïve?

It’s sad that my revelation came at the end, when there was nothing I could do with the information. It rocked me to the core, changing my entire perspective of the world. But my time was up; I was at the end of my line. I didn’t see it coming, was given no advanced warning. A sudden burning pain, worse than anything I’d ever felt, shot through the back of my neck. My body went limp almost instantly before everything went black.

The last thought to go through my head before death took me was that I hoped Isabella escaped this fate. I hoped someone could save her.

Ch 63 - Everywhere

I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

“Everywhere” – Michelle Branch

Numb. Again. Fucking Numb. I was back to where I started, back at square one.

I was lying down on the white ground, staring up at the white sky. I felt nothing at all, couldn’t even feel the ground beneath me. It was foggy, hazy, reminded me of what it would be like to mingle amongst the clouds. But surely not cloud 9, because being on cloud 9 would indicate I was happy—elated even.

And happy I was not… because I was numb.

Who knows how long I’ve been here or how much longer I’d be in this state, but I hoped it ended soon. I had so much out there waiting for me, so many reasons to be happy. And I should be happy—I had Edward. After he left me that day in the woods, I truly never thought I’d see him again. Edward is a complicated creature, with his overreaction and over thinking and stubbornness. He isn’t the type of person just to say something for the sake of saying it. When he speaks, even when he’s saying something completely absurd, you know he’s put thought into it. And he surely doesn’t come to decisions lightly.

So when he spoke those words in the woods that day, as much as I didn’t want to, I believe him. I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me, he had said. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.

I clung to the memory of him in my head because I thought for sure once it faded he’d be gone for good. And even back then I knew I couldn’t live without him. I knew from the very beginning that we were soul mates, that we were destined to be together. I didn’t completely realize it but deep down I knew. I felt it. A part of myself had been missing and it wasn’t until he came into my life that I had finally been whole. And when he had said those words, that it would be like he never existed, I panicked.

Because if he didn’t exist, than neither did I. And I desperately wanted to.

I finally truly felt alive again when Edward came back into my life. And I loved him, God did I love him. I never imagined I’d feel such a powerful emotion before, never believed it possible. But the love I have for Edward is all consuming, overpowering. It’s the type of love that makes you dizzy, takes your breath away and makes you forget your own name.

But like the rock star Jim Morrison said—Love cannot save you from your own fate. Because evidently being here was part of my fate. I’ve found myself here twice now--history repeated itself. And the love I felt for Edward, no matter how powerful it was, couldn’t save me from the numbness.

But, oh how I missed it. How I missed feeling. How I missed living.

The haziness grew as time passed, my visibility decreasing. It wasn’t as if there was anything here for me to see, though. As time went on the silence distorted, muffled faint sounds creeping through. It sounded like the faint whistle of the wind at first before morphing into voices. It was only tones and tenors for a while, no audible words. But it was there and I clung to it, strained to hear it and make it out. Because I felt completely abandoned and I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. Needed to know that I hadn’t been forgotten.

I had been doing a lot of thinking, remembering. There wasn’t much else to do. I thought about everything that happened that led me here. Thought about the things I experienced, the mistakes I made. Thought about the good times and the bad.

And I thought a lot about what people said to me. Dr. Nelson had always had a plethora of knowledge to dispense, especially at the end when he cut straight to the core of the problem and called me out on my fear of abandonment. He had told me that Edward and I could be okay, if Edward would be patient and understanding. I could only hope that Edward was out there, doing just that. I needed his patience and understanding more right now than ever before.

The Lauren of my subconscious was quite insightful also, with all of her talk about fate. I gave the topic a lot of thought, trying to make sense of it all. I understood it but yet it had me completely baffled at the same time. What exactly was my fate? Was this it? Was I destined to be trapped in my mind, locked away from everyone and everything I love? Was this punishment, karma? Or was this just another stop on the highway, leading me to my ultimate destination? If so, what is that destination? Where do I belong?

I knew where I felt I belonged and that was with Edward. But Lauren also raised the point that it didn’t matter what we wanted or planned, what’s meant to be will be, so just because I felt like I belonged with Edward didn’t mean that’s where I’d end up.

I remember back in high school, when I was constantly finding myself in sticky situations and Edward had to save me, him and I had a conversation about how he was fighting fate trying to keep me alive. Your number was up the first time I met you, he had said. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that were true. Maybe we’d just been fighting the inevitable. The Lauren of my imagination would chime in now and remind me, once again, that when you gotta go you gotta go, no matter what you try to do to stop it.

But I prayed. God, did I pray that was wrong. I wasn’t ready for the story of my life to be complete. I wasn’t ready to be at the end.

It pains me to admit that I knew very little about the real Lauren Mallory. She was harsh at times, aloof toward me, so I never got to crack her exterior and see what type of person she truly was. She couldn’t have been that bad, there had to have been good qualities about her also. But I never got the chance to see them, honestly never really tried. And I regret that, regret never getting to really know her. At the time of her death, I felt nothing but intense annoyance about her existence. That wasn’t fair, she didn’t deserve that.

The muffled sounds around me were growing louder; I could almost make out what was being said, random words coming to me. The voices seemed so familiar but were so clouded by everything that I couldn’t sort it out. I closed my eyes and strained my ears, trying to place them.

The fog started growing heavier, I could almost feel it. The air was thicker, heavier as I breathed it in. There was no pain, nothing but numbness, but it was slightly uncomfortable, unnatural.

“Stay strong sweetheart,” a voice said, barely audible. It wasn’t as velvety as the one I longed to hear but it was familiar, comforting.

I opened my eyes and furrowed my brow. The whiteness was disappearing, being taken over by gray. It looked like twilight and reminded me of a conversation I once had with Edward. It’s the safest time of day for us. The easiest time, he had said. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?

Was this my twilight? Was this all coming to an end now, as inevitably it eventually had to?

It’s amazing the things you can pluck from your memory when you’re trapped inside your mind.

I felt a tingle in my chest, originating at my heart, and gasped as it strengthened, radiating out and down through my body. It was a sensation I was familiar with, a feeling I longed for. It was when our souls connected, when we were complete again. That feeling could only mean one thing.

“Edward,” I said softly, smiling. I couldn’t see him but I could feel him. He was there, out there somewhere. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I felt my heart soar at the sound of his voice. Somehow he’d heard me, somehow he understood.

Edward’s voice came to me again but it was fragmented, fuzzy. The fog was getting thicker, too thick for his words to filter through. The grayness was darkening quickly, turning to black. I forced myself up off of the ground, my entire body alive with electricity. I glanced around quickly, swinging in a circle. I squinted my eyes, confused, trying to make anything out.

It only took a moment before the blackness took over completely, leaving me in the dark. The tingling in my system dulled before disappearing entirely. I closed my eyes and sighed.

Numb again.

The air thinned, cleared. It was still black but it was as if it were void of everything. I felt light, weightless like I was floating in air. I could clearly see myself but I felt transparent, empty, barely there. There was no blood rushing through my veins, no air entering my lungs. I felt like an apparition, a hallucination.

I glanced around and squinted, seeing a faint light off in the distance. I started walking towards it, mesmerized by the fluidity of my steps. It reminded me of how Alice walked, the graceful almost dance-like quality of her movements.

Was this what it was like to be an immortal? To not be tied down by the laws of physics, to not have to rely on the human physiology? Was it like being a ghost?

The more I walked, the lighter it got. My senses were returning to me. I could make out colors and shapes, could smell damp grass and feel a gentle breeze against my neck. I could hear a bird chirping in the distance, the sound of a stream running. I walked on, until it was bright enough to start making out my surroundings. I was on an old road, so worn that the yellow lines down the center could barely be made out. I was surrounded by nothing but green—trees and shrubs and grass. The entire area was overgrown.

I glanced around and froze abruptly, my eyes falling upon a narrow almost hidden path cutting through the trees. I recognized it instantly, had been down it more times than I could count. It was the path leading to the Cullen’s house.

