Ch 48 - Bless The Broken Road

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

“Bless The Broken Road” – Rascal Flatts

I hauled myself out of bed, groaning. It was only a few minutes after midnight but I couldn’t sleep. I’d spent the past two hours tossing and turning, unable to shut my mind off.

After I showed Edward my bruises, he grew distant. He didn’t comment much on them besides apologizing profusely, but his actions reflected his devastation. He kept a few feet between us at all times, refraining from physical contact. When bedtime rolled around, there was no touching or feeling. I lay on his chest as usual, but he didn’t wrap his arms around me, didn’t hold me tightly as I drifted off to sleep. And when I woke up an hour later, he was gone. Where his body had been laid a note, saying he’d gone hunting.

I was smarter than that. I knew Edward hadn’t bolted out of here to hunt. He’d already hunted more this past week than ever before, given our intimacy and my mothers visit. His eyes couldn’t get any lighter.

No, Edward bolted out of here because that was still his nature. He’d gotten better, he was respecting my opinion, but that didn’t stop his irrational over thinking and self-loathing. Edward bolted out of here to go wallow in self-pity, to beat himself up and punish himself for hurting me. I was beginning to realize that some things would simply never change. Edward was frozen, unchanging, his personality traits completely unwavering. And we could talk things out until I was blue in the face and he’d understand and respect me more, but when push came to shove he’d still be himself. He’d still overreact and internalize everything, blame himself, because that was simply just Edward.

He wasn’t perfect and never would be, just like I wasn’t perfect and never would be. My love for Edward had clouded me—I always figured him as flawless and infallible, when he was neither. He was more like me than I ever would’ve believed possible.

I moseyed out into the kitchen, exhausted but unable to stop worrying about Edward. I turned on a light and started a pot of coffee, knowing I wouldn’t be getting much sleep so I’d need the caffeine to get through tomorrow. When the coffee finished brewing, I poured a cup and inhaled deeply, reveling in the thick rich aroma.

I sat down at the table with my coffee and grabbed the stack of papers Edward had given me a few days before. It was after midnight, making it officially September 15th, meaning my application for UW was due in a matter of hours.

I hadn’t even looked at the application since the afternoon I sat at the table and stressed over the essay—I’ve made no attempts to write it. Edward hadn’t mentioned it either, but his completed application was sealed up and sitting near my blank papers, a constant reminder that I was slacking off. Edward was completely serious about going to college but wasn’t going to do it alone. He was waiting for me and once again I was avoiding things.

I was half tempted to open his envelope just to sneak a peek at his essay, if he even wrote one. But I knew that was wrong of me and he’d be able to tell if I did it.

I realized I was just completely over thinking things—it shouldn’t be this difficult. I took a sip of my coffee and grabbed a pen and just started writing, pouring random thoughts out onto paper. I wrote furiously, switching ideas mid sentence, brainstorming. After I had a few papers covered, I read back through it, trying to sort things out. I scratched things out and expanded on ideas, adding sentences. After awhile I read through it, somewhat happy with the path it was taking, and grabbed another piece of paper. I rewrote it out, organizing sentences so it made sense. When I was satisfied it was as good as it was going to get, I grabbed the blank paper with the sentence written across the top and carefully copied my essay onto it. I knew I should’ve typed it up and made it all pretty, but I didn’t have the time or energy for that because of my severe procrastination. They’d have to deal with it being handwritten.

My exhaustion was creeping up, despite the massive amount of coffee I just downed. I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost 3am. I pushed away from the table, leaving everything laying there, and walked over to the couch, laying down on it. My eyes drifted closed quickly and I feel into a deep sleep.

