Ch 15 - All Messed Up

Another day wasted out of time
I can't get out of this
Altered state of mind
I'm going overboard
My conscience meets decline
Into Reality
I know this can't be fine

“All Messed Up” – Sum 41

FLASHBACK

The room was bright—too bright. It hurt and sent shooting pains through my head. I squinted my eyes, confused, trying to get a look at my surroundings but all I could see were the white lights.

I briefly entertained the idea that I possibly died and that you truly did see a bright white light when it happened… but it hurt too much for this to be heaven. My whole body ached, searing pain shooting down my back when I tried to move.

I panicked for a moment, trying to figure out where I was. The last thing I recalled was being in a vehicle with Lauren Mallory. Had that been real? It couldn’t have been—why would I go somewhere with her? Everything was hazy and I still couldn’t make anything out.

Oh God, is this Hell? I thought. I turned my head to the right and the bright light faded some. I was still squinting but things were starting to come into focus.

I could make out a brown door and plain white walls. There was a small TV in the corner hanging from the ceiling. I heard a beeping noise and looked in the direction it was coming from. There was a machine there, with flashing lights and graphs. Realization started dawning and I glanced down at myself with a gasp. I was wearing a blue and white gown and had needles poked in my arms—I was in a hospital.

I heard a sigh and turned my head towards it. In a chair, under the TV, sat someone in a police uniform. They had their head down so I couldn’t get a good look at them, but the uniform looked familiar. They shifted a bit, lifting their head up so I could see their face.

“Dad?” The words came out hoarse, barely audible. He raised his head to look at me. He was obviously exhausted… his hair seemed grayer and his worry lines more defined. He looked a lot older than the 43 years he was.

He stared at me for a moment, not speaking. The brown door swung open and we both looked towards it as a brunette woman in navy blue scrubs and a man in a dress shirt and pants walked in.

“Ah, you’re awake!” the man said. He smiled brightly, genuine happiness radiating from him.

“Uh, yeah, “ I muttered. He looked over the paper streaming from the beeping machine behind me before pulling out a mini flashlight and shining it in my eyes. It hurt and I winced.

“I imagine you’re in pain, we’re going to up your morphine some now that you’re conscious. My name is Dr. Michaels, I’m an attending here at Harborview Medical Center.” I looked at him, confused. Harborview? I heard of it briefly in passing before, remembering it was either in Seattle or Olympia. “Do you remember what happened?” he asked.

I shook my head. He smiled sadly and nodded.

“Everything will probably be a bit blurry for a bit, you were out of it for awhile. You were in a car accident. Your injuries were pretty severe so you were airlifted here, since we’re the closest Level I trauma center.”

I thought back quickly, trying to remember a car accident but nothing was coming to me. It had to have been when I was with Lauren, if that had even been real.

“How bad am I?” I asked. He sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed. I glanced over towards Charlie, scared, but he was looking away from me.

“You broke a few bones… your left leg and right wrist were both fractured, along with several ribs. Your shoulder was also dislocated. You had a collapsed left lung and were bleeding internally when you were brought in. You suffered some deep second degree burns on your back, and had a severe concussion with some slight bruising on your brain.”

I stared at him, my mouth open in shock. He saw my expression and smiled reassuringly.

“I know how it sounds, but your body has been recovering nicely so far. We were able to stop the bleeding as soon as you arrived and got your lung back up. The shoulder was put back in place and the broken bones were set and are on their way to healing. The bruising on your brain has gone down significantly. We’ve been working on the burns and they’re starting to heal. You’re going to be in some pain for some time, but there shouldn’t be any major lasting damage. You’re quite lucky, you’re going to make a full recovery.”

I nodded still trying to absorb everything. The morphine was starting to kick in and I yawned, exhausted. The doctor smiled and stood up. “You need to rest as much as possible.”

“How long was I out of it?” I asked, suddenly aware that some time must’ve passed since I was already starting to heal.

“Ten days,” he said, frowning. I blinked rapidly as the words hit me. Ten days? I yawned again. The doctor and nurse turned to leave the room and Charlie stood up, following them.

“Dad?” I said, confused as to why he was leaving. He hadn’t said anything to me yet.

He paused and sighed. “I’ll be back later to discuss the events that occurred, Isabella.”

He left the room without saying another word. I stared at the door for a while, everything sinking in. He’d called me Isabella… Charlie never called me that.

I drifted into unconsciousness and was in and out for quite some time. I woke up briefly once and saw Edward standing in the doorway. I squinted my eyes, confused but not particularly surprised. I’d seen him so much lately in my mind that his presence didn’t alarm me anymore. I realized I hadn’t been under the influence and figured I must’ve still been asleep and dreaming. I saw random glimpses of him as I floated in and out of consciousness.

I woke up hours later when a nurse entered my room to check my vitals. I heard some voices and heard Charlie arguing with someone outside my door. The nurse smiled at me compassionately.

“You’ve got some people outside that have been waiting for you to wake up so they could talk to you.” I furrowed my brow but nodded. “Do you think you’re up for it?” I nodded again.

The nurse left the room and as she opened the door I heard the doctors voice filter in… he was telling someone that my memory was still foggy and that it would be better if they came back another time. I heard Charlie object.

A few minutes later, Charlie entered my room with two other men. One was wearing a police uniform… I couldn’t make out where it was from, but it wasn’t Forks. The other man worse a suit but had a badge attached to his belt.

The man in the suit smiled while Charlie and the other guy took seats across the room.

“Isabella, I’m Detective John Cantoneli. I was hoping you could answer some questions for me.”

I turned to look at Charlie, but he wasn’t looking my direction. I knew, having a police chief as a father, that I had the right to an attorney but figured if I needed one Charlie would’ve said something or had one here for me. I turned back to the detective and nodded.

