Ch 7 - Me, I'm Not

I can't shut it off

This thing I've begun

And it's hard to tell

Just where it's coming from

And it's hard to see

What I'm capable of

And it's hard to believe

Just, what I've become

“Me, I'm Not” – Nine Inch Nails

FLASHBACK – Valentine’s Day

I sat in the passenger seat of the small white Honda, gazing at the house across the street. I could hear the thumping of the bass coming from the speakers and could see countless people filtering in and out through the front door.

“You ready to go inside?” Angela asked softly. I turned my head to look at her and sighed. Her expression was compassionate and she smiled. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

I nodded and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind me. It was Valentines Day. I honestly couldn’t care less about the holiday but Charlie had practically hounded me until I agreed to go to the party Jessica was throwing. I had to have been the only teenager in the history of the world whose parent begged them to go to an unsupervised teenage party. I guess Charlie was naive about what went on at these things; I don’t know what he expected. Did he think we’d be sitting around playing monopoly or braiding each others hair? Or maybe Charlie would rather have his daughter out getting into trouble than locked away, completely unresponsive. As a cop, he could deal with a teenager daughter partaking in bad activities, but as a father he was lost when it came to dealing with a teenager daughter distraught and heartbroken.

Angela linked her arm with mine and pulled me across the street. She was chattering away about something, but her words were going in one ear and out the other.

We got the front door and Angela pulled me inside. The place was packed; it seemed as if every student from Fork High School was present. We pushed our way through the crowd and Angela spotted Ben at a table playing poker with a group of guys. He motioned for her to join him.

Angela bit her lip and glanced at me. I mustered the biggest smile I could. “Go ahead Angie, I’ll be fine.” She looked relieved and pulled me in for a quick hug.

“Relax, have fun,” she said before practically skipping over to where Ben sat.

I sighed, glancing around before I started aimlessly wandering the house. I spotted Jessica and Lauren standing by the doorway to the kitchen. Jessica smiled at me, but it was obviously forced. Lauren sneered and leaned over to whisper something to Jessica. They both giggled, watching me. I rolled my eyes and quickly turned to walk the other direction, but was stopped abruptly when I collided with someone. The force of the hit knocked me off balance and I nearly fell, but the person’s arms shot out and caught me.

“Whoa,” the guy said. I glanced up and noticed it was Tyler Crowley. He smiled and let go of me once I was steadied. “Nice to see you Bella.”

I smiled. “Hey Tyler.”

He nodded, looking me over. “You look like you could use a drink,” he said with a laugh. I opened my mouth to disagree, but before the words could come out he grabbed my arm and started pulling me through the crowd. He stopped in front of the keg, grabbed a red plastic cup, and poured some beer into it.

“Here. It’s not the best tasting thing in the world, but it does the trick.”

I eyed the cup warily for a moment and Tyler laughed. I took the cup from him, raised it up to my nose and sniffed. It smelled repulsive and I imagined it likely tasted the same way. Tyler was still watching me, grinning. I shrugged and tipped the cup back, swallowing as much as I could without tasting it.

I shuddered and he laughed again. “Good job Swan,” he said, patting me on the back. Someone called his name across the room and he gave me another small smile before walking away.

I wandered around again, occasionally sipping the beer in my hand. Each time I’d shudder at the disgusting taste. A short time later Tyler approached me again, taking the cup from my hand and replacing it with another. “Here, I figured you’d like this better.”

I looked in the cup and saw a greenish slushy liquid and glanced at me warily. “It’s a margarita,” he said with a shrug. “Girls like that shit, easier to go down.”

I smiled and thanked him. I took a cautious sip, shocked at how good it tasted. I could barely detect any alcohol. I drank it quickly… it went down easily and reminded me of drinking one of those Icee’s you get at the convenience store.

Tyler took the cup and came back moments later with a refill. He smiled and turned to join his friends across the room. I started wandering again, this time looking for Angela. I was finally loosening up and had the urge to thank her for being such a good friend. She was the only one who had stood by me, who hadn’t mocked me or laughed at my breakdown. She was compassionate and embodied what a true friend was.

She wasn’t at the table with the poker players anymore, nor did I see her anywhere in the living room. I headed toward the kitchen and swayed, grabbing the doorframe to stabilize myself. The alcohol was really taking effect and my vision was slightly blurring. I was feeling numb… but it wasn’t the same numb I’d grown accustomed to feeling. This numbness wasn’t just emotional; it was a feeling in my chest radiating outward.

