Ch 5 - The Perfect Drug

I got my head but my head is unraveling
Can’t keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
You’re the only one that's understood

“The Perfect Drug” – Nine Inch Nails

I stood in my therapist’s office, staring at the calendar on the wall behind his desk. Dr. Nelson was eyeing me warily, I assume waiting for some type of reaction. I’d been living day-to-day, in the moment, not seeing the big picture and completely oblivious to time.

Today snuck up on me. It had been a week since I last had therapy and a month since my release into outpatient treatment. Dr. Nelson had a family emergency and was out of town all last week. He returned today and called this morning. It wasn’t our usual therapy day but he requested I meet him in his office for a session anyway. I obliged, figuring he just wanted to check in with me since it had been so long.

But now as I stood in his office, gazing at the calendar, I knew exactly why he insisted on seeing me today instead of waiting for our regular session tomorrow. It was February 14th—Valentine’s Day.

I sat down in the chair, folding my hands in my lap. I looked up, waiting for him to start. If he expected me to start spilling, he was in for some disappointment. He’d need to start this conversation.

He cleared his throat after a moment, obviously realizing I wasn’t going to make it easy on him.

“I know you realize what day today is and why I called you here but I think we should go back a bit to start off with and talk about what started the downward spiral.”

“I thought we already covered that. My boyfriend left me. End of Story,” I said sharply. He sighed.

“No, Edward leaving caused the breakdown and the initial catatonic state. Your dependency on him caused you to become reckless. As much as your father may want to point the finger at him for all of it, it’s unfair to blame Edward for what happened.”

I sighed and nodded, understanding. Truth was, I didn’t blame him for any of it. It was entirely my fault. I was weak and desperate, but the bottom line was I knew better. “I don’t blame him.”

He nodded. “Good. Now let’s talk about when and why things took a turn for the worst. You may have been seeking thrills, but you weren’t acting dangerously at the beginning. While wandering alone in the woods and riding motorcycles is reckless, they aren’t exactly rock bottom. We need to talk about rock bottom, when exactly did that line get crossed?”

“Um… I guess when Jake changed. We were still friends, I guess, but he wasn’t there to hold me together anymore.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“It hurt. I was selfish. I knew deep down I was just using Jake as a crutch, but he was the only thing holding me together. After our relationship changed, I became numb again. I started going out and seeking the adrenaline rushes without him and it worked for a while… but then it simply stopped. I guess you do something one too many times and it doesn’t hold that same spark anymore.”

He scribbled furiously on his notepad for a moment, nodding his head. “And so when those things just simply didn’t give you what you wanted, when they no longer helped you to remember Edward, what did you do?”

“I found something else that would.”

“So you basically went looking for trouble?”

I laughed dryly. “I’m afraid I don’t have to go looking for trouble, it always finds me. And this was no exception. The shit just landed right in my lap.”

“And I’m assuming it did the job? It helped you remember him.”

“Without a doubt, even better than before.”

“Did you have hallucinations?”

I sighed, closing my eyes. I knew at some point he was going to ask this and dreaded answering him. I had been diagnosed as having Catatonic episodes sparked by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and was afraid that the more I admitted on this subject, the deeper my diagnosis was going to go. I knew admitting to hallucinations was going to open up a wide range of possibilities… but I also had a feeling he already knew and lying was fruitless.

“Yes.”

“Can you recall the first time it was a true hallucination?”

I nodded. “A year ago today--Valentine’s Day. Charlie convinced me to go to a Valentine’s party someone I went to school with was having. He was already threatening to send me away again because of me slipping back into my state of numbness, so I agreed to go to humor him. It happened at the party.”

His expression told me he understood what I was referring to. They had my medical chart from Forks so they were well aware of what occurred Valentine’s Day of last year. They, of course, didn’t know the whole story. Only I did. But they knew enough to put some pieces together.

He paused for a moment, tapping his pen against the desk. He looked to be deep in thought, contemplating where the conversation was going to go next.

“Tell me about Lauren Mallory.”

I froze up. I refused to raise my head and look at him. I gazed down at my hands in my lap… they were balled into fists, what was left of my chewed up fingernails digging into the flesh of my palm.

“What about her?” I asked, my voice low and strained.

“Were you and her always friends?”

“No.” I paused, thinking over my encounters with Lauren. “She pretended to be my friend when I first arrived but it was in Lauren’s nature to be conniving. I guess she hated me because I got the guy.”

“So she wanted Edward?”

“Who didn’t?” I muttered.

“And so what happened when Edward left?”

“She was still the same old Lauren.”

He looked confused and jotted down a few notes. He glanced up at the clock, noticing our time was nearly up.

“We’ll pick back up on the subject of Valentine’s day tomorrow, but one more question about Lauren before you go. Did you go to her funeral?”

I looked up at him, surprised by his question. He should know the answer to the question; he’d very well know where I was at the time. I slowly shook my head no.

The alarm went off, signifying our time was over. I jumped up quickly and bolted out of the door before he could ask anything more.

I had initially planned on going up to the third floor for a while, but changed my mind. I wasn’t in the mood to be around people… I wanted to go crawl in a hole somewhere and block everything out.

I left the hospital quickly and ran home. The hole I still felt in my chest was prominent again, the sharp pains coming from it radiating down my torso and limbs. I barely made it through the front door of my apartment when I felt the bile rising up. I ran to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor, vomiting into the toilet.

I didn’t have much on my stomach, as I hadn’t had dinner yet, so dry heaves shook my body. After I felt the sickness subsiding, I laid my head down on the cold tile floor and closed my eyes. I took a in a few shaky deep breaths, trying to compose myself.

I don’t know how long I lay there conscious, but exhaustion took over. I felt physically weak and mentally spent. We’d only just started skimming the surface of my issues, and already it sent me into a spiral.

My body must’ve completely shut down, and sleep took over me, because before I knew it I was back in the fog and blackness. I could hear the giggling once again turning hysterical. I could feel the searing pain radiating down my spine. I was trapped; no matter what I did I couldn’t escape the pain. Blackness threatened to take over completely again as the screams finally stopped, and I once again felt myself being jolted.

The dream continued this time, didn’t end with me being jerked as it usually did. I felt myself being carried. It was cold out and I shivered, my teeth chattering and my body shaking. I still couldn’t see anything, couldn’t find my way out of the blackness. I was whimpering, sobbing. Confusion and pain took over me and I slipped away from consciousness.

I woke up some time later, sitting up suddenly. The apartment was encased it total darkness, immediately confusing me.

I had expected to find myself stiff, my body aching from lying on the cold bathroom floor, but I wasn’t. I looked around and realized I wasn’t in the bathroom anymore--I was in bed. I couldn’t recall ever getting up and moving, but I glanced at the clock and realized that it was nearly 3am--meaning ten hours has passed since I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t recall much of anything that happened since coming in and realized in my haze I must’ve forced myself up and into the bedroom.

I lay back down but mentally was wide-awake. I stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to shut my mind back off so I could get a few more hours of sleep. The sound of my stomach growling echoed through the room after a few moments and I laughed at the loudness. I had skipped dinner last night and was paying for it. I begrudgingly got up and walked into the kitchen, scanning the cabinets. I pulled out a box of lucky charms and grabbed the milk, pouring myself a bowl of cereal. Lucky Charms seemed fitting… I knew my therapy session today was going to be intolerable and I’d need a bit of luck to make it through.