Ch 46 - Love Who You Love

Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time that flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love
Give all ya' got like it's your last day
Your heart and soul before it's too late
And pull 'em in
So close enough that they can feel it
With every single breath that you're breathin'
Breathe it in again and again

“Love Who You Love” – Rascal Flatts

I forced my eyes to open, squinting as I took in my surroundings. My head was pounding fiercely, so hard it made my vision blurry and my ears ring. Things started to come into focus and I was confused, nothing really looking familiar. I slowly pulled myself up in a sitting position and shivered as a chill shot through me. I glanced down and gasped, my eyes widening. I grabbed the blanket and pulled it up to cover myself and scanned my surroundings quickly. I was topless.

I noticed a piece of paper lying on the bed beside me and picked it up. Three simple words were written across it in the familiar elegant scrawl that I knew belonged to Edward.

Be back soon, it said. I furrowed my brow, trying to make sense of things. The haze lifted and the previous nights events started to come back to me slowly. Edward took me out for my birthday, dinner and dancing. I drank wine and then martinis—likely too much of it, given the pounding in my head. Afterward we went to a cabin, which I’m pretty sure Edward said he owned, to hang out. We kissed and then…

Oh God, I thought, gasping loudly and pulling the covers away slightly to peer down. I was indeed completely naked—I hadn’t dreamt it. We really had sex.

I couldn’t help the smile that overcame my face, pure joy and excitement bursting through me. I always dreamed about it, desired it, but never did I really think it would happen. I was always so sure Edward would deny me this, knowing how dangerous it was. But he hadn’t. Edward had made love to me, taken my virginity.

My body started tingling as I recalled how it felt—the intense pleasure rocking through me, electricity sparking under my skin. I had been in such a trance at the time, everything clouded out except for the sensations of Edward’s cold skin pressed up against mine. It had been so amazing, beyond anything I’d ever imagined.

I glanced around the room, slightly confused as to where Edward had gone. I felt a bit of irrational fear, wondering why he’d gotten up and left. Had it been bad for him? Did he regret it?

I slipped out of bed quickly, keeping the blanket wrapped around me. I groaned as I forced myself into a standing position, my entire body aching and screaming in protest. I walked to the kitchen slowly, nearly hobbling, trying to loosen up my muscles. I opened the fridge and smirked—it was pretty much empty, of course, with the exception of some bottled water. I breathed a sigh of relief--I was parched, my mouth and throat completely dry.

I grabbed one and closed the fridge door, walking to the small bathroom. I allowed the blanket to drop to the floor and glanced down, gasping loudly and freezing.

It was easy to see why my body was so sore. There were deep bruises on my hips and side. I swung around quickly to find a mirror, closing my eyes as dizziness took over. When I reopened my eyes, they fell upon the image of my naked form in a full-length mirror beside the sink. I focused on the bruises, groaning as I noticed they formed almost perfect handprints. Edward had accidentally marked me. I wasn’t exactly surprised about it, knowing he was strong and capable of doing such things without even realizing it. I hadn’t even really felt it, I remembered him holding me tightly but it had felt good, so good I tried to force him closer to me, force him to hold me tighter.

I wasn’t at all upset about it but I knew Edward. I knew he’d be devastated. I couldn’t help but worry that he’d already noticed it and that’s why he wasn’t here. He didn’t want to be here when I saw, was afraid of my reaction.

I washed up quickly, noticing the dry streak of red going down my thigh. I realized I must’ve bled and my heart fell—I remembered faintly him battling for control as he entered me but I didn’t know why at the time. Now I do. I couldn’t imagine how hard that had to have been on Edward.

I walked out of the bathroom and grabbed my dress off of the floor, throwing it on as quickly as my sore muscles would allow. I wasn’t putting the lingerie back on and the panties were ripped, so I’d have to go without undergarments for now. It hurt when I reached back to try to zip it up and got it halfway before giving up. I’d deal with it later.

I glanced at the bed, my eyes widening. The wooden headboard was destroyed, the wood splintered and broken. The sheets and mattress were torn, appeared to have been clawed. And the pillow… it was in pieces, completely torn to shreds.

I found a trash bag in the kitchen and tossed the pillow in it. I rolled the sheets up, noticing the red bloodstain. I tossed them in the bag also, knowing they couldn’t be saved. I tied the bag up and set it in the corner of the room. I glanced back over to the bed and frowned. There wasn’t anything I could do about the destruction to the frame and the mattress… they’d have to be replaced.

