Ch 19 - Forever and a Day

Cause you know I'd cross oceans to find you
And you know I can't live without you
And love is all that matters anyway
Forever and a day

“Forever And A Day” - Saliva

I froze, staring across the wooden desk at Carlisle. I hadn’t really thought through where I was going to stay… I could break into Charlie’s house or rent a hotel room or even just sleep in my truck, but I wasn’t so sure about the idea of going to the Cullen’s house to sleep.

“You guys don’t even have beds,” I muttered. Carlisle laughed.

“Actually we do. Alice bought a few when we moved back in. Some of them have ended up broken, of course, but the fact remains that we indeed have somewhere for you to sleep.”

“I… uh… I don’t know, Carlisle.”

“Please, Bella? The family will be ecstatic to see you. I don’t think Alice or Esme will ever forgive me if I didn’t bring you home with me. They’ve missed you dearly.”

I sighed. I missed them all also. Missed Esme’s motherly love and Alice’s sisterly cheer. I also greatly missed Emmett’s joking nature. Heck, I even slightly missed Rosalie, even if she had been cold towards me most of the time. And Jasper…

I gasped, thinking about Jasper. The last time I’d seen him had been when he had tried to kill me. I never once thought to consider what he had been going through.

“Jasper,” I said, frowning. Carlisle looked at me, distress etched on his face.

“Oh… I understand if you don’t feel safe in Jasper’s presence. I guess I didn’t really think about that.” He frowned, his eyes sad.

I shook my head quickly. “Oh no, Jasper doesn’t scare me. I mean, maybe that’s crazy but I’m not any more frightened of him now than before. It’s just, I never really thought about what Jasper had to be going through, if he’d even be comfortable being in the same room as me ever again.”

Carlisle looked slightly relieved. “Jasper’s overcome with guilt and feels quite ashamed about the whole thing. None of us ever blamed him but Jasper always felt like he was the cause of everything bad that’s happened. It’s been hard but I can assure you, he’d be pleased to see you again.”

“He shouldn’t blame himself, he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t mean it, couldn’t help himself.” Carlisle smiled at my words.

“You and I know that and logically Jasper does too, but that doesn’t change the fact that he feels horribly. And I think it would do wonders for Jasper if you to told him that yourself.”

I nodded hesitantly. “Okay,” I said softly. Carlisle’s smile brightened. He stood up and motioned for me to follow him. He locked up his office and I followed him to the elevators. We exited the building and I headed towards my car in the visitor lot. I started it up and pulled out. Carlisle’s black Mercedes was waiting at the stop sign for me.

He drove slowly through town with me following him. I briefly wondered if his speed was for my benefit or if he simply was just the only rational member of the family. The rest of them were junkies when it came to going fast.

Regardless of how slow we drove, the miles passed quickly and we were pulling up in front of the Cullen house before I knew it. Carlisle was standing outside my car door immediately, startling me with his agility and speed. He opened my door for me and held out his hand. I smiled at his gentlemanly gesture and took his hand, stepping out. He closed my door and walked me to the house.

All of the lights were on, but the living room and entire downstairs was deserted as far as I could tell. I heard a squealing upstairs and cocked an eyebrow at Carlisle.

“They’re giving you some space, but as you can hear it’s killing Alice.” He chuckled as more squealing rang out, causing me to laugh also.

I appreciated the gesture, especially knowing Alice wasn’t patient by nature. “Hey Alice,” I said timidly, but I knew she’d be able to hear me.

There was a blur on the stairs in front of me and immediately I was accosted, small pale arms wrapping around me. I was startled, my heart stalling from shock before thumping loudly and racing. Alice let go of me and jumped back quickly.

“I’m so sorry Bella,” she said, her eyes wide. She must’ve heard the reaction of my heart.

My hand went to my chest instinctively and I willed my heart to slow down. I heard laughter ring out from beside me and saw Emmett and Rosalie bounding down the steps. Esme appeared at Carlisle’s side quickly, smiling.

“She just got here and you’re already trying to kill her,” Emmett said jokingly. Everyone grew silent. I looked around, confused by everyone’s stillness and spotted Jasper standing on the stairs, halfway down them but frozen in spot. Realization dawned as Emmett’s words rang through my memory… ‘You’re already trying to kill her.’

Emmett looked up at Jasper apologetically, everyone else watching him with concern. He was looking down at the stairs and appeared to be debating on whether or not to flee.

I cleared my throat loudly, causing everyone to immediately look at me. Jasper's eyes met mine and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he grew even paler.

“It’s nice to see you again Jasper,” I said with a smile. He looked confused for a second before nodding once in acknowledgement.