“How the fuck did I get here?” I asked incredulously, my face scrunched up with confusion.

A light airy chuckle came from nearby, startling me. I jumped and swung my head around to see a woman in a white dress. The dress was long and classy, but at the same time simple. She was beautiful, her skin pale and her features soft. I’d never seen her before that I could recall but there was something familiar about her, something comforting that made me smile lightly. I stared at her for a moment, taking her in. She was radiant, had a glow about her that was almost angelic, I thought.

My smile fell immediately as that thought struck me. “Am I dead?!” I asked cautiously.

She smiled and nodded after a moment. “Yes, Bella,” she said softly. Her voice was melodic, sweet.

I blinked a few times, trying to absorb the information. I died?! After a moment I glanced around, trying to come to grips with it.

“Why does Heaven look like Forks?” I asked incredulously. She chuckled again.

“Oh, no, this isn’t Heaven,” she said. “We’re really in Forks.”

She was quiet for a moment. I was a bit taken back by the way she was looking at me. Her expression was full of love, compassion. She looked at me as if she cared for me, as if I meant something to her and not like we were strangers.

“Are you my guardian angel or something?” I asked.

She smiled. “We don’t call ourselves that, but I guess you could say so. I have been watching over you. You actually don’t know how much it means to me to be meeting you, I’ve waited a long time for this.”

I nodded once, not understanding at all but not wanting to be rude. I was completely lost, had no idea what was going on. Evidently I passed away, my soul still lingering around Forks with an angel who knew me.

“I imagine you’re confused,” she said softly. I nodded, biting on my bottom lip nervously.

“Why am I still in Forks?” I asked.

“It’s just where I chose to meet you. I figured it would be more comfortable to greet you here.”

I nodded; I did feel slightly comforted to be in familiar territory. “So is this like your job? To break it to people that they’re dead? That must be a blast," I said, my natural defense to slip into sarcasm because of my shock.

She laughed. “It’s not exactly a job, Bella. I volunteered a long time ago to keep an eye on you. I had to let everything play out as it should so I couldn’t exactly intervene, but I was there to nudge you in the right direct when you needed it. We all have someone watching over us.”

I nodded. “Do I get to go to Heaven?” I asked hesitantly.

She smiled sadly. “If that’s what you really want, yes. You can go whichever way. The choice is entirely yours right now.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “I’m sure it’s better than the alternate,” I said. “I mean, who would actually choose to go to Hell?”

She laughed. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean it that way! You’d never go there, Bella, you’ve never done anything to warrant that.”

I frowned lightly. “I’ve killed,” I whispered.

“Not intentionally,” she said sharply, in a motherly tone. My eyes widened in surprise at her sudden shift from being soft spoken to firm. “No one holds that against you, you know. Lauren is happy, she’s where she’s supposed to be.”

“That’s not all I’ve done, though. I’ve lied and ruined lives.”

She smiled, sighing. “Forgiven.”

“I did drugs. I stole from people,” I muttered, looking down at the ground and kicking the gravel nervously.

“Forgiven, again. You’re forgiven for the premarital sex also,” she said playfully.

My head shot up to look at her and if I still had blood pumping in my veins, I’d have been blushing scarlet. My eyes were wide and she smiled, looking amused.

“Any other sins you’d like to confess to, while we’re at it?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Does consorting with vampires count?”

She laughed loudly. “I’m afraid not Bella. Supernatural beings are treated just like the rest of us, judged by our intentions. It isn’t often vampires make it to this stage, of course, but they’re not automatically damned. Their souls are treated the same as ours.”

I smiled. “I told him he had a soul.”

She nodded. “Yes, he indeed does.”

I opened up my mouth to speak again when a strong shock of electricity jolted through me. “Edward,” I gasped and grabbed my chest, my eyes wide with shock.

She laughed lightly and nodded. “Yes, that’s him.” I glanced at her, utter devastation rocking through me. Up until that moment the fact that me being dead meant I wouldn’t have Edward anymore hadn’t struck me. How was I going to do this? How would I survive without him? They could call it heaven all they wanted, but I’d never be in peace there. It would never truly be heaven to me without him.

“How?” I asked, confused as to how I could feel him.

She smiled sadly. “You didn’t think my son would let you go that easily, did you?”

My eyes widened in surprise as I gaped at her. Her son?! I took note of her red-tinted hair and facial features and sparkling green eyes. I gasped and she smiled.

“Yes, Edward is my son, my only child,” she said softly.

“Elizabeth Masen,” I whispered, staring at her with wonder. Carlisle had told me about Edward’s mother, how she had ruined her own chances of living by using all of her strength to try to nurse Edward when he got sick. I felt so much love and gratitude for this woman. She had given Edward to me. She created him and nurtured him, molding him into the person he was. And when it came down to it she gave up her own life, so that he could continue to live.

She nodded. “I don’t at all regret asking Dr. Cullen to spare Edward. I wasn’t exactly sure of what Dr. Cullen was, but I knew he was different. I knew there was something supernatural about him. I went to the market one day and passed Dr. Cullen’s residence. I took a shortcut through his neighbors yard and when I did, I glanced over and caught sight of him in the window. His skin was sparkling in the sunlight coming in his window. He appeared magical. So when my Edward got sick, and was dying, I knew Dr. Cullen was the only one who could save him. Dr. Cullen had the magic to.”

She paused and smiled. “I’ve watched Edward since my death and he’s made me immensely proud with everything he’s done. He’s made mistakes, of course, but we all have. I visit him from time to time, you know, although he doesn’t see me he does sense me. He doesn’t understand it though. Edward is a lot like he was as a human. He’s a bit more temperamental now, of course, but all of the goodness is still there. He’s been unhappy for a long time, felt like he was alone in the world, but that all changed when you came along.”

“Is that why you chose me? Why you watched me?” I asked.

She smiled, nodding. “I knew his happiness would come one day. I knew you were destined to change his life the day you were created. Your souls were cut from the same mold, contain the same energies. You were made for each other. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to watch it play out.”

I closed my eyes and smiled. I knew we were soul mates.

I felt another jolt of electricity shoot through me and gasped, my eyes flying open. Elizabeth was eyeing me intently.

I heard a faint growl behind me and swung around, peering into the darkness.

“He’s not very happy,” Elizabeth said softly. I nodded, frowning.

“Will he… be okay?” I asked hesitantly, concerned. I was worried about how he was going to get along without me, worried he’d do something stupid.

She sighed. “It’s hard to say. It really depends on what you decide.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “What I decide?” I asked.

She nodded. “I told you the choice was still yours, that you could go either way.”

My eyes widened in shock “You mean I don’t have to die?!”

She frowned. “No, death is necessary. You can’t live; your heart can’t survive and continue to beat. Your fate is eternal life, that’s the cards you’ve been dealt. But how you play those cards is what matters.”

“What are you saying?” I asked with confusion. She smiled compassionately.

“I’m saying you have a choice. If you want, you can come with me. You’ll be reunited with your grandparents, and someday your parents will join you, and you’ll spend the rest of eternity in Heaven. Or you can choose the other form of eternal life. You can turn around and run as fast as you can back into that darkness and back to my son. You’ll have to fight with every ounce of strength you can muster and hold on as hard as you can to buy him enough time to change you. It won’t be easy, Bella. If you come with me, you’ll never have to feel anything like it again, but if you choose Edward you’re going to have to live through the pain. It’s going to be excruciating, the worst thing you’ve ever had to endure. The choice is yours. But you’re running out of time, if you don’t decide soon the decision will be made for you. If you don’t go now, it’ll be too late.”

I stared at her for a moment, a swell of different emotions shooting through me. I felt another jolt of electricity shoot through me and I grabbed my chest, gasping.

“Can’t I have both?” I asked desperately, knowing it was ridiculous and selfish of me to want it all. Elizabeth smiled sadly and shook her head.

“Please Bella, please stay with me.” His velvet voice came faintly behind me from the darkness. Elizabeth smiled, closing her eyes and sighing at the sound of her son’s voice. “Choose me. I’ll never leave you, so please don’t leave me. I need you!”