The front door to the cabin opened and I glanced over cautiously as Edward entered. He glanced at the bed and then his eyes fell upon me. He smiled sheepishly, almost embarrassed. He didn’t appear upset at all and seemed to be glowing some, oozing the same radiance I’d woken up with, so I instantly realized he hadn’t noticed the bruising. I knew it was wrong to keep things from him but I didn’t want him to know—didn’t want to ruin this, didn’t want to taint his memory of the evening. He seemed content, more content than I’d ever seen him. He was genuinely happy, confident. I wasn’t going to ruin that.

“Good morning love,” he said softly as he closed the door behind him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up but I figured you’d be hungry and there’s absolutely nothing in this place for you to eat.”

I smiled, nodding. “That’s sweet of you. And I did notice the fridge was empty.”

“Oh you snooped?” he asked playfully, setting a bag he was holding down on the table.

“Should I be snooping? Are you hiding something?” I replied with, equally as playful. Edward glanced at me and chuckled at my expression. I had my eyes narrowed and was cocking an eyebrow, but a smile was playing on my lips.

“Sorry to disappoint but you’ve already discovered all of my secrets.” He pulled out a bottle of aspirin and handed it to me. I glanced at it with confusion, suddenly worried that he knew about the bruises. “I can hear your head pounding, Bella,” he said when he noticed the questioning look I was giving the bottle of pills.

I took two and thanked him. He pulled out a container and opened it, the scent of French Toast hitting me immediately, making me nearly salivate. My stomach growled loudly, causing both of us to laugh.

I sat down to eat, once again thanking him. Edward came up behind me and softly ran his hand up my spine, my back still partially exposed. He grabbed the zipper and pulled it up slowly, finishing dressing me. It was a simple gesture but it was almost intimate, heartwarming.

After I finished eating I stood up slowly, my muscles still aching but most of the pain diminished thanks to the aspirin. Edward eyed my movements suspiciously but didn’t question me. He was educated, I’m sure he knew it was normal to be a bit sore afterwards and likely chalked it up to that. At least, I hoped he did.

“So, uh, nice bed,” I mumbled after a moment, breaking the silence. Edward glanced at me from the corner of his eye, frowning.

“I didn’t mean to… do all that,” he said apologetically, motioning towards the damage. “But better the bed than you.”

I smiled and nodded. “I understand,” I said. “It’s your bed anyway, you’re free to annihilate it if you want. I’m just a little shocked I didn’t realize it at the time. I mean, shouldn’t I have noticed?”

Edward shrugged. “Maybe. It was a bit, uh… intense.”

I smiled, laughing lightly. “You can say that again.”

Edward smiled lovingly, gazing at me. “Are you okay though? I mean, I didn’t hurt you or anything?”

I smiled. “I’m great.” It wasn’t a lie per say--I truly was great—but I was lying by omission and I felt guilty.

“Good,” he said, smiling brightly.

“Are you okay?” I asked cautiously. He shot me a strange look, nodding.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I dunno, I mean… I know what it was like for me but I dunno,” I muttered incoherently. I felt my cheeks redden with embarrassment.

“Are you asking me if I enjoyed it?” Edward asked softly after a moment. I nodded, gazing at the floor, unable to look up at him. “It was amazing, I can’t even begin to describe how incredible it was. Bella you are spectacular, I can’t ever thank you enough for the gift you gave me last night.”

My eyes shot up to him at his words and he smiled. He gazed at me adoringly, pure love shining in his eyes. His smile fell after a moment, his expression turning serious. “ I can’t promise it’ll happen again. It wasn’t easy, it was dangerous and I’m not sure we can take that risk again, at least not anytime soon. As much as I’d want to, we need to be safe.”

His eyes were imploring me to understand and I honestly did. I could tell as much as he enjoyed it, it was also torturous for him. He held back, fighting to stay in control, and still managed to leave marks and destroy the bed in the process. It wasn’t a risk Edward would take often, and frankly I was still surprised he caved the night before. But I couldn’t deny that it hurt a bit, hearing him tell me it would likely be a one-time occurrence. Regardless of everything my body still craved him, desired him, and it was even harder now knowing what I’d be missing.

Edward glanced at his watch after I nodded. He smiled mischievously. “We’ve gotta get going. You have to work soon and need to get ready.”

Edward quickly did a bit of cleaning up before taking my hand and leading me out of the cabin. We climbed into the Aston Martin and Edward drove us back into the city.

When we arrived back at the apartment, I immediately headed for the bathroom and drew a hot bath. I climbed in slowly, the water steaming from the heat. It took a moment for my body to adjust to the temperature.