I glanced around the kitchen, not seeing Angela. I turned to walk back through the living room and saw Tyler across the room. He was in the middle of a group of guys, but his attention wasn’t on them. He was watching me closely and smiled when he saw me looking at him.

I stopped walking, confused. I felt exhausted, my eyes suddenly feeling heavy. The room was spinning. I stumbled toward the couch, needing to sit down. I swayed a bit with each step I took and eventually lost balance, collapsing to the floor with a loud thump.

My vision was blurry. I could hear people around me talking and heard a voice yell for someone to call 911. I slipped in and out of consciousness for a while and felt my body convulsing. I felt the bile rising up and started gagging.

My vision cleared briefly and I saw everyone was standing around with horrified looks on their faces, panicking. I lost consciousness again briefly, still seizing on the ground. When I came back around, I opened my eyes and saw him. Edward.

He sat down beside me and pulled me onto his lap.

“It’ll be okay love, just hold on. It’ll all be over soon.” He gazed down at me, giving me the crooked smile I always loved. He kissed my forehead, his icy cold lips sending a chill through me. I could feel the electricity between us. His face was full of adoration, his golden eyes sparkling. He rocked me lightly, shushing me. He stroked my hair lightly, and started humming my lullaby.

I could feel the coldness of his skin against me, and I could smell the sweetness of his breath as he hummed.

My eyes closed involuntarily again and I lost consciousness. When I came back around, I was no longer on the floor at Jessica Stanley’s house. I was in a brightly lit room, lying on a small uncomfortable bed. I glanced around confused, and winced at a pain coming from my arm.

“Be careful sweetie, you’re tugging on your IV,” a females voice said. I looked over and saw a plump blonde woman in hot pink scrubs, holding a chart in her hand. I recognized her as a nurse I’d met in the ER at Forks Hospital when I nearly got crushed by a van the year before.

“What happened?” I asked, my voice raspy. She smiled and opened her mouth to speak, but a loud voice rang out in the hallway, startling us both. I recognized it as belonging to Charlie, and he was obviously upset.

The door to my room flew open and Charlie bounded inside. Another police office came in behind him, followed by Dr. Snow. Charlie’s expression was furious.

“Hello Miss Swan, how are you feeling?” the doctor asked. He took my chart from the nurse and scanned through some papers.

“Okay, a little confused. What happened?”

He sighed. “Well it appears you had a seizure at a party last night; you were brought in by ambulance unconscious. We ran some labs and discovered you suffered a drug overdose.”

I gasped and heard Charlie huff. He glanced at me briefly, fire in his eyes.

“Drugs?” I muttered in disbelief. The night played out through my mind, the parts I could remember. Arriving with Angela. Tyler giving me drinks. Collapsing. I gasped again as I remembered Edward.

Dr. Snow flipped through some papers. “The labs came back positive for a high level of GHB. GHB is a tricky substance; it’s easily accidentally overdosed, especially when homemade. It’s often slipped to people undetected, and in high doses can cause hallucinations and seizures. You’re lucky, though, as it could’ve been worse. You very easily could’ve fell into a coma or died”

His words sunk in, realization dawning. Tyler had drugged me. Edward hadn’t really been there. The doctor continued to speak and I could faintly hear Charlie yelling, but none of it registered. I was so lost in my own mind, consumed by what had happened.

Everyone left the room after awhile, leaving me to my thoughts. I stayed in the hospital overnight and the only time anyone entered my room was when my vitals needed to be taken. The next day Charlie came by to pick me up when I was released.

He didn’t speak to me, but I could tell he had a million questions he was itching to ask. I went straight to my room when we got home and locked the door. Charlie came up twice to ask me if I wanted to eat, but left me alone. The only time I left my room that day was to use the bathroom.

The next morning I awoke to the sound of arguing. I crept to my door and cracked it open, listening. I was shocked to hear my mom’s voice, realizing she must’ve hopped on a plane the moment Charlie called her.

They were arguing over what to do about me. Charlie mentioned a hospital, and Renee freaked out and yelled that he was being ridiculous. Charlie explained to her how I’d been acting and Renee still seemed in denial, but I could tell he was bringing her onto his side. Charlie was worried about me and suggested that he thought I might have voluntarily taken the drug. Upon this, I heard Renee begrudgingly agree that it was possible and that maybe Charlie was right.