Before he even finished the words I took off sprinting, running as fast as my legs would carry me back into the darkness. I heard Elizabeth’s faint voice behind me, wishing me good luck. As soon as I hit the darkness, I felt another jolt of electricity rock through me, stronger than that last. I collapsed, hitting the ground hard. I looked over and squinted, faintly making out a form—Lauren.

“What did I tell you, Swan? What’s meant to be will be,” she said with a shrug before disappearing into the darkness.

I closed my eyes as my body started to tingle. I could faintly make out Edward’s voice in the distance and strained my ears, fighting to hear him. “Forever,” he whispered.

The second the word registered, the most intense excruciating burning I’d ever felt ripped through my chest. My back arched off of the ground and I gasped.

The same burning shot through my neck and down my spine, into my head. I wanted to scream, wanted to stop it. I’d never imagined pain like this. I’d been infected with venom before from James, but this was ten times worse. This felt like it was eating me from the inside out; it was consuming my flesh and tearing me to shreds. The pain shot through my stomach and down my legs.

Every inch of me felt like it was on fire, every part of me throbbing. It was agonizing, complete torture. I wanted to scream out, wanting to beg for it to stop but I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk, I could move.

The pain was constant, intensifying every minute. I had no sense of time, every second felt like an eternity. I lay there and endured it, fought with everything I had. I tried to focus my thoughts on Edward, trying to ignore everything else. I was here for Edward; I was doing this so I could be with him. He was my life.

I don’t know if it were minutes, or hours, or days but eventually the pain started receding from my limbs. I thought maybe it was finally ending, that it was finally over, but much to my dismay the burning in my chest intensified even more.

I lay there and endured, I look every ounce of pain with vigor. I was strong--I was a survivor. I’d survive this.

Sometime later my heart started racing. It made my chest throb with pain, my entire body aching and stinging. The burning in my heart was outrageous, so intense I wished someone would reach in my chest and pull it out to make it stop. My heart beat so fast and hurt so bad I swore it was going to explode.

The single worst pain I’d ever experienced ripped through my heart. It beat once more and stopped, the pain ceasing immediately. Everything was completely silent, everything completely dark as I lay still. I hesitated briefly, a little bewildered, before slowly opening my eyes.

The familiar set of golden eyes greeted me at once. They were smoldering, liquid gold. There were a plethora of emotions present in them, most of all love.

I didn’t care about anything else. Nothing in the world mattered to me at that moment, except for those eyes. Those eyes were the windows to the most beautiful soul I’d ever encountered. It no longer mattered what we’d been through, the mistakes we made no longer important. Neither of us was perfect, but together we made perfection.

I knew, looking into those eyes, that I’d never be alone. That my life was now complete. He’d be by my side for all of eternity, never would I have to worry about him abandoning me. Because we were two parts of one whole, without each other we were nothing.

We were fate.

And because of that, I’d never again be numb.

Ch 62 - When We Meet Again

Fall in love when we meet again
We can finish what we started
Fall in love if we try again
And then nothing will keep us apart
We're not the same as when we first began
We'll try to change, we'll take another chance
Maybe you and I could work it out
Maybe you and I can make it

“When We Meet Again” - Alanis Morissette

Edward POV

I stood against the wall, my head leaned back and my eyes closed. I was listening to Bella’s heart rate, each thump reassuring me that things were going to be okay. As long as it was still pumping, we weren’t too late.

When she developed sepsis her heart rate had shot up to over 90 beats per minute, but since then as shock set in it had steadily declined. It was hovering around 58 now, which was below normal. Carlisle was putting a right-heart catheter in so he could monitor how it was functioning, but he knew it wasn’t good. He could hear the murmur; he could smell the infection in every thump of her weary heart.

Her skin was yellowing also as jaundice was setting in. Carlisle’s thoughts were on the conversation he was about to have with Bella’s parents. Despite the massive amounts of drugs he’s pumping into her system, two organ systems have been compromised already. She was fading fast. As it stood now, her chances of survival hovered around 10%.

Charlie and Renee knew. They both were in tune with their daughter, despite what Bella may have thought. Bella often felt out of place, like no one truly saw her. But her parents did, and they both knew she wasn’t going to survive.

Knowing it in your heart and having a doctor confirm it were two different things, however.

Carlisle walked out of Bella’s room and I glanced at him. He frowned a bit at me, his thoughts sad. It was hard on him, watching Bella waste away like she was. Him and I hadn’t really spoken much and I know he was worried, but he’d yet to question me. I knew it was coming though, I knew he was going to ask. He wanted to know if I intended to intervene and bite her, or if I were simply going to let her go.

He hadn’t asked though, because he was hesitant to mention to me that she was dying. I knew she was, and he knew I knew, but like I said—knowing and having it verbalized are two different things.

“They’re here,” I said after a moment, as Renee’s thoughts filtered to me from the parking lot. Carlisle nodded, walking to the elevator to head them off. I stayed glued to the wall, closing my eyes again.

The moment the elevator opened and they spotted the look on Carlisle’s face, dread rocked through them both. They knew they were running low on time. Carlisle led them to Bella’s room, right by me. I didn’t open my eyes to look at them, having already seen their expressions in Carlisle’s mind. I didn’t want to witness the sheer panic and heartbreak firsthand.

“Give it to us straight,” Charlie said. Carlisle sighed.

“I’ve pushed all I can into her but the infection is spreading to her organ systems. It started hitting the second one this morning, and once two of them are compromised the chances of coming back from it are low.”

Renee sobbed loudly and Charlie grabbed a hold of her, pulling her into a tight hug. “What exactly are the odds?”

Carlisle hesitated. “10% or so.” Charlie groaned and Renee continued to sob. “She’ll likely hold on for at least another day, maybe a little longer if you need some time with her.”

“Is she in any pain?” Renee asked, glancing at him through her tears.

Carlisle shook his head. “No, she’s numb.” I groaned as he said the word. Numb. I’d heard Bella use that word to describe herself and she hated it. She hated feeling nothing. “She’s not registering any response to pain, hasn’t been since she slipped into the coma. There’s a chance the infection is intervening with her nervous system, blocking out any chance of her feeling anything also, but it’s hard to tell given her state. I’m going to be giving her some morphine soon also, just in case, as the organs start shutting down.”

“I’m going to continue pushing treatment, keeping her systems functioning. I’m not going to stop fighting unless you tell me otherwise,” he said after a moment.

Charlie and Renee thanked him, and Carlisle departed. I didn’t open my eyes to look as he exited but his thoughts told me to follow him.

I sighed and pushed off of the wall, following him into his office. I closed the door behind me and plopped down in the chair across from his desk.

“What are they thinking?” he asked.

“They’re thinking Bella is going to die,” I said. He nodded and was quiet for a moment.

“And what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking in a few hours you’re going to take her off of the respirator.”

He eyed me suspiciously. “Are they going to ask me to end treatment?” I nodded. “And what do you think about that?”

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “You can just ask me, you know. You don’t have to beat around the bush and ask me what I think about things. I promise you don’t want to know what’s running through my mind. What you really want to know if I’m going to change her, right?”

He nodded. “Sorry,” he mumbled. I shrugged and waved him off.

“Yes,” I said after a moment of silence. “I haven’t figured out how to pull it off yet though.”

He breathed an audible sigh of relief, his thoughts shouting ‘Thank God’. I cocked an eyebrow at him and he smiled sheepishly. He immediately started thinking of ways we could make it happen without any suspicion at all—a way we could do it while giving her parents the peace they needed.

Because it wasn’t as if we could fake some sort of accident or just have her disappear. She was in a coma, on life support in the beginning stages of multiple organ failure. She couldn’t just get up and walk away and we surely couldn’t do it right here, right now. Charlie and Renee were going to want to be there to the end, were going to want to spend Bella’s last moments with her and say goodbye. And if we waited too long to act, it could be too late to change her. We would need her heart to be beating for the change and if her heart shut down from the organ failure, it wasn’t likely that we’d be able to start it to get it to pump the venom through.