I lay my head back, relaxing, allowing the water to soothe my body. I felt my muscles loosening, the slight ache that lingered inside from Edward taking my virginity disappearing. I climbed out after a while, feeling slightly better. It would take a few days for the bruises to disappear so I’d have to be careful around him until then.

I wrapped a towel around me, walking to the bedroom. I pulled a pair of loose fitting khaki cargo pants out of the closet and a black smocked babydoll top. I dressed quickly and walked out to the living room. Edward was sitting at the table, talking to someone on the phone. I knew it was family, considering he was speaking so low humans wouldn’t be able to hear it.

Edward insisted on walking me to work. We walked slowly, in relative silence, simply holding hands. It was sweet and not uncomfortable at all. He kissed me softly when we arrived at the library, telling me he’d see me when I got off. As soon as I entered the library, Margaret smiled and told me she had to alter the schedule a bit, indicating I had tomorrow off. I shrugged, indicating it wasn’t that big of a deal.

My shift dragged by slowly. We weren’t busy, the rush from the beginning of the semester finally dying down. I realized college kids had a pattern—they’d throw themselves into schoolwork passionately at the beginning, giving 110%, before slowly dwindling down to merely doing what they needed to in order to scrape by. I was thankful tonight for the lack of work, as I was distracted. My mind kept replaying the night with Edward, reliving the moment.

When my shift came to an end, I helped close up and walked out. Edward stood beside the entrance, smiling. He looked excited about something but kept glancing at me nervously. “Have a good day at work?” he asked.

“It was okay,” I said, shrugging.

He nodded. “I have a surprise for you,” he said after a moment as we approached our building. I groaned.

“Edward you know I hate surprises,” I grumbled.

“Yeah, I know. But it’s your birthday Bella.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I thought we celebrated my birthday yesterday? And wasn’t everything that happened last night a good enough surprise?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Last night was a bit spur-of-the-moment, though. I mean I kind of knew it was going to happen but I hadn’t exactly planned it.”

I stopped abruptly. “What do you mean you knew it was going to happen?” I asked.

A look of guilt crossed over Edwards face as he realized what he said. He smiled sadly. “Alice,” he said with a shrug.

I groaned loudly, rolling my eyes. “She saw?! She knew??” He nodded. I felt embarrassment and anger surging through me, realizing that was what Alice and Edward had been arguing about. Alice saw us having sex and told him about it, but he adamantly denied it, swearing she was wrong. They’d discussed my sex life, or lack thereof, behind my back for weeks. The entire family was clued into it, everyone but me. I was growing mad—very mad.

“So that’s what you two have been bickering about? Whether or not you’d fuck me?” I spat.

A look of shock came over Edward, his eyes widening as my words hit him. I was furious. Last night had been special to me and I thought it had been the same for him, only to discover he’d been embattled in a fight for weeks over whether or not it would happen. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I pulled my hand from his and walked to the building, scaling the steps and entering quickly. Edward ran after me, frantically trying to stop me.

“Bella, wait! Please stop!” I ignored him, continuing to storm up the stairs. I wasn’t exactly mad at him, he couldn’t help what it was his sister shared with him, but it did hurt. I was shocked and embarrassed.

“Just leave me alone for a bit Edward, just let me be,” I mumbled. He groaned.

“No Bella, you don’t understand! Stop for a second, listen to me,” he said, shaking his head. I rolled my eyes and pulled out my keys to unlock the apartment door.

“What don’t I understand Edward? It seems pretty clear to me. You fucked me, much to your dismay, making your sister right again,” I said coldly as I turned to face him, pushing the door open behind me. Edward groaned loudly, glancing past me into the apartment, before bringing his hands up to cover his face. I looked at him questioningly, taken a bit off guard by his reaction. I was acting like a child, I knew that, and expected him to spat back how ridiculous I was being. But he didn’t.

I turned to walk into the apartment and froze. I felt the color drain from my face, suddenly feeling dizzy. Edward reached out and grabbed my arms, obviously knowing what a shock this was to me. He sighed loudly, leaning forward. “Surprise,” he said softly, whispering in my ear.

I understood now why Edward had tried to stop me from barging into the apartment, what he had been trying to tell me. He wanted to prepare me for what I was going to find behind the door.

I felt a million different emotions surge through me. I wanted to punch Edward, hit him for doing this because I didn’t know if I were ready yet and it wasn’t his place to put me in this situation. But at the same time I wanted to grab a hold of Edward and hug him, kiss him passionately; show him how grateful I was because there’s no way I would’ve been brave enough to do this myself.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to calm myself. I reopened my eyes and smiled.

“Hey, mom.”