I was dreaming. Everything was hazy again and I could hear Lauren’s giggles in the background. I was looking around frantically, trying to make it through the haze and see what was going on. I started smelling smoke and Lauren’s giggles turned to screams. I was about to start panicking when suddenly everything shifted and the fog started lifting. I could make out the flickers of orange from the fire. I glanced around quickly, trying to locate Lauren who was still screaming, and the haze dissipated. I was baffled, utterly confused, as the scene in front of me unfolded. I was in the middle of the woods and there was a fire in front of me--the flames and smoke rising into the sky. There were people around me, a few dozen of them. Their faces started coming into focus and I recognized them immediately. I saw Ben Cheney and Eric Yorkie talking animatedly about something. Jessica Stanley was there, flirting with a guy I whose name I couldn’t recall off the top of my head but recognized from my gym class. Angela Weber was nearby, talking to a girl named Hannah. Mike Newton was tossing a football into the air.

They were all my classmates, every face recognizable as being in my classes at Forks High School. I watched in amazement, complete shock as they all talked and laughed and played around, running around the fire completely carefree. And the fire—it was a bonfire. Contained, intentional. People were roasting marshmallows in it.

I heard Lauren scream behind me and swung around quickly, hysterically. My eyes widened in surprise as Tyler Crowley ran toward me, clutching a shrieking Lauren Mallory’s legs. She was thrown over his shoulder, tears streaming down her face and screaming. But she wasn’t hurt, or scared or in pain. She was alive, smiling and laughing. She had on a blue graduation cap with a yellow tassel hanging from it. And Tyler—Tyler was really there.

Tyler put Lauren down in front of me and she giggled. “Bella,” Tyler said in greeting, smiling. I cautiously smiled back, completely confused. Tyler leaned over and pecked Lauren on the cheek before taking off and running toward Mike Newton. I turned around to watch as Tyler knocked the ball out of his hands and Mike chased after him, laughing.

I turned back to Lauren and she had her eyebrow cocked at me, eyeing me suspiciously. “You can’t fight fate,” she said after a moment. “What’s meant to be will be.”

“What?” I said, furrowing my brow. She rolled her eyes, obviously annoyed with me.

“Are you deaf, Swan? I said you can’t fight fate. Shit happens and it sucks sometimes, but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason, we all get what’s coming to us eventually.”

Jessica Stanley waltzed up to us then. She whispered something to Lauren and the two of them giggled. Jessica smiled at me, but it came off as more like a sneer. She skipped away quickly and Lauren turned her attention back to me.

“We graduated today. In a few months I’ll be off to Washington State with Tyler. We’ll get married one day and have kids, live to be old fogies together.” She laughed lightly as he gaze fell upon Tyler. She looked back to me and narrowed her eyes slightly. “As for you, you’re going to Dartmouth. With Edward. I don’t know what the hell you did to gain his attention, why he chose you but he did,” she said while shaking her head.

I stared at her with confusion. She grew quiet, glancing around. “He’ll change you after college, you’ll spend eternity together,” she said softly after a moment.

“What?” I asked, caught of guard.

“Are you dense? I mean I always thought you were naïve but I didn’t take you for stupid, Swan. You heard me, he’s going to change you after you graduate from your stupid little Ivy League school and you’re going to spend eternity doing whatever the hell it is his kind does.”

Her face softened and she sighed. “Well, at least that’s how it would’ve happened had we all had our way, if we would’ve been able to do what we wanted. We’d be here right now, having just graduated from that shithole of a school, with the world at our fingertips. But like I said, we can’t fight fate. Call it karma or destiny or whatever the fuck you want. You can’t run from it. When it’s your time to go, you gotta go, regardless of what you have planned for your life. Because the fact of the matter is, your life doesn’t belong to you, regardless of what the grown ups spew when they try to be inspirational. We’re just pawns in the game of life. You can’t blame any of us for the things that happen, we’re just making do with the cards we got.”

Tyler called Laurens name and she sighed. “See you in another life, Swan,” she said. She bolted off in the direction of Tyler. I turned back to the fire, a million different emotions running through me. A gust of wind swept through, blowing the fire and smoke in my direction. Everything started going hazy again, my classmates blurring out.