And even after that, we still had the problem of her body. Charlie and Renee wouldn’t have a body to bury, and it wasn’t as if there was any cause for there to be a closed casket.

“We’ll figure it out,” Carlisle said softly. I glanced up at him and he smiled. I nodded and sighed, standing up.

“I’m going to go to Bella’s room,” I said, turning and walking out of the office. I walked down the hallway slowly. I knew I should’ve given her parents some time with her alone, but I couldn’t bear to be away from her at a time like this.

I paused in the doorway and gazed at Bella. Her skin was significantly yellow now. Charlie glanced up at me. “How you doing, son?” he asked.

My eyes went to his and I was shocked by the worry in them. He was looking at me with concern, his past personal feelings no longer mattering. It was all about Bella now, what she wanted and what she loved. Charlie accepted she loved me and because of that, he was worried for me.

I turned back to Bella and nodded lightly, unsure of how to really answer that question. Charlie nodded, understanding, and also turned to look at Bella.

“She said yes,” I said softly after a moment.

“Yeah?” he asked, turning back to me. I nodded.

“I asked her a few days ago. She didn’t get a chance to tell you.”

Charlie smiled lightly, a vision of him with Bella in a white dress coming into his thoughts. I closed my eyes and fought back a sob at the image of what could’ve been. Renee was looking between Charlie and I with confusion.

“You proposed?” she asked after a moment. I nodded and she started crying, whimpering. Charlie pulled her into a hug, trying to shush her, but his eyes were welled up with tears also.

A loud beep from the monitor in the corner caught our attention. She had another dip in blood pressure, pushing it dangerously low again. Carlisle walked in and went to the monitor, glancing over the screen and taking note off all of her vitals and her body’s functioning.

“I’m going to draw some blood and have the lab do a complete workup,” he said after a moment. Charlie and Renee nodded with their approval. Carlisle left and came back a moment later with a nurse. I held my breath as they withdrew the blood, trying not to watch.

I left the room after a moment, walking down to Carlisle’s office and sitting inside. Esme showed up and sat with me, trying to be comforting. Angela Weber appeared at the hospital some time later, visiting with Bella while Charlie and Renee went to go get something to eat. I stepped out of Carlisle’s office and intentionally crossed paths with Angela in the hallway as she left, wanting to thank her. She’d been a good friend to Bella, one of the few willing to come to the hospital to see her.

Early that evening the lab work came back, indicating another organ system was now compromised. Her renal system wasn’t functioning properly and she was on her way to kidney failure.

I walked with him to Bella’s room so he could break the news to her parents. It saddened them both but they weren’t exactly surprised. In fact, the news only made them breathe easier, as they’d already come to a heartbreaking decision.

“We can start kidney dialysis in the morning, if that’s what you wish,” Carlisle said. Charlie shook his head. He looked up and eyed me cautiously, worried about how I was going to react to what he was about to say. He hesitated, sighing, resigned.

“We think it’s time for us to let her go,” he said softly, emotion causing him to choke on the words. I put my head down, sighing. I knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.

Everything was quiet for a moment, none of us really knowing what to say next. Carlisle cleared his throat eventually. “Okay. We can start preparing to do that,” he said. “Do you know what your plans will be for afterwards, so we know how to prepare her, uh, body?”

I didn’t miss the quick glance Carlisle sent me.

“The plan was to have her body sent back to Phoenix, have her buried there,” Charlie said. Fear rocked through me, Carlisle’s thoughts mirroring my feelings. I hadn’t considered they’d want to take her away. “But we realized that wasn’t Bella anymore. Her home was here, her life was here, and she wouldn’t want to be stuck in the ground there.”

Renee laughed lightly. “She hated attention so we’re not going to make a big spectacle out of it. We’ll have a small service, of course, but Bella wouldn’t want people looking at her, ya know?”

I nodded and smiled lightly. She would’ve despised that.

“Yeah,” Charlie said. “So we think we’re going to have her cremated.”

They looked at me, wanting my opinion on the subject since I was going to be her husband. I appreciated being included, even though I didn’t really deserve it. “She would’ve liked that,” I said with a nod after a moment.

They nodded, agreeing. Carlisle asked them if they’d like him to contact any clergy. Charlie considered it but they ultimately declined—they were both spiritual, as was Bella, but none of them were truly church devout religious people. Carlisle departed then, to get all the paperwork in order—he wanted to handle it all himself, although he’d usually delegate it to a nurse.

I gave Charlie and Renee some time alone with Bella, knowing they’d need it. They’d just made a heartbreaking decision and had to come to grips with their daughter’s death. I, too, had to come to grips with the decisions I made… I needed to figure out exactly how to pull this off.

I walked into Carlisle’s office and found him sitting at his desk, looking at some medical text. He glanced up at me and smiled lightly.

“We’ve got about an hour to come up with a plan,” he said.

I nodded, already knowing that. We sat in silence for a moment, thinking.

“How long do you think she can stay down in her condition?” I asked. I knew her heart was weakened, infected. We were going to have to let it stop so Carlisle could declare her legally dead—there would be too many witnesses to pull a fast one with that. It’s not uncommon for people to be down for over 10 minutes and their hearts still able to be shocked into rhythm, but this wasn’t a normal circumstance. I was worried we’d have to let her go down and we’d be unable to revive her enough for the change.

“A few minutes maybe. The sooner we can shock her the better, of course. There’s an automatic defibrillator in the cabinet in her room, do you know you to use one of them?”

I glanced up at him and raised my eyebrows. Carlisle looked at me for a moment before shaking his head. Of course you do, you’ve been to medical school more times than me.

I smiled lightly. We sat quietly for a while, Carlisle looking through a medical journal, trying to find any cases of patients dying from septic shock and being revived. He glanced at his watch finally and sighed.

“It’s time,” he said quietly. I left and headed for Bella’s room while he gathered up his papers. When I walked in, Charlie raised his eyes to look at me. My expression told him that time was up.

Carlisle walked in and sighed. “Usually we call someone from hospice in to wean patients off and I can if that’s what you wish, but I’d much rather do it myself.”

Charlie and Renee agreed. Carlisle asked them if they wanted to call anyone else to come, informed them that as next-of-kin they could give the say so as to who could be present.

They hesitated for a moment and Renee started sobbing. “It’ll just be me,” Charlie said softly. “Edward, too, if he chooses to stay for it.”

I glanced over at Renee, her thoughts telling me that she can’t handle watching. I didn’t blame her one bit. She stood up and leaned down to kiss Bella’s cheek. “Goodbye baby girl,” she whispered through her tears. She smiled sadly at me as she approached to leave, reaching up to pat my cheek. I tried to smile back. “Thank you for loving her,” she said.

“My pleasure,” I said, my voice strained. She hesitated before leaving.

Carlisle handed Charlie the order to withdrawal the ventilator and the do not resuscitate order. He signed them quickly, handing them back. Carlisle paused, taking a deep breath.

“I’m going to withdrawal her nutrition and medication support first,” he said softly. He went to work, unhooking lines. “I’m going to be giving her some morphine also. She won’t feel anything but the morphine will help her breathe easier.”

Carlisle started the morphine drip and we waited for a while for it to start kicking in. After the respiratory therapist arrived, Carlisle started withdrawing the ventilator.

I closed my eyes and sighed as Bella took her first breath on her own. She gasped for air, her first breath shaky. Carlisle turned off the in-room monitors and disconnected her vitals. He leaned down and gently removed the tape from over her eyes.

“Stay strong sweetheart,” he said softly, barely a whisper.

Charlie got up from his seat and walked across the room, leaning against the wall. He was having trouble dealing with the situation. I hesitantly walked over to Bella, gently sitting down on the side of her bed. The respiratory therapist shot me a dirty look, as it wasn’t allowed, but I ignored him. He wouldn’t dare say anything to me out loud. Carlisle excused him, thanking him for his willingness to be present as he removed the ventilator.