“Bella,” he said softly. He kept his eyes on me but didn’t move an inch.

“You can join us, ya know… I won’t bite.” My voice was playful. Everyone turned to look at me, gasping, shocked by my words. I laughed lightly, shrugging. “What, too soon?”

Emmett’s loud laughter cut the silence and everyone else followed behind, chuckling. Jasper came the rest of the way down the steps and into the room finally. He stood as far from me as possible without seeming rude but I could see a faint smile on his lips. Alice smiled brightly at him, appearing pleased by his reaction.

Almost instantly, every one of them started speaking at the same time. I had numerous questions and comments flying at me from every direction. I laughed and held my hands up to stop them.

“Okay, Okay, calm down. I love you all but I am exhausted and my brain isn’t going to work fast enough to process all of that tonight.”

Carlisle nodded, stepping forward. “There will plenty of time for catching up tomorrow. For now, Bella needs some rest.”

Esme stepped forward, holding her hand out to me. “I’ll show you to a bed,” she said softly. I smiled and took her hand. We started walking upstairs and bypassed the second floor, heading up to the third. I froze when we headed down the hallway and I realized where she was leading me to… she could’ve easily pulled me along but she sensed my hesitation and stopped.

“The bed in his room is the only one that hasn’t suffered damage,” she said, looking slightly embarrassed. “I don’t think he’s ever even touched it, he’s not here enough.”

I nodded. I started walking again and Esme opened the door. She told me she’d see me in the morning and wished me a goodnight. I paused outside the doorway briefly, glancing around the room. Oddly everything appeared exactly how it had the last time I saw the room, with the exception of the fact that there was now a fairly large bed on the far side of the bedroom. I walked inside and shut the door behind me. I was surprised to see Edward’s belongings present for some reason, his entire music collection adorning the wall, his stereo system hooked up.

I really was exhausted, as it was well past midnight. I climbed into the bed and lay there for a few minutes. I’d forgotten my bag of clothes out in the car and what I was wearing wasn’t comfortable at all. The jeans were digging into me and the material of the shirt too rough for sleeping in. I sat up, considering going down to the car for my bag but not wanting to leave the room. I wavered for a moment, before climbing out of bed and opening Edwards closet.

It was packed full of clothes. I shifted through them and found a t-shirt towards the back. Unlike most of the rest of the clothes, which most seemed brand new, it was soft and obviously worn quite a bit. It was what I’d call vintage, but I’m sure someone who grew up in the early 1900’s wouldn’t see it that way. It was red and slightly faded… I couldn’t make out the text in the dark but the image on it was unmistakable: the guitar handle with the white dove sitting on top of it. I’d seen the graphic so many times in hippie stores in Phoenix and Renee even owned one at one time… but I imagine the one in my hand weren’t a reproduction. I had a suspicion that the one I was holding was authentic… and that meant for some odd reason Edward had gone to Woodstock.

I contemplated whether or not what I was doing was stupid for a moment, before saying the hell with it. I pulled my top off and unbuttoned my jeans, slipping them off. I pulled the shirt over my head and smiled. It was loose on my petite frame and fell mid thigh. It was indeed soft and smelled like Edward. I reached behind me and unclasped my bra, pulling it off and tossing it on the floor with my other clothes. I climbed back into the bed in Edward’s Woodstock shirt and my panties, and drifted off to sleep quickly.

I woke up abruptly a few hours later, after once again reliving the accident in my dreams. The room was still dark but it felt like something had changed. I pulled myself up some and glanced around, my eyes falling on a form sitting a few feet away on the couch. The moonlight shone in through the glass wall, illuminating him. He was still, completely unmoving and appeared to not even be breathing, but his golden eyes were piercing and staring directly at me. I sat up completely, my eyes not leaving him.

We sat wordlessly for a while, just gazing at each other. I was still exhausted, my eyes heavy and burning, but I was afraid to close them. Afraid that if I did, he’d disappear on me again.

“You still talk in your sleep,” he said after a few minutes, breaking the silence. I snorted a laugh, a little too loudly, and my hands shot up to cover my mouth embarrassed. He chuckled and brought his hand up to run it through his hair, finally breaking his marble stance.

“That’s embarrassing,” I muttered.

“What, the talking in your sleep or your reaction to me telling you that?” He smirked playfully.

“Both,” I said with a shrug. I felt heat creep up into my cheeks and went to cover my face with my hands, even more embarrassed to be blushing. Before I could, however, my wrist being grabbed stopped me.