Everything was dark again. I could hear a faint beeping in the background but it went away as quickly as it started. My shoulder being nudged startled me awake and I jolted upright, eyes wide.

I glanced around, noticing I was still in the living room, and my eyes fell upon Edward. He was frowning. The room was starting to lighten up, the sun rising outside.

“What time is it?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“6:30. Your alarm clock just went off.”

I nodded, rubbing my eyes, trying to wake up. I was still exhausted, having been up past 3am.

“I gotta get ready for work,” I grumbled, standing up and staggering to the bathroom, hoping a shower would wake me up. “Can you make me some coffee?” I yelled over my shoulder. I didn’t give him time to answer, closed the bathroom door behind me and turned on water immediately.

After I showered I got out and wrapped a towel around me. I went into the bedroom and threw some clothes on, not caring what I looked like. I walked back out to the living room and Edward held a thermos of coffee out to me.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked. I shook my head. “Why not?”

“Cuz I knew you weren’t hunting,” I mumbled, taking a long sip.

He sighed. “Sorry,” he muttered. I waved him off, not wanting to deal with it now. He narrowed his eyes slightly, running his hand through his hair. “I think we should talk about some things, Bella.”

I looked at him skeptically, his serious tone worrying me a bit. “Like what?” I asked cautiously.

He sighed. “Like the bruises, and why you didn’t tell me right away.”

I groaned loudly. “Do we really have to get into this Edward? Now? I’ve had a bad night, I’m not exactly in the mood,” I asked sharply, slightly annoyed. Edward shot me a look that bordered between disbelief and anger, catching me a bit off guard. His eyes darkened, his facial features sharpening. Edward rarely grew angry with me, so rare that when it happened it was a bit scary.

“Tell me, Bella. If not now, when? When are you going to be in the mood? Because in case you haven’t noticed, we never talk.”

I looked at him with confusion. “We do too talk,” I said.

He shook his head angrily. “No, Bella, we don’t. We skirt around all of the issues, one of us always backing off and dropping the subject before we actually have to talk about anything that’s even remotely unpleasant.”

“Like what?” I asked, feeling a bit hurt. I felt like he was accusing me of something, blaming me.

“Like just now, about the bruises, and the entire situation from your birthday. And do you realize you’ve never once spoken to me about anything that happened in Forks? You’ve never talked to me about the drugs, never talked to me about the accident or what you went through afterwards.” He was staring at me, his gaze intense.

“But you already know everything that happened,” I said, shaking my head with confusion. He learned it all while I was in treatment. He knew what drugs I did and why I did them, he saw my medical records, had intimate knowledge of the accident because of Alice. What else was there to know?

He sighed loudly. “I don’t know everything Bella. I know the facts, but there’s more to it than that. I can’t read your mind--you know that. You have to tell me things.”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked, frustrated. “I’m a fuck up. It’s all I did after you left. I made mistake after mistake, hurting anyone who crossed my path. I was completely numb, and when I wasn’t numb I was in pain. I got strung out because I wanted to feel good again, I wanted to be happy again and the only time I was ever happy is when you were there. Is that what you want to hear? Does it make you happy to know that I’m so fucking pathetic that I couldn’t function without you?” My eyes were welling up with tears.

“No,” he said softly. “I just want you to open up to me. I just want to know how you feel, I just want to know what you’re thinking and why you react the way you do. I don’t even understand why you’re so upset right now.”

I brushed away a tear that escaped, staring at Edward. He was frowning, no longer looking angry but instead he appeared sad, and was gazing down at the ground. I was quiet for a moment before finally sighing, resigned.

“I have to go to work,” I whispered, glancing up at the clock. I was already going to be late. Edward nodded.

“I’ll be here when you get home,” he said softly.

I started gathering up my stuff for work and my eyes fell upon the pile of papers still on the table. “Can you drop my application off for me? I mean I can do it myself but it would be easier if you did.”

Edward furrowed his brow. “You finished it?” I nodded.