Bella’s subsequent breaths were easier, softer, but the rhythm was irregular. She wasn’t going to last long, a few minutes at most. Her heart rate started increasing, but it was weak—so weak.

Carlisle excused himself, his thoughts telling me he was going to go check the monitors in the nurses station. I gazed down at Bella and saw she was starting to struggle, her face a grimace, her throat muscles constricted.

I reached my hand out and pressed it on Bella’s chest, directly over her heart. I felt the buzzing surge through me and took a shaky breath.

'Edward.'

Her voice was there again and soft, breathy.

'I love you.'

“I love you too,” I whispered, so softly Charlie couldn’t hear but I knew that she would—I could feel it. “I know this is hard but you have to fight for me. It’s going to be tempting to let go but you can’t. You need to stay on this side Bella. Your soul can’t leave--we need it here. I can’t lose you.”

Bella’s heart started faltering, losing steam. I kept my hand pressed against her flesh, reveling in her warmth one last time. Her heart thumped loudly a few times before stalling. It gave one last strong beat before stilling completely.

I closed my eyes, pure heartbreak and devastation coursing through me as the electricity from her skin started subsiding.

“Time of death 15:32,” Carlisle said from the doorway. I opened my eyes but refused to move my hand from her. I glanced up at the clock, keeping at eye on the time. “Do you want a few minutes with her?”

Charlie shook his head. “I’ve already said goodbye,” he said quietly, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat, trying to be strong. “Will you… I, uh, hate to ask this of you, you’ve done so much, but do you think you could, uh, take care of things for us? I don’t think I can handle much more.”

Carlisle nodded. “I’ll personally make sure everything is taken care of. She’ll be treated with the utmost respect she deserves.”

“Thank you. Both of you,” Charlie said. He hesitated, staring down at Bella. She looked peaceful now, looked as if she were sleeping.

“You’re welcome,” I whispered. Carlisle nodded in agreement. Charlie turned and left and Carlisle sighed.

It’s been 3 minutes already, you need to hurry. You can do it here, we’ll have a few hours or so before her systems start repairing enough for her to be able to cry out if she feels it, he thought, walking out and closing the door behind him. I jumped up, sprinting over and locking it. I threw open the cabinet, using too much force and accidentally pulled the door off. I grabbed the defibrillator and threw up Bella’s gown, having no time for modesty or decency. I had a feeling she’d forgive me for exposing her.

I placed the small paddles in place and pressed the button, the machine detecting no heartbeat instantly. A jolt of electricity shot through Bella’s body, arching her back slightly with the force. Her heart remained still. Another jolt shot through her after a moment and once again, nothing. I growled, instinctively, completely frustrated. It shocked her again but no response from her body.

“Please Bella, please stay with me. Choose me. I’ll never leave you, so please don’t leave me. I need you!” I said desperately.

Another jolt shot through her, stronger than the last. Bella’s body arched off the table and the machine beeped as it detected a heartbeat. I gasped and removed the paddles.

It was there--it was beating. It was weak and wouldn’t last long on it's own but it was there. I sat the machine off to the side and sat down beside her on the bed. “Thank you,” I said softly, leaning forward and pressing my lips against her forehead. The instant we connected the electricity sparked and I moaned loudly. She was really there.

“My Bella,” I murmured, kissing down her cheek and jaw line. “I love you.” I kissed down her neck and across her collarbones. I paused and looked up, gazing up into her angelic face.

“Forever.”

I leaned down and sunk my teeth into the flesh of her chest, directly over her heart. Bella’s back arched involuntarily and her heart started beating faster as my venom entered her system.

Ch 61 - I'd Do Anything

This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
Cuz I know
I won't forget you

“I'd Do Anything” - Simple Plan

Edward POV

The moment the helicopter disappeared from sight, I felt my knees give out and collapsed. Alice caught me before I hit the ground and glanced around, making sure no one was watching. She sat me down gently and squatted in front of me.

“I know it hurts,” she said, her voice breaking. She was trying to stay composed for my sake but Alice was in pain too. Alice loved Bella. “You have to be strong though, Edward. Bella’s going to need you.”

I nodded, knowing that already, but it didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t stop the pain or the heartbreak. I felt like my body was being ripping in half, like I was being torn to shreds.

She was quiet for a moment. “Do you remember that journal you gave Bella for Christmas?” she asked softly. I nodded. “Do you know where it is?” I nodded again, clearly remembering throwing it in a small box when I packed up our apartment. “It’s in a box in the living room.”

Alice stood up and held her hand out to me. I took it and she helped me up off of the ground. She practically dragged me across the parking lot and opened the passenger door to Carlisle’s Mercedes, pushing me inside. She climbed into the drivers seat and started the car up, pulling away from the hospital.

She drove through town and bypassed the road leading out towards Forks. I glanced at her with confusion and she smiled lightly. “We’re going to go to your house so you can change your clothes.”

I turned my head to look out the window again as the scenery flew by. Alice pulled up at the house and we climbed out, heading inside. I nearly lost it again, my knees buckling as I walked inside, but I gripped the wall to keep myself upright. Bella loved this house and was so excited to be moving into it. Everywhere I looked I could imagine her, fluttering around happily. We could’ve been happy here—we would’ve been.

The place faintly smelled of Rosalie. I glanced around, noticing the rest of the stuff from the apartment had been moved. I turned to look at Alice questioningly and she smiled lightly.

Rosalie wanted to help, she thought.

I nodded and turned to walk upstairs to the bedroom slowly, changing my clothes to appease Alice. I realized I’d been wearing the same thing for days but it really didn’t matter to me. Nothing did anymore. The love of my life, the reason for my existence was dying. I would be dead soon too—I couldn’t survive without her.

“Alice?” I said after a moment, knowing she’d hear me regardless of where she was in the house.

“Yes?”

“Can you head back to Forks awhile? I’d really like some time alone.”

Alice hesitated. I knew she was afraid to leave me alone, afraid I wasn’t stable and would do something stupid. “Okay,” she said softly after awhile.

I heard the front door open and click shut, and the car start up. The moment I heard it disappear down the street and knew I was out of earshot of Alice, I collapsed onto the floor and screamed as loud as I could.

“Why?!!” I yelled. “What did we do to deserve this??”

My body was convulsing, rocking with sobs and tears that would never fall. The pain was excruciating, my chest constricting. I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.

I don’t know how long I lay there, sobbing and screaming incoherently. I needed to get it all out, let go of the anger I was feeling over the situation before I faced Bella again. I was infuriated—we were being robbed, stripped of what we’d worked so hard for. We’d both suffered and somehow managed to come back together and find happiness again, and in one split second it was all stolen from us.

I finally composed myself and pulled myself off of the ground. I inhaled deeply, taking in Bella’s rich scent. It lingered in the house, clinging to all of our belongings. It was heavenly, intoxicating, a scent I never wanted to forget.

I headed out and sprinted across town to the Volvo, which I had left parked at the apartment. It took me awhile to get there and I jumped in the car quickly. Bella’s scent lingered here too, in the upholstery.

I drove to Forks quickly, lost in thought the entire time. I pulled up at the hospital and stepped inside, smelling the bitter werewolf scent. Jacob Black was here but I couldn’t muster up any hatred or anger about it. He wasn’t any threat to Bella in her condition.

I started up the stairs and zeroed my attention in on the sound of Bella’s heart. It was slowing but still pretty stable. Based on the proximity of Jacob’s thoughts I’d say he was at her bedside. He was thinking about everything he’d done for her, everything they’d been through. His thoughts drifted to the future and I froze in place.

I was stunned, the reason for him being here echoing through his mind. He was waiting for me, wanting to talk to me. He wanted to try one last time to save her, this time doing what he felt Bella would want. Saving her in the way he thought she’d want to be saved, and not how he wanted her to be saved.

