Ch 27 - When You're Gone

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

“When You’re Gone” – Avril Lavigne

It’s been a week. An entire week of freedom. Edward has stayed close by the entire time, only letting me out of his line of sight when I was at the library. He seemed to think the library was relatively safe and occasionally I could sense him around, but often he’d leave me alone. I don’t know what he did while I was at work, but I knew what he didn’t do—Hunt. Edward’s eyes have consistently grown darker over the week. I don’t know when the last time he hunted was, but I could tell it has been awhile.

It’s been nice having him around--I can’t deny that. It was a bit hard adjusting at first to his constant presence, as it was quite surreal. It made me think of my low point, of when I was constantly high and having delusions. The Edward of my imagination acted so much like the real Edward that it was difficult to separate the two. But I managed and we started growing comfortable around each other again.

He was still being evasive, refusing to give me straight answers to any of my questions about whatever danger I was apparently in. He continually told me to not worry about it, but it was hard because Edward was obviously worried.

I was supposed to go to therapy today, my first session since my commitment. I wasn’t going to go back to that place but Edward was quite persistent. He thought it would be good for me and I didn’t want to believe him, but the things Dr. Nelson had said the last time I saw him kept ringing through my head. The idea of being healed to the point where Edward and I could have a healthy lasting relationship was highly tempting. We weren’t there yet, not even close. I still expected him to flee, unable to wrap my mind around the idea that he was really here. Throughout the week he continually kept telling me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he’d never leave me again as long as I wanted him there—and even if I didn’t want him, he didn’t think he’d be able to go very far. My heart ate it up, absorbing every word and basking in the glow of his love… but my head was messing it up.

My head was telling me it was wrong, that he left me once and he’ll do it again. That there’s nothing special about me to keep him interested. I have a crappy apartment and an average job. I now have a criminal record and a history of mental illness. I’m plain, boring. There’s nothing to hold him here. Dr. Nelson said those thoughts stem from abandonment issues and I had to wonder if maybe he were right—which is why I finally agreed with Edward on continuing therapy.

There was also a very small part of me that wishes he would leave again. I don’t know if it also stems from the abandonment, as Dr. Nelson said it would cause me to want to walk away before he could walk away from me, but it’s there. I pushed it back and try to ignore it but it hasn’t gone away.

It’s the small part of me, the little voice in the back of my head, that’s constantly trying to remind me that Edward is dangerous. The part of me that keeps thinking about how Edward looked that night in Forks, snarling and staring down Jacob. I wondered if it were my natural defense mechanisms, my instinct for survival and self-preservation finally working after all this time. Because the image was burned in my brain, finding it’s way into my subconscious. I even dreamed of it, the memory mingling with the nightmare of the accident. I worried about what I said at night while I slept, if Edward had any idea.

I wanted to trust Edward and in a way I did. I trusted him with my life. But I was afraid of what that meant, afraid of the future. Because when it came down to it, I was afraid of what would happen to me if he ever left again.

Frankly, below the surface I was a bumbling mess and couldn’t even figure out which way was up anymore. Edward’s reappearance in my life had turned my insides into chaos, my heart and mind in a battle for control of the situation. Trust or don’t trust? Stay or go? Love or loathe?

And my body—my body had to go and start putting its opinion in. Edward and I had spent countless nights together in Forks but it was different here. We were always together and alone, no risk of being caught. Here we could just be—and we were. I’d seen more of Edward lately than ever before, and I know Edward has seen a lot more of me. And Edward still dazzled me beyond belief. He was absolutely mesmerizing, and I occasionally found myself unable to take my eyes off of him. His body was exquisite—tall and lean but firm. There was no denying that I wanted him, that I desired him. I was still a virgin and completely inexperienced in the sexual department but Edward did something to me. He ignited something inside of me and set my body on fire, and often I wanted nothing but to pounce on him. He sometimes looked at me as if he could tell, like he knew my desires and my body’s reaction to him. I’d blush at those moments and he’d smirk, which likely confirmed it for him. But I couldn’t help it.

