Ch 20 - Forget About What I Said

We used to tear it down,
But now we just exist.
The things that i did wrong,
I'll bet you've got a list.
Now I know how you remember
And those moments that you choose
Will define me as a traitor,
Stealing everything you lose.

“Forget About What I Said” – The Killers

“What wasn’t me?” Edward asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I was frozen. I had been absolutely positive that Edward was the one calling. It all just seemed to fit. But he stood in front of me, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, while my phone rang with the mysterious caller that obviously couldn’t be him.

“Bella?” he asked, growing even more concerned.

“Oh, uh nothing,” I muttered. I tossed my phone down on the bed and turned away from him. I glanced around the room quickly and spotted a small silver phone sitting near his stereo. “Is that your phone?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant while motioning toward it.

Edward approached me, glancing at the phone I was pointing at. “Yeah.”

“Why don’t I have your phone number?” I asked. I immediately felt stupid for asking the question, realizing how it must look. Edward had walked out of my life abruptly and this was the first time we’d actually held a conversation since then.

Edward chuckled, deepening my embarrassment. “You do have my number Bella.”

I turned to him, shaken. What did he mean I had his number? He saw the shock on my face and laughed again. “It’s the same number I’ve always had. You used to call it often.”

I relaxed and shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I was being ridiculous, acting like a frightened child over nothing. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair to calm myself down.

“Are you okay?” Edward asked. I glanced over at him. His expression was serious, his mouth turned down into a frown. His eyes were narrowed slightly, suspiciously.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He obviously didn’t believe me, his frown deepening. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead sighed and turned away from me.

“Come in, Carlisle,” he muttered. The bedroom door opened and Carlisle stood in the doorway, smiling.

“Charlie went home about an hour ago Bella, so whenever you want to go see him is probably okay.” I smiled and thanked Carlisle. Edward was still eyeing me skeptically and it was making me nervous.

“I think I’ll go ahead and go see him now.” I started gathering up my stuff and glanced up to see Edward and Carlisle looking at each other. Edward nodded and glanced in my direction quickly before whispering something to Carlisle. He spoke so low and so fast that my ears couldn’t make it out.

I turned to walk out the door. Edward and Carlisle were both watching me, looking sullen and concerned. I smiled at both of them, attempting to alleviate whatever concerns they had, but it didn’t work. Edward frowned and ran his fingers through his hair, whereas Carlisle just sighed.

I walked down the steps and toward the front door. I didn’t see anyone around and had no idea where the family had gone. The sun was still shining brightly, so I knew they couldn’t go far. I hesitated briefly before walking out the door and to my car. I slipped in the drivers seat, throwing my bag in the back. I put the key in the ignition and started the car. I headed for the driveway and glanced in the rearview mirror to see Edward standing on the front steps. He was watching me intently, still frowning.

I sighed. I could tell he was worried and don’t know why I didn’t just tell him about the mysterious calls and how I had been under the impression that they were him. I guess I was afraid of how it was going to make me look.

I drove through Forks, my nerves on edge. I had no idea how Charlie was going to react about me showing up, if he’d even want to see me. I shamed his name in the town he loved; could he ever forgive me for that? I wasn’t sure. I hurt him so much that he turned his back on me when I had no one, when I was all alone, and he never looked back. Would me showing up on his doorstep only bring back all the hurt and shame I’d caused; would I just be throwing that back up in his face?

By the time I reached Charlie’s house, I had worked myself into a panic attack. I parked along the curb across from the house and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to compose myself. It wasn’t helping much, so I closed my eyes and laid my head against the steering wheel.

After a few minutes my nerves were calm enough for me to attempt to get out of the car. I hesitated, once again questioning whether or not this was a good idea. I looked over to the house and saw the blinds move in Charlie’s bedroom window, realizing someone had been looking out. I knew then that I was likely spotted, so turning and leaving now was fruitless. My knocking on the door may hurt Charlie, but not getting out may hurt him just as much.

I stepped out of the car and quickly made my way across the street. I walked up to the front door and hesitated. After a few deep breaths I brought my hand up and knocked.

My knocks were timid and barely registered. I was downright frightened, my heart racing fast. I brought my hand up to knock again after a moment when the front door swung open.

