Ch 23 - Crazy

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong

“Crazy” – Simple Plan

Dr Nelson POV


I was utterly exhausted. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that would adequately describe how worn down I was. I could barely keep my eyes open and was fairly certain I had dozed off in my morning session. I felt the urge to grab toothpicks and prop my eyelids open, and in my fatigued state I’d probably try it if I could find some.

Two nights ago I was at my house, settling in for bed, when Isabella Swan called my home phone. She’s never called me before, never had to seek me out outside of our regularly scheduled sessions, so I knew instantly that something was terribly wrong when I heard her voice. She had switched topics so rapidly that I had a hard time keeping up with her. I told her to meet me at the hospital, already knowing she’d be checking in with how unorganized and frantic she was acting and speaking.

She voluntarily checked herself in, but something happened in the span of signing the paperwork and me having it filed to set her off. I’d never seen her that way before, so agitated. She was fighting the staff and screaming about Edward being there. I couldn’t see anyone and knowing her history, I could only come to one conclusion--she was hallucinating again. And if she were hallucinating again, then it was likely she was back on drugs.

As combative as she was, we had no choice but to sedate her. Isabella had never had to be sedated before; she truly was the model patient. I’ll admit she was frustrating at first, with her adamant refusal to speak in therapy, but once we finally got her to cooperate it all came easily. She was healing nicely—so much so that I had agreed she could survive out in the world on her own finally.

But it was all too much for her. Isabella had serious issues--that was clear. I had no idea what was so special about this Edward guy that had her so wrapped up in him. But he was an obsession for her, a need. She seemed to place him on a pedestal. She described him as if he were perfect at everything and that was impossible—everyone had flaws. I tried to do a little research, but the guy was truly a mystery. All I had was a name: Edward Cullen.

I always worried what would happen if Edward showed back up. I had to wonder if maybe he had reappeared in her life and that’s what caused her downward spiral but I wasn’t sure. It was difficult to decipher what was real and what wasn’t when it came to Isabella and Edward.

So two days ago we had to sedate her, because her combativeness was a danger to the staff and she was a risk to herself. She clearly wasn’t stable. When the sedative wore off we attempted to approach her but her reaction was much the same as before. We kept her sedated throughout the night, until she was finally calm and rational enough to stop fighting and cooperate.

But when she stopped fighting, she stopped responding.

I wouldn’t classify her as catatonic. It’s clearly evident she’s lucid and knows we’re there and is capable of responding to us. She just is refusing to.

It’s a temper tantrum of sorts—the silent treatment. It’s not as dangerous as being combative but it’s just as frustrating. Because frankly I have no idea what’s going on with her and she’s not helping me understand.

We ran a tox screen when she came in and everything came back normal. No drugs or alcohol in her system at all to account for the delusions or behavior. I have no idea how to treat her when I don’t know what I’m treating.

She voluntarily checked herself in, but I went and had a 72-hour hold placed on her. I was running out of time… when that time was up, she’d be free to check herself out and walk away, never to return. And I didn’t want that to happen because she still needed help. That much was clear. I could go to court and request a 14-day hold, but knew a longer involuntary stay wouldn’t help her open up to me. Longer involuntary stays tend to make people resentful.

So I haven’t slept much—I’ve been spending every extra minute I had sitting behind this desk pouring through Isabella’s file, trying to find some clue as to what I could do to help her.

I took a sip of my coffee and nearly gagged at how cold and stale it was. I hadn’t realized exactly how long it had been sitting there. I groaned, putting her file down and leaning back to stretch my back. It was hurting from spending so much time hunched over at this desk and I would be paying for it later.

I glanced at my watch. I still had an hour until my next session and a few hours until quitting time. The rate I was going, there was no way I was going to last. I stood up and grabbed my jacket, throwing it on. I told the ladies at the front to hold my calls because I was going to the Starbucks down the street for some coffee.