But I never acted on it, and Edward made no moves to take whatever it is we had to another level. I wasn’t even sure he’d ever want to, if he’d ever see me as an equal partner in his life again.

And that’s why I was on my way to therapy—because obviously I still needed it.

Edward hesitantly agreed to stay at the apartment while I went to therapy but I doubted he’d actually truly stay there. I had a feeling he’d listened to some of my previous sessions and really had no doubt that he’d show up to listen to this one. He couldn’t read my mind and what I said in therapy was the closest he’d get to my inner most thoughts and fears. There’s no way he’d pass that up.

I walked into the hospital and Dr. Nelson met me at the front. He smiled and thanked me for coming and led me back to his office. I sat down in the chair while he sat down and started the timer.

“So how have you been Isabella?”

I smiled and nodded. “I’m good. Better, I guess.”

He smiled. “I’m glad. Have you seen Edward since leaving here last week?”

I hesitated, unsure of whether or not to tell him. I didn’t know what his response was going to be, how he was going to react to Edwards constant presence in my obviously fragile life.

“Uh yeah, actually. I’ve seen a lot of him.”

He smiled and nodded. “How much is a lot?”

I sighed. “All day every day?”

His smile fell slightly and he picked up his pen to jot something down on his legal pad. I groaned, which didn’t go unnoticed by him.

“Is he staying with you?”

“Something like that. He doesn’t want me to be alone. Is that, uh, a problem?” I bit my bottom lip nervously.

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t call it a problem. I didn’t quite expect it, but it isn’t entirely a bad thing. Could be beneficial as long as he can be understanding and patient with you.”

I nodded. Edward was indeed a patient person—he had more patience than anyone I’d ever met.

Dr. Nelson started asking questions, most of them focusing on me. He wanted to know what my accomplishments were, even trivial ones. He wanted to hear about me learning to swim and riding a bike or skating. He wanted to know about big projects I aced in school, the good things I’d done for other people. After that, he wanted me to tell him what I liked about myself. He wanted me to name at least 10 positive qualities. It took nearly the entire session but I managed to do it.

When his timer went off, he gave me homework. Whenever someone complimented me, regardless of what the compliment was, I was to simply say ‘thank you’. I rolled my eyes but agreed. I’d give it a try.

I walked home slowly. It was an average cloudy day but thankfully not raining. I grabbed my mail when I reached my building and quickly made my way up the steps to my apartment.

Edward was inside, sitting on the couch. He was watching news again, which was a regular occurrence with him. I kicked my shoes off and plopped down on the couch beside him. He tensed, his body going rigid, but he loosened up after a moment and turned to smile at me.

“Have a good time in therapy?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow at me. I smiled and nodded.

“Yep,” I said simply. He eyed me for a moment, smiling.

“I can’t believe you don’t know how to skate,” he said after a moment, chuckling. I narrowed my eyes at him and without thinking drew my hand back to punch his arm for laughing at me. It barely registered with him when my fist connected but it sent shooting pain down my forearm.

“Dammit!” I yelled, gripping my hand. Edward’s eyes went wide and he reached over quickly, grabbing my arm.

“Are you okay Bella? What were you thinking?” He ran his cool hand over my knuckles, which were already swelling slightly. “It’s going to bruise but I don’t think you damaged anything.”

After a moment he chuckled, shaking his head. “I have to say I’m proud, that took some guts. You put some force behind it.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes, pulling my hand away. “Whatever,” I muttered.

Edward chuckled again. “Aren’t you supposed to thank me for complimenting you?”

I narrowed my eyes at him again. “I thought you were going to stay at the apartment when I went to therapy.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I tried but I missed you, wanted to hear your voice.”

I rolled my eyes at his lame excuse but otherwise didn’t respond. He reached back over and grabbed my hand again, running his cool fingers over it. He pulled my hand up and gently placed his lips against my knuckles, kissing them.