It was brave of him, knowing his nature. I was surprised, to say the least. Jacob Black despised my kind--that was clear. And his hatred for me was evident also. But he was here to essentially grant his permission for me to break the treaty. As Ephraim Black’s grandson, he ultimately had the last word on it. We’d made the treaty with Ephraim, and as his heir he was technically Alpha. Sam may lead the pack, but Jacob truly made the laws. I always wondered why he never used his power before, figured maybe he never realized it. It was clear now he was well aware of his true position, he just didn’t want it. But he’d take it, he’d take the leadership role this time, if that’s what it took to save Bella one final time.

I walked to the door to her room slowly. Jacob acknowledged me, smelling me and tensed up, waiting for me to be hostile. But I wouldn’t be—couldn’t be. I respected him too much right now.

He looked at me and was stunned when he realized that I loved Bella. He’d always figured me to be purely after self-gratification, incapable of actually caring about anyone but myself. I told him he was right—that I did love her—and told him I knew what he wanted.

He asked that regardless of whether or not Bella actually died, he wanted us all to leave. He wanted the vampires gone. I had no problem agreeing to that, already having planned on never stepping foot in Forks again when this was over. The rest of the family also planned to leave anyway, unable to stay any longer without drawing suspicion. Plus, Bella was the only reason any of us had returned in the first place. If she’s not here, we have no reason to be any longer. He also didn’t want to know my decision, wanted to go on believing what he wanted to believe.

As he turned to leave I thanked him, for saving her when I couldn’t. He said that only I could save her now.

I always thought I knew what was right, what was best. But right now I was truly lost.

After Jacob left I sat down beside Bella, grabbing her hand. I felt the electricity and sighed, closing my eyes.

I was so torn. I was so desperate, not wanting to lose her from my life. She meant everything to me, she was my entire universe. I wanted to be selfish, so selfish. I wanted to sink my teeth into her flesh and allow my venom to course through her system. I wanted to change her, transform her so that she would eternally be mine.

I dropped Bella’s hand and brought my hands up into my hair, gripping it tightly. I let my elbows rest on my knees and gazed down at the floor

The problem was, I didn’t know what Bella wanted. Once upon a time she wanted me to change her, but the subject hadn’t really been approached since our reunion. She’d agreed to marry me, said many times that she wanted to spend forever with me, but the subject of actually turning her hadn’t been discussed. I gathered from thoughts on Christmas Even that Sue had informed her changing others was forbidden in the treaty and that Bella had told her she didn’t know if that’s what she wanted for the future. Had she just been saying that for Sue’s sake, or did she not really know?

And there was a bigger problem. Bella was dying and soon her heart would stop. Her soul would be released and she’d go to heaven. I was open to the idea of our kind having a soul now, knowing I wouldn’t be in so much pain if I didn’t. But just because I had a soul didn’t mean I wasn’t forsaken. Just because I had a soul didn’t mean I’d be welcomed into heaven. Even the evil had souls.

How could Bella ever forgive me for that? How could she ever love me, knowing my actions had taken away her only chance to get to heaven? If I allowed Bella to die, she’d someday meet up with her loved ones again. She’d see Charlie and Renee in heaven; she’d find eternal peace. How could I ever consider taking that from her, after she just got her parents back again? How could I ever prioritize myself over them?

“It wouldn’t be heaven without you, Edward.”

My head shot up quickly. The words were faint, barely audible, a breathy whisper. I glanced around, my eyes wide with confusion. It was unmistakable, clearly Bella’s voice. It was like hearing thoughts but it couldn’t be, it was impossible.

I reached out and grabbed her hand again, feeling the spark between us. I closed my eyes, sighing.

“I can feel you.”

The words came again, faintly. I smiled involuntarily at the sound of her voice.

“You’re my fate Edward.”

As she was mine. I remember when Bella talked about her hallucinations; she said she heard my voice in her mind when she was desperate for me. It was realistic, as if I were really there. Was that what this was? Was I so completely desperate not to lose her that I was fighting with everything I had to keep her memory alive?

“I’ll never stop fighting for you.”

I sighed, my body trembling lightly with sobs needing to escape. Oh my Bella, I’ll never stop fighting for you either, I thought. The problem was I didn’t know what to fight for, I didn’t know what she wanted. I wished she could just tell me; just let me know what I’m supposed to do.

“I really want you to save me. But if you can’t I understand. I just need you to know that I love you, and I understand that what’s meant to be will be.”

I gasped loudly as the words filtered to me. I wanted to save her so badly, make this right for her but didn’t know how. Was I saving her by letting her go, letting her rest peacefully and go to heaven like the angel she truly was destined to be? Or was changing her saving her?

“Edward?” Alice’s voice chimed in from behind me. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I whispered, choking on the word. “I don’t know what to do Alice. I don’t know how to help her. God, I love her so much!”

Alice walked forward, placing her hand on my shoulder. I know you love her, she thought. She loves you, too.

I nodded. “I wish I could just talk to her, wish she could tell me what she wanted me to do. I just heard her, I swear I did but maybe I’m just going crazy. Maybe I’m just imaging it.”

“You heard her?” she asked with shock.

“Yeah, it was just like hearing thoughts. But I’ve never been able to hear her thoughts before. What if I just imagined her voice, imagined her saying the words I longed to hear.”

Alice sighed. “Here,” she said softly. I glanced back and saw her holding out the leather bound journal I had bought Bella. She asked me earlier today where it was but I couldn’t be bothered at the time to even care why she wanted to know. She must’ve swiped it from the house.

“What’s this for?” I asked, confused.

“Read it,” she said, smiling. My brow furrowed in confusion.

“She hasn’t even written in it yet, has she?”

Alice nodded. “She has. And I really think you should read it. I think it’ll answer your questions.”
I sighed, taking the journal cautiously from her. She turned and exited the room, shutting the door behind her to give me the illusion of privacy.

I glanced down at the journal, running my hand along the cover. I opened it hesitantly, my eyes immediately falling upon Bella’s handwriting. It was adorable, messy but feminine. I ran my hand along the page, feeling the small groves from the pen pressing down.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to read. This was as close as I was going to get to a glimpse into her thoughts, the inner workings of Bella’s mind.

~*~

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. A year ago I believed my life was over, that too much had happened for me to ever be able to regain any aspect of it again. I was walking and talking, doing what I needed to do to make it through the day, but essentially I was dead. I thought I died along with Lauren in the accident but that I simply wasn’t granted the same peace as her. The peace to move on from this life. I may have been numb, but never was I in peace.

Then Edward appeared. Edward made me feel again. He made me hope, and dream, and love. Everything I thought was gone forever suddenly resurfaced. I felt alive, felt like maybe my life hadn’t ended along with Lauren’s.

But I was wrong, because the simple truth was that the moment I crashed that truck into the tree my life did end. I could never go back, can never regain what it is I lost.

I have another life now—my old life came to an end and a new one began. It was like a Phoenix, dying in the flames and rising from its ashes.

There are so many memories from my old life that I could talk about. I remember that year I came to visit Charlie over the summer, I think I was 6 or so, and he took me out on the boat to fish. I caught my first fish that day and when it tugged on my line I was pulled overboard. I couldn’t swim—Charlie had to dive in and pull me out. I told him he was my hero. I remember that time Renee watched “Ghost Hunters” and decided we should give ghost hunting a try. She pulled me out of bed at midnight, the night before I had a big test, and dragged me to some cemetery across town. She had flashlights and a video camera, prepared to document the entire thing. She swore she saw a ghost that night. We stayed up until dawn and I fell asleep during my test, failing it. It was my first F but I wasn’t upset—it had been worth it. I love both of my parents deeply. Neither of them are perfect, but they were perfect for me. I had my fair share of pain in my old life also. Edward walking away from me, leaving me alone in the woods comes to mind. It culminated in pain also—the pain from the knowledge that I took someone else’s life.