“It’s all on the table. Make sure I didn’t forget anything and seal it up for me, if you don’t mind. There’s cash in the cookie jar in the kitchen for the fee.”

He smiled sadly at my mention of money and I rolled my eyes. I should’ve known better. He’d be paying for it out of his never-ending bank account, probably sending a thick envelope of $100 bills to bribe me in.

“I’m not going to try to bribe them, Bella,” Edward said, obviously figuring out what I was thinking. “I have confidence that you’ll get in on your own.”

I nodded. “Okay. Well I gotta go. Thanks.”

I turned to walk out and Edward stopped me. He smiled sadly, looking slightly nervous about something.

“Can I… read it?” he asked hesitantly, glancing at the papers on the table. I sighed.

“I don’t care, really. If you wanna read it, read it.”

He smiled. “Thanks,” he said softly. I nodded and turned to exit the apartment as Edward picked up my personal statement and started reading it.

I sighed, walking to work in relative peace with the essay I’d written playing out in my head. I remember every word of it, and knew it was the reason I dreamed of Lauren and Tyler, alive and happy. It probably wasn’t what they wanted to hear or read, but they wanted my personal statement and I couldn’t get any more personal than that.

A year and a half ago, tragedy struck. I was driving and got involved in a fatal single-vehicle car accident. I was lucky enough to live, but one of my classmates wasn’t as fortunate. My seventeen-year-old passenger died. She was innocent, an unfortunate victim to my recklessness. Two weeks after the accident, her boyfriend disappeared on the same stretch of highway his girlfriend had lost her life on. He was never found, had vanished into thin air. I had a lot of guilt stemming from both incidents, blamed myself for the loss of two of my classmates. They had their entire lives ahead of them and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. They never got to graduate, never got to attend college or get married or have children. That was taken from them and I blamed myself for that. The shame and guilt nearly destroyed me. Instead of two lives being lost, it was almost three. After all the hurt I caused, I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t deserve to live out my dreams when I’d ruined so many others. It took awhile, but thanks to the people around me I’ve grown to realize that I can’t shoulder the blame for everything. I’ll have to live the rest of my life knowing my mistakes devastated the lives of others, but the fact of the matter is I never intended to hurt anyone. Throwing my life away would be like rubbing salt in their wounds. I needed to live my life to the fullest, for myself and for those who aren’t given the same opportunity as me. Surviving the accident and enduring the aftermath opened up my eyes, made me cherish life as the gift it truly is. It tested me but made me stronger, stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I’m a survivor; I’ve fought to regain my life and fought to overcome the tragedies that nearly crippled me. I refuse to surrender. The best way to honor their memory is by pushing forward. I’m determined to succeed, determined to accomplish my goals. I’ve learned that I can overcome anything and regardless of what curveballs life throws me, I’m going to be able to make it through. A year and a half ago I found myself at a crossroad. I could either crumble under the pressure or rise up above it all. When it came time to either sink or swim, I swam. Enduring what I did taught me to keep pushing forward, taught me to never give up on my hopes and dreams. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes and that’s okay as long as we learn from them. By learning from our mistakes we grow and mature, and by doing so we truly succeed. I’ve learned from my mistakes, they’ve strengthened me. I know that no matter what happens, I’ll rise above it because I’m a survivor.

Exactly 500 words. I meant them as I wrote them, but after Edward confronted me about not talking to him I was second guessing myself. Was I really okay, or was I just pretending to be? I was snapping at Edward over things, throwing tantrums. He had no idea what my problem was and I wasn’t telling him. He’s completely out of his element, unable to hear my thoughts, and I wasn’t making it any easier on him with my outbursts. If I’m so strong and such a survivor, why couldn’t I even open up to my boyfriend and talk to him like an adult, instead of losing control and lashing out? If I truly learned from my mistakes, why am I still making them?

I was distracted the entire day, lost in thought. Twice I forgot what I was supposed to be doing in the middle of a task, and I misplaced books more than once. Everyone seemed to be able to tell I was distracted and thankfully left me alone for the most part.