I closed the door, panic setting in. I needed to do something to convince them I was fine. I couldn’t let them send me away--I couldn’t leave.

I opened my door again, this time purposely making noise to alert them to my presence. They stopped talking and looked at the stairs as I walked down them. I smiled at my parents and pulled Renee into a hug, telling her I missed her and loved her. They were both dumbfounded by my sudden appearance and behavior.

And so I lied. I said whatever I had to say to convince them I was fine. I denied knowledge of anything, claimed I did drink a few friends’ drinks but couldn’t recall whose it was. Charlie started asking questions about the party that I didn’t want to answer, going into police chief mode, so I quickly reminded him that the only reason I’d gone in the first place was because he had insisted.

That seemed to placate them. Renee left to go back to Florida and all talk of hospitalizing me stopped. We fell back into our usual pattern and for a while everything seemed fine. A few people at school questioned what happened to me but I never answered them. I would catch Tyler watching me, a look of dread crossing his face every time I caught his eye. He knew I knew, and he was afraid.

In a sick sort of way, I wasn’t mad at Tyler. I was disgusted that he’d drugged me and definitely shocked, but I wasn’t mad. I couldn’t be mad. Even though I knew it wasn’t real, Tyler had inadvertently caused me to see Edward again. He had given me what I had strived for again… and that moment with Edward was what kept me going through the days. I couldn’t be mad at that.

I knew it wouldn’t last forever, though. The memory of the hallucination faded, and Edward’s image once again dulled. The pain crept back up and I felt as if I had lost him all over again.

Charlie must’ve noticed, because he grew suspicious of me. I knew it wouldn’t be long before hinting of hospitalization started up again. A part of me recognized that I did need professional help, that this wasn’t something I could deal with on my own, but a bigger part of me wasn’t ready or willing to let go and admit defeat.

So one afternoon after school, I didn’t drive straight home as usual. I passed by our street and towards the other side of town. I parked along the curb and approached a small brick house. Before I could stop and really think about what I was doing, I knocked on the door. It opened after a moment and Tyler stood in the doorway, gaping at me.

Confusion and intrigue crossed his features at the sight of me, before fear set in. He stammered a greeting, his eyes scanning our surroundings quickly.

“We need to talk, Tyler.”

He nodded hesitantly and motioned for me to come inside. I stepped into the living room and sat down in a chair. He sat down across from me.

“What’s up Bella?” he asked, fighting to keep his voice from shaking. I stared at him for a moment, letting him sweat it out. He was rubbing the back of his neck absent-mindlessly, obviously nervous.

“What’s up, Tyler, is that you’ve got something I need.” He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“I have something you need?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes. The GHB. I need it.”

Hid eyes widened and he immediately started feigning innocence and ignorance but I cut him off abruptly.

“Look, let’s cut the crap. I’m not stupid. I know you did it but I’m not here to bust you. I haven’t told anyone and don’t intend to. But I need the GHB and I know you can get it for me. I’m not here to blackmail you or trick you, I just need your help.”

Tyler sat quietly, taking in what I said. I glanced at my watch, knowing I needed to get home to start dinner for Charlie. After the looks he had given me that morning, I wanted to do whatever I could to ward off his concern. I told Tyler to get back to me and got up and left.

Charlie and I ate dinner together and I even stuck around long enough to watch a sitcom with him. I retired up to my room around dusk and lay down in bed, staring at nothing in particular. I heard someone knock on the front door and ignored it, figuring it was someone for Charlie. I was caught off guard by the sound of my name being called.

I got out of bed and headed downstairs. Charlie motioned towards the front door and I walked to it. Tyler stood on the front lawn, rocking on his heels nervously with his hands in his pocket. I told Charlie I’d be back in a moment and stepped outside, closing the door behind me.

Tyler turned and looked at me. He studied me for a moment, finally sighing. He looked resigned.

“The cheapest I can get it for is $150 for a 16-ounce bottle. A dose is only a capful but I’d advise you to take less than that, considering a capful sent you into seizures.”

He watched me hesitantly, waiting for a reaction, but I merely nodded. “I can have the money for you tomorrow.”