But all of that ended. Both of my parents made appearances in my new life and I’m thankful for the closure. But I’m not the daughter they raised anymore and I can’t pretend to be either. I’ve come to realize that nothing will ever bring Lauren back and that accidents happen. I’m sorry for the suffering I caused and the best way to honor her memory is by living life. And as for Edward—well, what happened back then doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive himself but I forgive him. We all make mistakes, after all. It doesn’t matter that he walked away, what truly matters is that he returned.

I’m ready to finally let go of my old life. I’m ready to put the girl that I was to rest.

Edward has become my sanctuary, my peace, my shelter in the storm. Some people might think that’s unhealthy, that I’m being codependent, but I’ve come to realize that him and I are simply two halves to a whole. If separated, we can’t function. We fit perfectly, destined to be together forever. We’re the true definition of soul mates. And Edward has a beautiful soul. I should know, because I feel it every day. Part of him lives in me, as part of me lives inside of him. That’s why there’s such a spark when we touch, why the electricity flies when we’re connected. We’re both finally whole again—we’re both finally home.

I can’t predict what the future holds. I’m not exactly psychic like Alice. I do know, however, that it involves Edward. Because without him there is no future, without him I have no life. Edward is my new life, the only life that matters now. I can endure anything as long as he’s by my side. I don’t know when or if he’ll ever change me, but I am positive that years won’t be enough with him. I need centuries, millenniums. I have faith that it’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.

If Edward does change me, there’s only one memory from my human life that I couldn’t bare to lose. That memory is when Edward proposed to me. That was the moment when he showed me he wanted me forever, when I knew for sure he needed eternity with me also. Everything else I can survive without, but I don’t want to forget how it felt the first time I knew without a doubt that he was truly mine to keep.

If we asked Alice, I’m sure she’d have a vision for us that would answer all of our questions about the future. I’m sure she’s known all along and is simply waiting for us to get ourselves together and see the light. I don’t think we give her enough credit for her patience.

~*~

I closed the journal, intense emotions surging through me. I glanced up at Bella and sighed.

She’s right you know. I have known all along, Alice’s thoughts said from nearby. You’ve always known, too.

Alice immediately brought forth the vision and I gasped, realization immediately dawning. How could I have so easily forgotten? It was the unwavering vision, the one that had been plaguing Alice since the very day Bella walked into the biology classroom. The strongest vision she ever had.

An immortal Bella hugging Alice in the middle of a field. The vision was still there, still unwavering. Still Fate.

Ch 60 - Good Riddance

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

“Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” – Green Day

Jacob POV

I walked up the steps slowly, taking time to prepare myself. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to do this—there seriously had to be something very wrong with me.

There are moments in life that you never forget. Some of them are good—like the time when I got that massive train set from my parents for Christmas. It was the last Christmas before my mom died and I remember her fumbling with the track pieces trying to help me put it together while Dad sat back and laughed at our ridiculous attempt because Mom refused his help. That was just like Mom though, completely stubborn and determined. Some aren’t so good—like the moment when the police officer came knocking on our door and told Dad that there had been an accident, that Mom hadn’t made it. I’ll never forget the look on his face, the horror in his expression. I was still so young that I didn’t quite understand what the cop was telling us, but Dad’s response was enough to frighten me.

A few of my unforgettable moments star Isabella Swan. I’ll never forget that night when I walked onto First Beach and saw all those Forks douche bags. My eyes fell upon Bella and I swear it was love at first sight. I’d seen her before, when we were little kids, but it wasn’t the same. Seeing her on that beach was like getting a glimpse into heaven, seeing an angel. God, I sound like such a damn girl but it’s true. I always knew she was special.

Man, I had such a thing for her but she was obsessed with perfect Edward-fucking-Cullen. After that dickhead bailed on her, she lost it. It was hell, watching Bella fall apart right in front of my eyes. She was too good for that, too good for him. I did everything I could to help her, tried my best to make her smile and laugh and forget.

She was a walking zombie. She’d look right at you but she never really saw you. I made her see me though, I wouldn’t let her drift farther away. If I had any damn thing to do with it, Bella Swan was going to get over that jerk and be happy again. And I thought I was winning. She started hanging out with me more, smiled and laughed. Hell I even had myself fooled into thinking I had a chance. I had no idea that she’d been using me, that she did those things with me as some sort of backward way to remember him.

After I phased that first time and realized that those crazy stories my Dad always rattled on about were true, everything shifted. I was pissed—Man, was I pissed. I was mad at the world, mad at Bella. She knew he was a fucking leech, knew he was dangerous and vile and she still loved him. I couldn’t understand it; it just didn’t make any sense. I yelled at her, railed on her about that bloodsucker and her sheer stupidity. It was like he had a spell on her, some voodoo magic or some shit. I wanted to make her see the light, make her see how crazy she’d been by actually dating that monster, but it backfired.

She stopped smiling again. She stopped laughing. She stopped speaking to me. I tried a few times after that to get her to open up to me, to try to get her through it, to make her see that she was being ridiculous. But she’d closed off and shut down. Even after she realized what I was and why I’d become that way she didn’t respond to me. I’d gotten so damn close.

See, I have this problem. I have this deep desire to save the girl. I mean, I realize now that I really don’t love her romantically but the day I saw her on First Beach something sparked inside of me. I felt protective over her. I wasn’t sure what I was trying to save her from the most, the bloodsucker or herself. But I definitely wanted to save her.

Bella Swan is a lot like my mother. They don’t look alike at all, of course, but there’s something inside of her that faintly reminds me of Mom. I think Dad saw it too… Dad hated bloodsuckers just as much as me but something about Bella made his perception shift a bit. Bella had Mom’s stubbornness, her determination. She has the same dedication, the same loving nature. And Mom was apparently clumsy as shit too.

It was too late to get Mom back, but it hadn’t been too late to save Bella.

And saving her was like a full time job. I remembered her mentioning once how Cullen was always rescuing her. It baffled me at the time, as he was the one I thought she needed rescued from. After everything though, I can understand it now. She was a magnet for all sorts of trouble. Cullen wasn’t even the half of it.

Then she started on the drugs. We’d had our falling out before then and I hadn’t seen much of her, so I had no idea what she’d gotten into. I figured she was off in her zombie mode, doing the same bullshit she had been doing. But then the redhead came into town and we couldn’t figure out what she was playing at. Sam figured since Bella was a leech-lover and all that maybe she’d have some clue and sent me to Charlie’s house to talk to her. Another moment in life I’ll never forget is what I found when I got to Bella’s place.

She was strung out. I didn’t have much experience with drug addicts but I watched a bit of TV. One of Dad’s guilty pleasures is that crazy show Intervention on A&E, and I’ll tell you—that’s exactly what the hell Bella needed. Some intervention.

I don’t know if she was high or withdrawing or what but she was so far gone I doubted she even realized I was there. She couldn’t even hold a conversation with me, kept muttering under her breath about that bloodsucker of hers. She’d lost it and I was pissed. Pissed at her for being so stupid, pissed at Charlie for doing nothing about it. He was a cop, how come he couldn’t tell his own daughter was a drug addict?!

I planned to tell him, too. Someone needed to stop her. I walked in the door from running patrol on the border the next evening, intending to call Charlie’s house, and found Dad on the phone. His expression was grave and startled me. It reminded me faintly of the look he’d had when the cop told him mom died. He hung up and turned to me, frantically telling me that Bella Swan was going to die in about 15 minutes.

I was confused, but of course that natural instinct inside of me to save that damn girl kicked in. He told me she was going to crash her truck on the highway outside of Forks. I had no idea how the hell he knew that at the time but I had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with the Cullen’s. It wasn’t until later that I learned those leeches had creepy mind reading and psychic abilities.

I phased and ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I heard the crunch of metal and the sickening screams when I was about a mile out. Lauren was already dead when I got there. Bella was unconscious, the flames from the fire burning the flesh on her back. I phased back into human form and yanked her from the truck, probably too hard, and threw her on the ground a few yards away. I jumped on top of her, trying to smother the flames and ended up burning myself. That hurt like hell but it was worth it, because I had saved her. That was also a moment I’ll never forget.