A shiver went down my spine and Edward smirked. He put my hand down but didn’t let go of it, instead intertwining our fingers nonchalantly. He turned back to the TV, focusing back on the news.

I glanced down at our hands entangled together between us and couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face.

“Thank you,” I said after a moment. Edward glanced over at me and smiled, nodding once in acknowledgment.

The rest of the evening went by quickly. I was severely lacking on food in the house and a trip to the grocery store was necessary so I had a pizza delivered for dinner. I offered Edward a slice, remembering how he’d taken a bite of pizza that day in the cafeteria back at Forks High. He shuddered at the memory.

I yawned after awhile and Edward shut off the TV, standing up and motioning for me to go to the bedroom. I laughed but didn’t argue. I grabbed my pajamas and went into the bathroom while Edward went straight to the bedroom. After I finished changing, I joined him in the bedroom. He was already lying on his normal spot in the bed waiting on me.

I slipped into bed beside him, my back against his chest. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly. He buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply as he usually did. He tensed up quickly, his grip on me tightening immensely and hurting me. I winced and tried to pull away but he stopped me immediately.

“Don’t move,” he said quickly, his voice firm. I froze, trying to ignore the pain from his hands digging into me. He loosened his hold after a moment, his body relaxing a slight bit.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m okay.”

I turned my body slowly to face him and nearly gasped. His eyes were pitch black, as dark as they had been that first day in biology class. I knew very well what that meant and why he had just reacted as he did.

I went to speak, to tell him to go hunt, but he placed his hand over my mouth quickly to stop me. He wasn’t breathing and I could tell he was fighting hard for control.

Somewhere in the apartment his phone was ringing, neither of us reacting to it. We were both frozen, me from fear and him for restraint. Whoever was calling hung up and immediately dialed again. Upon their third time calling it struck me—Alice. Alice was likely seeing this and was trying to warn him. She was trying to change the future, whatever future it is she saw a glimpse of.

The small part of my brain, the part that constantly reminded me that Edward was dangerous by nature, started rearing its ugly head. Flashes of how he looked and acted in Forks went through my mind, how his humanity can disappear quickly as the monster in him takes over. That made me think of Jasper and my birthday, how he had lost control so quickly and the only reason I survived was because Edward had been on guard.

Edward, the one that laid a mere few inches from me fighting for control, fighting against his natural instinct to kill.

My heart started racing and my eyes widened as Edward’s body started trembling. He heard it, heard the blood thumping through my system wildly, and he was fighting against it even harder. I willed my heart to slow down, but the gravity of the situation was only causing it to act up even more.

Edward’s eyes kept darting to the side, it appeared as if he were contemplating bolting. I don’t know why he hadn’t yet, he used to bolt quickly when I tested his limits. I thought maybe he was too far gone this time, in too deep to simply leave. I briefly considered fleeing myself… he was holding his breath, so maybe if I quickly removed myself from the room he’d be okay.

Everything happened quickly then, but it seemed as if it were in slow motion. My phone started ringing on the table behind me, startling me. I jumped slightly when I heard it go off. I realized immediately my mistake and closed my eyes, bracing myself for the consequences. I heard a snarl, so close and loud that it echoed through my ears and caused them to ring. I winced and felt something cold against my neck. I felt the bed shift and tensed up, waiting for him to take me. I hoped he’d make it as quick as possible, another part of me hoping that he’d realize what he was doing and stop before it was too late. If he had to bite, if he couldn’t contain himself, I silently prayed he’d realize what he was doing before I was completely drained. Immortality I could deal with, death I wasn’t ready for.

But the pain didn’t come. I stayed frozen for a moment, holding my breath, but there was nothing but silence. I peeked an eye open, immediately seeing the bed vacant. I opened both eyes and glanced around quickly. The room was completely still.

He was gone.