“Don’t,” he said softly. I jumped, startled by his sudden closeness and the feel of his skin on me. It felt like electricity shot through my arm, my entire body starting to tingle. My heart was thumping rapidly and I knew he could hear it. He let go of my wrist quickly and backed away at my reaction. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I smiled. “Don’t be sorry, I wasn’t frightened. Surprised a bit, but not afraid of you.”

He returned my smile and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t want you to cover your blush. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by it, it’s lovely.”

My blush deepened upon his words. He reached his hand out, hesitating briefly, before running his cool fingers along my burning cheek. I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning into his touch.

“You should sleep,” he said softly after a moment. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He still had a smile on his lips, his expression soft, his eyes twinkling. I nodded but didn’t lie down or close my eyes.

He chuckled after a moment. “I’ll be around,” he said with a nod, assuming why I’d made no concrete move to fall asleep again. I smiled and nodded again, this time laying back and pulling the blanket up. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, never feeling Edward shift off of the bed.

I woke up again hours later. Curtains were drawn over the glass, but I could see the sun shining through them. I glanced at a clock on the wall and gasped, noticing it was nearly noon. I stood up and walked over to pull the curtain back. It was one of those rare sunny days in Forks, and I knew what that meant. The Cullen’s would have to make themselves scarce, which meant they’d all pretty much be hiding out in the house.

I stood there for a moment. I always thought the view from Edward’s room was amazing and could stand there for hours just looking out.

“Stunning,” a velvety voice said behind me. I jumped and turned my head. Edward stood in the doorway, hands in the pockets of his jeans. He was smiling.

“Yeah the view is gorgeous here,” I said, turning back around to look outside again. Edward chuckled and started walking towards me. He stopped right beside me, leaning over to whisper to me.

“I wasn’t talking about the view, Bella,” he said smoothly. His cool breath at my ear caused me to shiver, my breathing increasing and heart pounding wildly. He chuckled again and turned to look outside. I was blushing again and chewing on my bottom lip.

“Oh,” was all I could manage to say. He glanced back over, running his eyes down the length of my body. I glanced down and gasped, my eyes going wide and my blush deepening. I had completely forgot I was only wearing underwear and Edward’s shirt.

“I should get dressed, I’m sorry. I’m indecent. I’m sorry about your shirt, I forgot my clothes in the car. Wow… let me grab my clothes,” I rambled off nervously, turning away from him. Edward simply smiled and grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“You’re welcome to wear that shirt anytime, you look amazing in my clothes. And you aren’t indecent. Tempting, yes, but not indecent. Don’t rush to get dressed on my behalf.”

He let go of my arm, still smiling and chuckling to himself. I hesitated, a part of me wanting to run off and throw my clothes back on, but another part not wanting to leave Edwards side. After a moment the latter part won and I turned back to the window, keeping on just Edwards shirt.

We were quiet for a moment, before we simultaneously opened our mouths to speak. He muttered “I’m sorry” at the same time I said “thank you.”

We both laughed. “What are you sorry for?” I asked. He sighed.

“I don’t even know where to start with that question. What are you thanking me for, though?” He furrowed his brow in confusion.

“I don’t even know where to start with that question,” I mumbled, giving him the same answer he gave me. He chuckled, shaking his head.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me Bella. If anything you should be furious and trying to beat the heck out of me for what I’ve put you through.”

I laughed. “I’d prefer not to wind up in the ER with a broken hand today so I’ll have to decline trying to hit you.”

He smiled. “You could always asked Emmett to do it for you, he’s been wanting a good reason to hit me lately.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said playfully. I paused for a moment before growing serious. “I do have to thank you, though.”

“For?”

“Paying all that money for me.” I turned to look at him, watching his expression. His face was frozen in place and blank, but his eyes darted to me quickly, a hint of panic in them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. His voice was calm and controlled, no emotion present. I rolled my eyes.

“Sure, plead innocent” I said sarcastically. “Is that what you’re sorry about? Bailing me out of my problems?”

Anger flashed across his face, overtaking his calm façade. I fought the smile that threatened to take over my face at igniting a reaction.

“Don’t be absurd,” he said sharply. “You were suffering enough, it was the least I could do after I caused the entire mess.”

I chuckled and anger flashed in his eyes at my reaction. I flinched instinctively, as his demeanor was frightening, and his features immediately softened. He looked at me apologetically and attempted to apologize but I cut him off, raising my hand up.

“I shouldn’t have laughed at you, my fault. But you’ve gotta know that you aren’t to blame for what happened. That was all my doing.”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re wrong. It is my fault. If I wouldn’t have left you in the first place none of it wouldn’t have happened.”