And I was so damn happy that she was getting treatment. I failed in my attempts to get her to get over that bloodsucker and hoped that after everything that had happened she’d finally see the light. The Cullen’s moved back into town, much to our dismay, but Edward wasn’t around. I didn’t know where he was--part of me hoped he was off in one of the pits of hell somewhere burning—but needless to say I was glad he was gone.

But of course shit isn’t always that easy. The very first time I see Bella again she reeks, smells exactly like that bloodsucker. After everything that happened, after every damn thing I did to save her, she runs right back to him. I was infuriated, and it didn’t help matters that he had the nerve to show up. Man, I wanted to rip him to pieces. I’d never hated someone so much in my life.

Then the army of leeches came. I was stoked. I took every ounce of hatred I had for Cullen and projected it onto the others. I was forbidden to lay a hand or a paw on him but I’d sure as shit take it out on his kind. I stood there savagely ripping one of those disgusting creatures apart when Seth called out that there were bloodsuckers at my house.

I was worried about my dad, of course, but that wasn’t what set me off. That damn instinct to save Bella kicked in again. Her bloodsucker seemed to have the same response and bolted in that direction, blatantly violating the treaty and coming onto my property. It took massive balls, I had to give him credit for that. But when we arrived he stopped suddenly, leaving the redhead to me. I saved Bella again, of course, and while I was tearing that bitch apart Cullen swooped in and scooped Bella up and played superhero.

I realized later he’d only stopped because he smelled Bella’s blood. Fucking gag me. Disgusting freak.

I was stoked though, knowing since he violated the treaty that all bets were off and I could finally fight him. But Sam shut that down, forbidding me from it. Sam even allowed him to take Bella away with him, I couldn’t believe it. It was like the entire tribe was turning into leech-lovers.

If life didn’t suck enough, I end up sitting across from her on Thanksgiving, with her smelling like him, only to find out that they’re living together. All I could think about was the possibility of those two sharing a bed together. You couldn’t get any more reckless and dangerous and disgusting than that. He wasn’t even human!! And don’t even get me started on Christmas, when she actually brings the leech along and everyone is all buddy-buddy with him, including my own father who is the one who told me countless times over the years how evil they were. Fraternized with the enemy—give me a fucking break.

So when I was out running the border the night of Christmas Eve and I caught a whiff of Cullen’s scent, I wanted to teach him a lesson. He was always so fucking smug, thinking he was untouchable. He had that cocky attitude when I found him, acting as if he were better than me. A leech, better than me?! I didn’t think so. And when he said I was all bark and no bite, well, that was my breaking point. No fucking leech was going to treat me like I was just some puppy.

So I went after him and I knew it was wrong jumping first but it had been a long time coming. The leech ended up breaking my arm, which hurt like hell by the way. I think it hurt worse healing than it did when he snapped it. But I got a few good shots in… not enough though. If Sam hadn’t showed up when he did, I could’ve really gotten him good. And I wanted to, man I wanted to. I never thought I’d get over that feeling of wanting to tear him apart.

But there are also moments in life, moments where things happen that rock you so hard to the core that your entire perspective shifts. My phasing had been one of those things, I’d never see the world the same again after changing into a wolf. Another moment that seemed to shift my universe happened this morning, when Charlie called the house to inform us that he was having Bella transferred to Forks Hospital, so she could be closer to home when she died.

Died. Dr. Cullen was swearing he’d do everything he could to keep her alive, but the other doctors were already talking about pulling the plug. I knew she was in the hospital, knew she’d been shot, but I guess I simply thought she’d be fine. I busted my ass time and time again to save her from all this supernatural bullshit, but apparently all it takes to take down Bella Swan is one lone human jackass with a pistol.

But, of course, I find myself needing to save her again. I can’t actually do it this time but I can’t just sit back and let her die. I had to do something, say something.

My universe shifted when Charlie said Bella was going to die. My overwhelming need to constantly rescue her overpowered all the hatred I felt for Cullen. I realized then exactly what I had to do. I had to do it for Bella.

I made it to the ICU floor of Forks hospital and stepped out of the stairwell. I made my way down the hallway slowly, pausing in front of the open door at the end.

It was Bella’s room, but the frail human laying in that bed looked nothing like the beautiful girl I’d felt that pull to on First Beach. I had to wonder if maybe the Bella I’d fallen for that day really ever existed… maybe I just wanted her to, projected my fantasies onto her. Maybe I missed my mom so much that I desperately needed someone to fill the void her death left.

I walked forward slowly, grabbing the chair and pushing it to her bedside. The room smelled of vampire but it was the doctor’s scent, no sign of Edward. Bella had only just arrived though, so he may still be on his way from Seattle.

I reached out and grabbed her hand. It was cold—too cold. I sighed.

“Bells, how do you get yourself into this shit?” I asked softly. “I don’t even know if you can hear me but I just wanted to say goodbye. Ya know, I really tried. I did everything I could think of to make you happy but I failed miserably. I’ve got one last idea, and it’s not easy for me. I hope I’m not making a mistake. But it’s my final act and then I’m retiring this superhero shit, hanging up my cape. I’m done with it.”

I sat quietly, holding her hand, waiting on him. I knew he’d come; he wouldn’t stay far from her. And I didn’t have to wait long.

He made no noise, but none of them ever really do. His scent was the only thing that indicated his presence and I wrinkled my nose with disgust immediately. His close proximity made my nose burn.

“Cullen,” I said flatly. I didn’t turn to look at him but tensed up, unsure of how he was going to react to me being here. He was quiet for a moment, the overpowering scent telling me he was still behind me.

“Jacob,” he said softly. I was caught off guard… I expected him to growl, yell, but he didn’t. His voice was low, barely audible, and laced with sadness. I swung my head around to look at him and he was looking past me, staring straight at Bella. He looked horrified.

I realized then that this, too, was a moment I’d never forget. Edward's face mirrored my Dad’s when Dad found out the love of his life was dead. He felt the same devastation my Dad had felt. It never really dawned on me before but he truly loved her. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around the fact that bloodsuckers, whom didn’t even have hearts that beat, could actually be capable of pure love. But it was clear now that they were. It was clear as day that he loved Bella just as much as Bella loved him. That he needed her just as much as she needed him. That without her he was going to fall to pieces, just as Bella had fallen to pieces without him.

And here I was, not only trying to save Bella again, but inadvertedly saving my enemy at the same time. Yeah, something was definitely wrong with me.

He walked closer after a moment and stopped right beside me. He reached his hand up and pressed it against Bella’s forehead while he gazed down into her face.

“You’re right, I do love her,” he said after a moment. “And I know why you’re here.”

I nodded. I nearly forgot he could read minds but of course he’d pick it from my head before I even gathered up the guts to verbalize it.

“I just ask have to ask one thing,” I said.

“And what’s that?”

“Leave. After all of this is done with, all of you leave. And I don’t want to know what you decide, whether or not you do it.”

“Won’t it be hard, not knowing? Won’t you wonder?”

“No.” I paused, sighing. “My Bella has been dead for awhile—if she even ever existed at all.”

He was quiet but nodded after a moment. “Okay.”

I stood there for a moment, taking her in one last time. “Goodbye, Bells,” I said softly after a moment. I turned and headed for the door when Edward stopped me.

“Jacob,” he said. I turned and cocked an eyebrow at him. “Thank you for always saving her when I couldn’t.”

I sighed. “Yeah,” I mumbled. “I can’t save her now, that's on you."

“I used to always do what I thought was right for her, what was best for her. Turned out I usually had it wrong. I only hope I get it right this time.” He turned his head to look at Bella, putting his back to me. I knew then that the conversation was over. I turned and walked out, passing both Alice and Dr. Cullen on my way. I didn’t look at them or acknowledge them.

I walked out of the hospital and inhaled deeply, reveling in the fact that I couldn’t smell vampire anymore. I hoped to never smell it again, hoped to never encounter another one as long as I lived.