Ch 24 - Waiting

Void I can't fill
The doctor tells me to relax and stand still
Prescribes me a new pill to quell my anger
Wish I could make her pull herself up off the floor
Waiting for this life to change seems like it's taking me forever
And I can't. Hold on. This light. Is breaking into the day
This life is going to change seems like it's taking me forever
And I can't. Hold on. This light. Is breaking into the day, Again
Into the day, Again.

“Waiting” – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I sat on the floor of my 10 x 10 cell, staring at the blank white wall in front of me. I wasn’t under arrest, wasn’t serving a prison sentence, but it felt like it none-the-less. I felt more like a prisoner now, having come here voluntarily, than I did when I was involuntarily locked away for 6 months as punishment. I needed it then, I was severely troubled—catatonic and hallucinating. But now? I wasn’t crazy now.

At least I didn’t think I was, but the jackasses here seemed to disagree. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to explain it to them--they didn’t believe me. I knew how it looked, me swearing that Edward was there, but I truly figured they’d give me the benefit of the doubt. I know I could’ve been more calm and rational about the situation at the time, but I was in the middle of a panic attack. I realize I had a breakdown but I didn’t snap. I’m not crazy. He had been there.

But they weren’t listening, so I stopped talking. I stopped trying to explain it and they stop drugging me. It was nothing but a vicious cycle that I wasn’t going to win; there was no point to it.

I figured I could simply check myself out considering I checked myself in, but Dr. Nelson one upped me and got a court order holding me for 72-hours. So I spent my time sitting on the floor, ignoring everyone and everything except for the clock on the wall. I was counting down the time until I could get out.

Speaking of which, I had 13 hours and 16 minutes left. That’s 796 minutes, or 47,760 seconds if you wanted to get technical, until I could be free. And once I walked out of those doors, I was never coming back to this place.

“Isabella you’ve got a session in 15 minutes,” someone said from my doorway. I didn’t acknowledge them but they knew I heard what they said. They knew I wasn’t catatonic. They thought I was simply being childish. Maybe I was but I didn’t care. They wouldn’t listen to what I had to say so there was no point in me talking.

I watched the second hand do circles around the clock as the minutes ticked away. I sighed after awhile and got up to walk out to the common room. I wasn’t trusted right now so I wouldn’t be allowed the freedom to walk downstairs on my own… they’d escort me like the prisoner I felt like.

I sat down in a chair near the windows and gazed out. I felt the chair beside me shift but didn’t turn my head to look at them. I didn’t really care who they were or what they wanted.

“The owls are back,” a voice whispered. I felt the corners of my mouth lift up—it was Marianne. She spent just as much time in this place as she did out of it.

I didn’t respond or turn to acknowledge her, just continued to gaze out the window.

“I think they can get into minds but I don’t think they’re bad. No, not bad. Not like the others.” She grew quiet and I snuck a peek at her. She looked deep in thought. After a moment she nodded, obviously coming to some sort of conclusion. “No, not like the other’s at all. They don’t have to fear Buffy. The owls are safe with their gold eyes.”

I turned my head in Marianne’s direction, furrowing my brow. She saw my expression and smiled.

“They’re still watching you.” She stood up abruptly and walked away. I sat frozen, her words running through my mind repeatedly. Her thoughts came off as being random and to the average person she likely sounded insane, but to me they made sense. It was utterly ridiculous, trying to analyze what a paranoid schizophrenic said, but it all just seemed to click. She called them owls because of their golden colored eyes, but said they weren’t like the others that Buffy went after. Buffy was a vampire slayer. Was she saying her ‘owls’ were vampires also, but not bad? Could she be talking about the Cullen’s?

I turned and glanced around the room, looking for her. I realized she wouldn’t give me a straight answer but I had to ask. Did she know? Could she seriously be saner than anyone gave her credit for?

I didn’t get the chance, though. I saw the nurse approaching me cautiously and groaned. It was time for my session. I got up without saying a word and walked to the front. A man walked me out and into the elevator, escorting me down to the first floor. He stayed with me the entire way to Dr. Nelson’s office door, not leaving until I was inside.

I flopped down in the chair and kicked my feet over the side of it, slouching down. I wasn’t even facing in Dr. Nelson’s direction. I had no intention of even acknowledging his presence, nothing he could say would change my mind..

He was silent. I couldn’t tell what he was doing but I didn’t hear any movement so I doubted he was writing. I could sense his eyes on me so I figured he was likely just staring at me. I attempted to ignore him but the tension was growing, the atmosphere uncomfortable.

After a few minutes he sighed. “I met someone today Isabella.”

I rolled my eyes. He was quiet again for another moment, obviously hoping I’d take the bait and inquire as to who but he was sadly mistaken—it wasn’t happening.

“After meeting him, I realized I was going about this completely wrong. So if you’d allow it, I’d like to try this a little different. I want to try focusing on only you for awhile.”