A woman stood there, her eyes wide with shock as she stared at me. It took a moment for it to register as to who she was—Sue Clearwater. She had been married to Charlie’s friend Harry. Harry died the beginning of my senior year of high school, not long after Edward left. It occurred in the midst of my downward spiral and I hadn’t been very supportive. He’d lost one of his best friends and it had barely registered with me because I was so caught up in my obsession with Edward. I felt a wave of guilt roll through me that made my stomach queasy.

She was still staring at me, looking quite apprehensive. I sighed. “I, uh… Hey,” I stammered, feeling stupid. The way she was looking at me was making me even more nervous—I felt utterly out of place.

“Hello Bella,” she said, her voice low. She glanced behind her in the house before turning back to me. She was looking at me expectantly, obviously waiting for me to say something.

“I heard about Charlie’s heart attack and I guess I just wanted to see how he was,” I said.

She hesitated briefly before sighing and nodding. She moved from the doorway, creating a path into the house. “Come in,” she said.

I walked into the living room slowly, glancing around the room. At first glance everything appeared the same, but upon closer look my heart fell. All of the pictures of me Charlie always kept up were now gone. The pictures of my 5-year old self that had been on Charlie’s mantle since not long after my 5th birthday weren’t there anymore. There was no trace of my existence to be seen.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be here,” I muttered, turning toward the door. Sue stood in the doorway, blocking my exit.

“Have a seat,” she said pointedly. She turned and headed up the stairs, hollering Charlie’s name on the way.

I hesitated but sat down on the edge of the couch. My hands were shaking and I was trembling, utterly afraid of what was going to happen. I was mentally kicking myself for even thinking I was ready to do this. Going to the Cullen’s and seeing Edward again was difficult enough; seeing Charlie could break me. I was fragile—regardless of how much progress I had made this past year towards healing myself and becoming whole again, the fact was any small thing could send me spiraling back. And I was afraid of how Charlie was going to react, and if my being here hurt him in any way I wasn’t sure I’d be able to forgive myself.

It felt like an eternity before I heard any movement from upstairs, but in actuality it was likely only a minute or so. Sue came back down the steps slowly. She glanced at me sitting on the couch, her expression troubled. I sighed and stood up, taking it as a sign Charlie didn’t want to see me.

“I’ll just go,” I said softly. She gave me a small sad smile. I headed towards the door when Charlie’s voice rang out upstairs.

“Wait,” he yelled. I paused with my hand on the doorknob. I turned and looked up the stairs, seeing Charlie standing at the top. I gasped. He was so frail and pale, even more so than he had looked in the dark hospital room. His hair was graying significantly, his body obviously much weaker. He just got out of the hospital so he wouldn’t be completely up to par, but I knew his heart wasn’t to blame for all of it. I had done a lot of it—I had damaged Charlie. He was only in his 40’s, but I’d caused him to physically age decades overnight.

We stood gaping at each other for a moment, neither speaking. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and willed them away, not wanting to break down. I didn’t deserve to cry. I had no one to blame for this but myself and there was no room for pity.

“Charlie you need to sit down,” Sue softly chastised, walking up the stairs and grabbing his arm. He hesitated but allowed her to lead him down the stairs. I backed up, pressing myself up against the door as they passed me. Charlie sat down in his favorite chair and waved Sue off as she started to fuss over him.

I didn’t dare move, frozen in place by Charlie’s close proximity. He didn’t speak, nor did he look at me. I was silently debating whether or not to flee when Sue cleared her throat.

“Come sit down Bella,” she said softly. I glanced at Charlie and he showed no reaction towards her words—didn’t object to her invitation. I looked back at Sue and she smiled.

I took the few steps into the living room and sat back down on the edge of the couch across the room from Charlie.

“It’s good to see you Dad,” I said softly after a moment. I knew I’d be waiting forever if I expected him to speak first.

He turned his head to look at me and nodded once. “You too Bella,” he grumbled.

I smiled lightly. Charlie didn’t return my smile but he didn’t look away thankfully. We were both quiet for a moment, the silence slightly awkward. Sue was looking back and forth between Charlie and I, obviously uncomfortable having to endure the situation.