“Do you remember the night of the accident?” He asked as he took a seat.

“Uh, I think. I mean, I remember some stuff but I’m not sure.” I was frankly confused as to what was real and what I’d possibly imagined.

He nodded. “Do you remember being in a vehicle with a girl by the name of Lauren Mallory?”

“Uh, yeah. We went to Port Angeles?” I asked questioningly, still a bit hazy. The detective nodded.

“Do you remember why you two went to Port Angeles?”

I shook my head no. I had an idea of why we went but didn’t want to blurt it out in case it wasn’t true… I didn’t want to incriminate myself in something if it were completely irrelevant and possibly get Lauren in trouble at the same time.

“Okay, so you and Lauren were traveling back to Forks on US-101. Do you remember getting into the accident?”

I shook my head no at first but then spoke. “I mean, I remember things being blurry and there was screaming. I remember being in pain and everything going black but I don’t actually remember getting into an accident. What happened?”

He sighed. “Well, you lost control of the truck and it skidded off the road, flipped a few times before slamming into some trees.”

“Oh God,” I gasped. “Is Lauren okay?” I asked, suddenly concerned. She liked to make my life hell and was never going to let me live it down if I’d caused her any real damage.

The detective looked at me, his face sullen. “I’m sorry, but Ms. Mallory didn’t make it. She was pronounced dead at the scene.”

I stared at him, in shock. I felt the blood draining down from my face and bile rising up into my throat. I gagged and turned over vomiting all over the floor. I started sobbing hysterically, completely inconsolable.

I heard the detective talking some more but I couldn’t focus on him. The only thing my brain could retain were his previous words. Lauren… dead… Lauren… dead.

I faintly heard him mention drugs and GHB but couldn’t bring myself to respond to him. He asked me a few more questions but I was unresponsive, in my own world.

I heard the detective mention vehicular manslaughter and driving under the influence. I heard him repeatedly ask me if I understood my rights and I nodded absent-mindedly.

I didn’t remember them leaving or even falling asleep. I didn’t know if it were hours or days later, but I was awoken by a nurse telling me I had a visitor. I barely registered it when Tyler walked in. He spoke a bit, about what I wasn’t sure. I heard him say Laurens name a few times. He seemed to be in shock but I couldn’t really tell. After awhile, he gave up and left. I hadn’t spoken a word to him.

Time flew by. I slept on and off throughout the days and nights. I didn’t speak to anyone and people left me alone. It barely registered when a man in a white coat came in the room and asked me questions about my feelings. He asked me if I wanted to harm myself or if I was having negative feelings. I didn’t answer him… how could I possibly explain to him that I felt nothing, that I was completely numb?

People came and went from my room, completely ignoring me. They’d grown used to me being non-responsive and acted as if I weren’t there most of the time. I don’t know if they figured I couldn’t hear them or register what they were saying, but they figured they could speak freely in my room. I’d hear hospital gossip and random conversations, all of it always going in one ear and out the other.

The man in the white coat returned at some point, throwing around medical terms. I heard ‘catatonic stupor’ and ‘PTSD’ but none of it really registered. None of it mattered. I was numb.

One afternoon, two nurses walked into my room chatting. Their words filtered in and out of my head until finally something registered: “Cullen”.

“Yeah, he’s totally gorgeous,” one of the nurses said.

“Where’d he come from anyway?” the other asked.

“Um I dunno, apparently he wanted to check on her,” the first one said. “He used to be her doctor or something.”

“Has he been in to see her?”

“No, he said he didn’t want to alarm her by showing up. Dr. Michaels told him that it wouldn’t matter, as she was totally catatonic or whatever, but he said he didn’t wanna intervene.”

“You should totally try to hook up while he’s here.”

They both giggled. “I think he’s married though. But he’s totally model-worthy and looks so young. Bright blonde hair and perfect skin.”

They left the room, continuing their conversation and giggling as they exited. I stared into space, their words absorbing in. Carlisle? Here?

I drifted off to sleep sometime later, and days flew by again. The nightmares began, every time I closed my eyes I started reliving the parts of the accident I could remember. I stayed completely unresponsive and a few times Edward’s image came to me. It was the small piece of comfort I found in the hell my life had become.

Sometime later, the man in the white coat returned again. I was transferred to another floor of the hospital… I didn’t ask questions.

One afternoon a man in a suit entered my room. He said he was my lawyer. He knew I was unresponsive so I guess he took that was a sign to relax with the professionalism. He said he’d been paid an ungodly amount of money to defend me in my manslaughter and DUI case. He also mentioned I’d recently had charges of drug possession and theft added to my case. Apparently I was pleading insanity. I mentally scoffed. I wasn’t insane… was I? He said he figured he could get me off by playing up my break from reality and told me to keep it up.

As if I could do anything else, as if I could make the numbness go away.

Some time later, the man in the suit reappeared and told me that he’d gone to court that morning and that they were working out a deal for me. I didn’t know what that meant, nor could I muster up the emotion to even care. He also told me that Tyler Crowley had gone missing two months earlier. That confused me, as it felt like he had just been in my room. It had been over two months already?

Time passed again. My lawyer showed up one day and informed me that my case had been closed. The theft charge was dropped but I’d be required to pay restitution to Myrtle. The vehicular manslaughter was pled down to a misdemeanor and I’d be placed on probation. The drug charge and the DUI went away in exchange for 6 months of commitment to a psychiatric institute. I was ordered to pay Lauren’s family restitution because of their daughter’s death… he didn’t specify how much but it didn’t matter. No amount of money would bring her back; I’d pay the rest of my life in one way or another for killing her.

I dreamed Edward was there again my last night in the hospital before being transferred to start my commitment at the psychiatric institute. He stood in the corner of my room, watching me. Neither of us spoke.