I didn’t respond, having no interest in talking to him. I was swinging my legs, appearing completely oblivious to his presence and gazing around the room, looking at everything but him.

“I think you might know him actually,” Dr. Nelson said, obviously finally realizing I wasn’t taking the bait. “He said his name was Edward Cullen.”

As soon as his name left Dr. Nelson’s lips, I froze. There had to have been a mistake, he couldn’t have just said he met Edward. I turned my head to glance at Dr. Nelson. He was obviously exhausted, his eyes bloodshot with bags under them. Despite looking as if he would pass out at any moment, he appeared to be completely serious.

“Did you just say….” I trailed off, unsure if I wanted to even know.

He nodded. “Yes. I said I met Edward this afternoon.”

I narrowed my eyes, glaring at him suspiciously. I didn’t want to believe he was lying to me. I didn’t even think he was allowed to do such a thing, figured there was some kind of clause in his job description that made lying and tricking patients against the rules. But I couldn’t figure out how he’d meet Edward, or why for that matter.

Dr. Nelson sensed my skepticism and smiled, nodding. “I assure you I did. In fact, I’ve actually seen him a few times but was completely unaware that it was Edward until today.”

“How do you know it was him?”

“He stopped me when I was going out for a cup of coffee earlier and introduced himself. Said he wanted me to know that he had been here, outside the hospital, the other night when you came in.”

I rolled my eyes, feigning nonchalant annoyance but inside I was frenzied, my heart racing wildly. Edward had been here today, standing outside of the hospital? “Wait, are you sure you really met him today? Are you sure you didn’t just imagine he was there?”

He glared at me, obviously not appreciating my snarkiness. I smirked.

“I apologize for that, you should’ve been given the benefit of the doubt, but regardless you were combative and we had no choice but to sedate you for everyone’s safety.”

I nodded but otherwise didn’t respond.

“Anyway, I have to admit Edward was nothing like I expected. He seemed to be quite mature for his age. It was hard to believe he’s only 19.”

I smiled and nodded. If only he knew how true his statement was.

“So how do you feel about that?” I looked at him questioningly. “How do you feel about the fact that Edward was here?”

I shrugged. Dr. Nelson stared at me expectantly, obviously wanting me to elaborate. I groaned.

“I can’t really say I’m shocked, isn’t the first time he stood outside the hospital. A bit surprised maybe that he was here today and that he spoke to you.”

He nodded. We were both quiet for a moment. I was lost in thought about Edward. He sought out Dr. Nelson in order to inform him that he had been here at the hospital the night I checked in… did he know what happened? That I had freaked out and they had to drug me? That they believed I was hallucinating again? If he had stayed nearby and heard all of it, what took him so long to intervene?

“Isabella, what are you goals?”

“What?” I asked, taken off guard by the random change in topic.

“Your goals. Everyone has goals. What do you want for the future?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, haven’t really thought about it.”

“What about college? Do you want to go to college?”

“Uh, maybe. I used to, I started applying to schools before everything happened.”

“Have you thought about applying again? Maybe enrolling in a community college to start out with?”

I shrugged. “I thought about it, I don’t know though. Don’t know what I want to do.”

“What do you enjoy the most? What’s your dream job?”

“A writer maybe,” I said.

Dr. Nelson’s timer went off and I jumped, startled that an hour had flown by so fast. He sighed and turned it off.

“You’ll be free to check yourself out in a few hours and your therapy is of course completely voluntary at this point, but I really recommend you continue to come. I’ve realized that most of your problems stem from abandonment issues.”

I opened my mouth, ready to scoff at his conclusion, but he held his hand up to silence me.

“Just hear me out. Whether or not you’ll admit to it, you need to be wanted. You snapped the first time Edward stated he didn’t want you and abandoned you. You grew addicted to the drugs and the hallucination of him because the Edward in your mind would never abandon you; he was always there when you wanted him to be. You think highly of Edward, as if he’s royalty, whereas you view yourself as less than him, not completely worthy. I imagine when it comes to Edward now, you have a part of you that desperately wants to run away from him and avoid him because you’re afraid of being hurt again. A part of you that says to walk away from him before he has a chance to walk away from you.”

I stared at him, slightly stunned by how in tune his observations were.

“And I think we should work on that, raise your self esteem and help you realize your full potential so that you don’t continue to feel this way. If we can get you over your abandonment issues, it’s possible for you to have a healthy successful relationship with someone, be it with Edward or someone else in the future.”

I nodded. “I’ll think about it,” I said softly. I got up and exited the office. There was a man standing in the hallway waiting to escort me upstairs. I reluctantly went to the elevator, my mind going through everything that had been said in Dr. Nelson’s office.

When I arrived back on the 3rd floor, I scanned in and went straight back to my 10 x 10 cell. I sat down on the floor and glanced up at the clock. 11 hours and 54 minutes to go. 714 minutes. 42,840 seconds.