I walked out the front door and sighed. It was very cloudy but thankfully not raining yet. I silently hoped the rain held off because I forgot my umbrella at home. I started to walk away from the hospital when a voice behind me stopped me.

“Dr. Nelson?”

I turned around and saw a guy standing there. I’d seen him around a few times in the neighborhood surrounding the hospital but he was essentially a stranger to me. He looked quite young, late teens, but he dressed older and more mature. He oozed confidence, maybe slightly arrogant, but his demeanor stated he was respectful. His hair was a unique bronze color and sticking up in every direction. I couldn’t tell if he simply hadn’t bothered with it, indicating he honestly didn’t care, or if he tried hard to maintain that look, indicating he wanted people to think he didn’t care. There was something slightly off about him but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He looked harmless but something told me he could be dangerous if he wanted to be.

“Yes?” I said hesitantly.

The guy sighed, running his fingers through his hair and causing it to stick up some more. So he truly didn’t care, I thought.

“My name’s Edward Cullen,” he said after a moment. I froze, completely taken off guard. I don’t know what I expected Edward Cullen to be like, but this wasn’t it. And standing outside of the hospital was the last place I ever expected to encounter him.

“Hello Edward,” I said. He nodded once in greeting. It was evident that he was aware that I knew who he was. “What can I do for you?”

He hesitated. I couldn’t discuss Isabella’s treatment with him, as there was strict confidentiality in my sessions and her medical records were off limits, so I was unsure of what his motivation in approaching me was.

“She’s not crazy,” he said after a moment. I furrowed my brow, confused. Isabella was troubled, but I’d never classify her as crazy. “When she showed up at the hospital 2 days ago, you thought she was delusional. She wasn’t. I stood that night exactly where I’m standing right now.”

As his words hit me, it all sunk in. She hadn’t imagined it. I clearly remember seeing him more than once and it’s completely plausible that he had been here. I didn’t doubt his words a bit.

“I’ve tried to maintain my distance from Bella, but it’s not easy. I love her. I always have and I always will. I want her to get better but I’m not sure how much longer I can stay away. I’ve always been protective over her.”

I nodded in understanding. Isabella had told me that Edward was always trying to keep her safe. I worried about their relationship, as it appeared he was just as dependent on her and she had been on him. If they were to ever make it as a couple, they’d need to find balance.

“Thank you for telling me that Edward, it helps,” I stated. He nodded and hesitated briefly as if he had something else to say, but eventually turned and retreated without another word.

I walked to Starbucks, lost in thought. Edward indeed came off as protective, as he appears to feel as if he’s responsible for Isabella’s safety. He also appeared quite controlling, like he was a very meticulous person and needed things done his way. If I had to guess, I’d say he overthinks things and tends to overreact, judging by the things Isabella had told me.

Based on what Isabella told me about her parents, I’d say she found something in Edward she never had growing up. She felt taken care of. Edward protected her, maybe even coddled her a bit. And she craved that. She needed to be wanted, and it was evident that Edward wanted her. She snapped and lost touch with reality the moment he stated he didn’t want her. The Edward in her mind, the one she hallucinated, would never abandon her.

I was stunned—how had I never thought of this before? It was clear as day, right in front of my eyes the entire time. Isabella has deep abandonment issues. Because of that, her self-esteem is low and she’s insecure. It also causes her to almost idolize Edward, which is why she appears to see him as being perfect and why she had such dramatic responses to all mention of him after he left. She feels that he must be something truly special to cause so much pain in her, feels like he must be above her and not her equal. She doubts herself and feels inadequate.

And I’ve been going at it the wrong way the entire time. I’ve been dealing with Isabella’s opinion of Edward when I should’ve been focusing on Isabella’s opinion of herself. If her self esteem were raised and she learned to love herself and see herself for the amazing person she is, then she wouldn’t be so desperate for Edward’s devotion and the first hint of him being unhappy wouldn’t shatter her. Because she’d be secure with herself, she’d be okay. And if we did that, her and Edward could be together and survive.

I needed to help her restore her spirit.