I walked home slowly after my shift, worried about what to say to Edward. I knew he’d be sitting there, patiently waiting for me. I knew he’d try his best to be understanding and I was so grateful for that. He deserved to know what was going on in my head—I just didn’t know exactly what that was myself. I tried to recall the things Dr. Nelson had said to me, tried to channel his wisdom.

I got back to the apartment and found Edward sitting on the couch, the apartment completely silent. He glanced up at me and smiled lightly. I returned the smile and closed the door, dropping my stuff and kicking my shoes off. I sat down on the couch beside him, gazing down at the floor.

“I’m insecure,” I said softly, realizing it was true. I heard Edward sigh.

“I know, I just don’t understand why. You’ve never seen yourself clearly but it’s even worse now.”

“What should I be proud of? I’m a murderer,” I said.

“You aren’t a murderer, Bella. It was an accident.”

I sighed, biting on my bottom lip nervously. Edward reached over and brushed his cool fingers across my mouth, trying to get me to stop. I glanced over at him and he was looking at me sadly.

“Yeah, it was an accident. But you wanted to know how I felt, not the facts. I feel like a murderer.” He nodded slightly in understanding, his eyes imploring me to continue. “I don’t understand what you see in me, why you even bother with me. I’m just waiting for it all to come crashing down, waiting for you to come to your senses and realize what a waste of time I am.”

“That’s never going to happen. You’re not a waste of time, the exact opposite is true. Every minute without you is a minute wasted.”

I smiled sadly. “You can say that Edward but I don’t feel it.”

He gave me a hurt look. “You don’t believe me?”

“I believe that you mean what you say. But I don’t believe I’m good enough to keep you. I don’t feel like I’m worth it.”

“ I wish you could see yourself how I see you,” he said. “Intelligent, loving, beautiful, witty, funny, creative. You’re so warm, understanding, and brave. You have so much humanity and compassion.”

I glanced up at him and smiled. It was hard to believe he thought those things about me—it reminded me of the exercise in therapy when Dr. Nelson made me come up with ten qualities of myself I liked.

“Why’d you get so mad at me when I told you Alice knew in advance that we were going to make love?” he asked hesitantly after a moment.

I shrugged, sighing. “I just… I mean, it was really special to me, and it felt like it was just something you were doing because you were supposed to. I thought it happened because we both felt like it was right at the time and when I found out that you and your entire family knew about it like a month before hand, it felt like it was just a chore to you. And, God, the fact that they all knew and heard you and Alice arguing about it, you telling her how crazy she was for even suggesting it—that hurt. I felt like the butt of some joke, it was embarrassing. And to top it off you’d kept things from me again,” I rattled off, slightly mortified to be admitting all of it.

Edward was staring at me incredulously. “You don’t think it was special to me?” I shrugged and he groaned. “I didn’t do it because I was supposed to, Bella. I did it because I wanted to. Yeah I did everything I could to prepare in advance in case it did happen, but that’s only to keep you safe. Even with all the precautions I took I nearly lost it and ended up destroying the bed. You’ve got it backwards. I didn’t have sex with you because Alice had a vision. Alice had that vision because I wanted to have sex with you. It was far from a chore, Bella. I wanted it just as much as you and I cherished every moment of it. You don’t understand exactly how special it was to me, how much it means to me to have been able to share that with you.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered after a moment, staring down at the floor. Edward sighed and reached over, cupping my chin and pulling my head up to look at him.

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re talking to me and telling me these things. I hate not knowing what you’re thinking or feeling. I wish I could fix everything, make you see exactly how amazing you are. Because, Isabella Swan, you are amazing. Don’t doubt that.”

I smiled lightly. “Thank you,” I said.

He nodded. He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine softly, kissing me sweetly. “I love you,” he whispered against my lips.

He pulled back after a moment, staring into my eyes intently.

“I know,” I said, smiling.