I groaned, rolling my eyes. I knew he’d do this, knew he’d internalize it and find himself at fault. That was his nature. His entire line of reasoning was exactly in line with Charlie’s and that was completely unfair.

“Now you’re being absurd. You can’t blame yourself because you left me and I went crazy. You weren’t obligated to me Edward, you had to go out and live your life, you deserve happiness. You couldn’t live your life keeping an eye on me, babysitting me and making sure I didn’t fuck up.”

Edward gasped, and I turned my head to look at him. He had a look of shock and horror on his face, completely flabbergasted. I cocked an eyebrow at him questioningly.

“You said…” he trailed off, still looking shocked.

“I said what?”

“Fuck,” he said softly, barely above a whisper. I started laughing at the sound of Edward cursing… it seemed unnatural for something so foul to escape his lips. Oddly, in a way, it also somehow managed to turn me on.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I’ve never heard you say it before. It sounded so wrong… but hot at the same time.” His voice was low. He looked humiliated by his admission.

“Yeah well, right back at you.”

He laughed. “I do seriously have to apologize though.” I tried to object but he cut me off this time. His expression told me he was completely serious and there was no arguing with him. He was going to say what he felt he needed to say, regardless of if I wanted to hear it or not. I sighed and motioned for him to continue.

“I lied to you Bella. When I left I told you I didn’t want you and I didn’t mean that. I wanted nothing more than to stay with you for the rest of your life but I was afraid for you. Afraid of what would happen to you if I stayed with you. I didn’t want to ruin your life Bella, I couldn’t bare the thought of hurting you. So I left, thinking it was what was for the best. I figured you’d get over me and move on. I had no idea that any of this would happen; if I had known I assure you I would have stopped it.”

“It wasn’t your job to stop it. You made your decisions Edward; the decisions you felt were for the best. And I made mine. I did some very stupid things, but they were things I decided to do. You can’t take the blame for my decisions--I won’t allow you to. That burden is my mine to carry.”

“I’ve never stopped loving you Bella,” he said softly. I turned to look at him and our eyes met. His face was full of hope, his eyes shining with adoration. I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe he still loved me, but I was afraid. I was still so fragile and was afraid of what would happen to me if I allowed myself to believe and he decided he’d been wrong. I was afraid I’d withdraw into my mind, defensively, and never come back out this time.

My fears must’ve been written all over my face because his hopeful expression faded, pain contorting his features. He closed his eyes and turned his head from me.

I started to panic at his reaction, opening my mouth to speak. I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him, tell him I understood, when knocks rang out on the door, startling me.

“Come in Alice,” Edward said, his voice distressed. He composed himself quickly, putting on a blank mask. Alice opened the door, smiling widely. She held my bag of clothes in her hand.

“I figured you’d want this.” She raised her eyebrows at my outfit, scrunching up her nose after a moment. “Ugh, I always hated that shirt, so ugly.”

I walked over and took my bag from her, smiling. “I dunno Alice, I kinda like it.”

She rolled her eyes. Edward walked by me, brushing his arm against mine, sending sparks down my side. “I’ll let you get dressed,” he said softly.

They left and I went into Edward’s bathroom to take a shower. After I was thoroughly cleaned and my skin pink from the hot water, I hopped out and dried off. I pulled a pair of pink leggings on and a black tunic with my black flats. I didn’t bother with my hair, just let the damp locks lay flat.

I stood there for a few minutes, scanning Edward’s music. There were some brief taps on the door and Edward opened it, entering slowly. He shut the door behind him and stood there, silently, gazing at the ground.

“Edward?” I said, suddenly nervous. His eyes came up to meet mine.

“Yes Bella?” He looked torn, weary.

I sighed, pausing briefly. “I love you too Edward.”

His eyes widened in surprise and he stared at me in shock. After a moment his face lit up with a smile. I smiled back at him. I heard a squeal downstairs and Edward laughed.

“I guess Alice was listening,” I said. He laughed and nodded.

He opened his mouth to say something but Clair de Lune rung out, taking us both out of the moment. I smiled at him and walked over to where my phone lay. I had never thanked him for it or mentioned the phone calls. I picked it up, still smiling at him, and glanced down at the screen.

I froze, my smile falling. I looked up at Edward quickly. He was alarmed by my expression, confusion crossing his features.

“What’s wrong Bella?” he asked, his voice edging on frantic.

I glanced back down at my phone, still ringing. Caller ID Unavailable.

Edward went to speak again but I lifted a finger, telling him to wait. I answered the call, bringing the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” I said timidly. Silence.

I hung up, turning my attention back to Edward.

“So it wasn’t you…” I whispered after a moment.