“I’m sorry,” I said after a moment. “I know I…”

Charlie cut me off abruptly, his voice sharp. “I don’t want your apologies.”

I shut up quickly, taken aback by his forceful statement. “Okay,” I mumbled. He sighed after a moment.

“No amount of sorry’s is going to change what happened so it’s pointless,” he said, trying to clarify. I nodded in understanding.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. Mom told me you had a heart attack.”

He sighed loudly. “Damn Renee always making a big deal out of everything,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I’m fine, I’ll be back to normal before long. No need o worry.”

“Good, I’m glad,” I said.

“Bella would you like something to drink?” Sue asked. I nodded and she dashed off to the kitchen quickly, obviously happy to escape the tension for a moment.

“Sue can you bring me a beer?” Charlie yelled. He turned his attention back to me, sighing. “I didn’t know you and your mother spoke.”

“Yeah, we started writing after I got out of the hospital.”

“So you’re out of treatment,” he muttered, more to himself than me.

I nodded. “I still go to therapy though.”

“Good.” Sue walked back in the room and handed me a glass.

“All we have is water,” she said, her voice apologetic. I smiled and thanked her, ensuring her that water was fine. The fact that she said ‘we’ didn’t escape me and I briefly wondered the nature of Charlie and Sue’s relationship.

She handed Charlie a glass of water and he raised his eyebrows, looking at her questioningly.

“You heard Dr. Cullen, Charlie. No alcohol for a month. You need to let your heart recover.”

Charlie mumbled something under his breath. I couldn’t make it all out but I definitely picked up Carlisle’s name and a few curse words. I had to stifle a laugh.

“So, Bella, how long are you in town for?” Sue asked after a minute of silence. I was immediately grateful for her picking up the conversation.

“I’m just passing through, just drove down to see how dad was doing.” She nodded.

“We’d love it if you stayed a bit,” Sue said. She shot a look at Charlie and he mumbled something under his breath but didn’t outwardly object. I sighed.

“I appreciate it, but I have work and therapy I have to get back to,” I said. She nodded in understanding.

We spoke a bit longer and Charlie seemed more relaxed in my presence after a while. I told them about my job at the library and my apartment. Charlie said nothing much changed in his life, but confessed that him and Sue were dating. I told them I was happy for them and I really was—I was happy Charlie had found someone.

Charlie turned on the TV eventually and we sat around quietly watching a sitcom. Sue ordered pizza and they convinced me to stick around for dinner.

It felt nice, spending time with Charlie. There was still a bit of tension in the air, all of the unspoken things still lingering. He refused to talk about my last few months in Forks, not wanting to discuss the horrible things I had done.

Some time close to sunset there was a knock on the front door and the door swung open. I froze as two guys walked in. I recognized Jacob immediately—he had miraculously grown even more since the last time I saw him, but there was no mistaking it was him. I didn’t immediately recognize the second boy but after a moment it struck me that he was Sue’s son Seth. He had grown a lot since the last time I saw him, well over a foot in height and was heavier. I realized he must’ve gone through the transformation also and started phasing.

Jake and Seth were laughing and greeted Charlie and Sue. Jake’s eyes fell upon me and he froze. His smile fell and he narrowed his eyes. I could see him start shaking lightly, his nose twitching. His expression was furious as he stared me down.

I was confused by his reaction… we’d had a falling out, of course, but I was surprised to see such hostility. Even Charlie had been more welcoming, and Charlie had more reason to hate me than Jake.

Seth was eyeing me suspiciously. Sue sensed the hostility and immediately sent both boys back outside. They turned around and left, Jake slamming the door behind him. Charlie sighed, shaking his head.

I stuck around for a little bit longer, but the tension had grown since Jake’s appearance. After about 20 minutes I stood up and told Charlie and Sue I had to go. Sue nodded and smiled. I hesitated in front of Charlie, before leaning down and giving him a quick hug. It was awkward but it felt nice.

“Bella?” Charlie said as I opened the front door.

“Yes dad?”

He hesitated for a moment, obviously unsure of whether or not he wanted to say whatever it was he intended to say. “Don’t be a stranger.”

I smiled lightly. “I won’t be.”