Ch 22 - Uncertainty

Uncertainty is killing me
And I'm certainly not asleep
Maybe I've gone far too deep
Maybe I'm just far too weak
And that's the last place
I want to be the last place

“Uncertainty” – The Fray

Edward POV

I’ll never forget the feeling I had that day—the utter dread and devastation that rocked through me. They say love is the only thing that can change my kind, but I disagree. I changed that day; I’ll never be the same.

I was in Canada. The family was up in Alaska with the Denali clan but I couldn’t bear to join them. I was suffering a self-imposed prison sentence, locked away in a room in isolation. I’d traveled to South America after leaving Forks, telling myself I’d make up for leaving Bella by tracking down Victoria and destroying her to ensure Bella’s safety from my world. But that was fruitless, because I wasn’t a very good tracker. She evaded me easily. So I traveled back up north, part of me screaming to return to Forks to at least see Bella, check on her. I trusted she’d take care of herself and wouldn’t do anything stupid but part of me needed to see. Needed to know for sure.

But I ignored that part of me, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. I could’ve saved the entire town a lot of heartache if I simply would’ve stopped in the area and took a look. I could’ve spared Bella so much hurt. But I didn’t. I bypassed the area completely and went to Canada, locking myself away to wallow in self-pity.

And it was in that room where I got the phone call. I usually ignored it when my family called, but I saw that it was Alice and something inside struck me that this was important. I’d had the feeling all day that something just wasn’t right but chalked it up to me losing my grip on things. But the moment I saw Alice was calling, I just knew—something was horribly wrong.

She was sobbing, apologizing. Said she saw a vision of Bella and that there was an accident. That the accident hadn’t happened yet—it was still about 15 minutes away—but that she couldn’t get a hold of Bella to warn her. My sister was frantic. Bella was going to die.

My Bella had a mere 15 minutes left to live, and there was nothing I could do to stop the chain of events.

I lost it, my mind frantically running through so many options. I took off running, hitting Washington in a matter of minutes since I was right over the border. I didn’t know where I was going, Forks maybe, even though there was nothing left for me there. There was nothing left for me anywhere. I couldn’t survive in this world if she wasn’t also living in it. The only reason I still survived is because she did. I thought about running to Forks and provoking the wolves. I thought about ways to provoke the Volturi--anything to end my misery.

Alice called me moments later and I ignored it, figuring she was picking up on my indecision and was worried about my survival. But she was persistent. When Carlisle called me after Alice’s half dozen attempts, I answered. He deserved a goodbye. He was my father, my maker. He gave me the life I was about to throw away. I needed to apologize and implore him to understand. But when he told me the future shifted, I faltered. He said he’d involved the wolves and that infuriated me at first, until he explained that it was because of them that Bella would survive the accident. He said she’d be transferred to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, so without a second thought that’s where I went.

And what I found there rocked me to the core. That wasn’t my Bella. My Bella was so full of life, so loving and pure and innocent. This Bella was a shell--broken in every sense of the word. Physically she was in shambles, but also mentally. I had destroyed her. She was numb, catatonic, and unresponsive. The happiness she radiated was gone, the light in her eyes burned out.

There would be a flicker of that light every time I walked in her room, but never enough. I knew she knew I was there, but my presence did nothing to heal her. She saw me but it didn’t register. She was too far gone, I’d hurt her too much.

Carlisle came to the hospital to check on her. I knew everything I needed to know… I heard her doctor’s thoughts so I knew what went through his mind. I knew her chart in and out, memorized it with one glance. I saw her medical records from Forks; I saw the drug overdose 6 weeks prior and the head injury she went in with not too long ago. Bella was clumsy but that injury was more than some simple accident. Bella had gotten herself in deep. No one I encountered knew why but there was speculation. Charlie blamed me, his thoughts telling me she hadn’t been the same since I left. I was completely shocked and devastated, seeing Bella the past few months through Charlie’s mind. The lying and the stealing, the suspected drug use and the mysterious injuries. I saw the scene in the bathroom with the shattered mirror and blood that coincided with Bella’s head wound. I wasn’t an expert but I had two medical degrees and knew enough about GHB to know that Bella had taken a lot of it. Her lab work confirmed that she had it in her system when she was brought in, a fairly large amount at that. The tox screen also picked up small amounts of percocet, marijuana, and cocaine.

Why she did it, I had no idea. I couldn’t imagine what would drive her to even try drugs. I, of course, found out much later that it had been all about me. I had been the cause of her downfall. Even miles away I managed to ruin her life.

Carlisle sat me down one afternoon and implored me to listen to him and understand. He told me Bella was very sick and that I couldn’t fix her. He knew me well enough to know I wanted to run right in and try to fix all of her problems, make it all better for her. But according to Carlisle, anything I did would be like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound… she needed some serious medical intervention before I could ever even consider showing back up in her life. She needed to heal herself; she couldn’t use me as a crutch to hold herself together.

So I held back the best I could. I refused to stay too far away, always lingering around. I popped in and out during the duration of her stay at Harborview. I made sure she had the best lawyer possible, no matter the cost, to ensure she got the help she needed. And while institutionalized, I was never far away. I lingered around, making sure she never saw me or sensed me, but I couldn’t help it. I even snuck into the hospital once using forged documents towards the end of her stay, but it hadn’t been easy and I never tried it again out of fear of getting caught. I monitored her treatment and she healed physically and her mental state stabilized, but she wasn’t healing emotionally. She was still a shell.

After she was released it was even harder to stay away and keep my distance. I showed up at her work and watched her when she left her apartment. A few times I slipped up and did things that alerted her to my presence, wanting her to know I was there for her, that I hadn’t completely abandoned her. I snuck into her apartment and watched her sleep and was devastated by the nightmares she had. She truly was still a mess. I picked her up off of the floor one time and carried her to bed. She had a habit of leaving her keys in the door and forgetting to shut it and lock it when she went to sleep. It was wrong of me, but I stole her keys one night to have a copy made just in case, so I could come and go undetected. Carlisle wasn’t happy about any of that, said it was way too early for me to do anything of that nature.

And I did the most shameful thing of all… I lingered near the hospital and listened to her therapy sessions. The things I learned shocked and horrified me. I couldn’t be for certain where she was holding back but what she did tell was confounding. I was stunned that she had hallucinations of me and that’s why she continued taking the drugs. That she had lied and stolen because she was so desperate to have me in her life, and that she couldn’t even say my name without falling to pieces. That tore me apart.

It also eventually made me realize what I had likely been doing to her by following her. I knew she knew I was there. When I’d saved her from falling, she thanked me. She figured it out.

That’s why I eventually showed myself to her. I sat outside of her apartment for a few hours one day after she arrived home from work, debating whether or not to go knock on her door. I didn’t want her to think she was going crazy, I needed to let her know that I really was there. But when her friend showed up and I gathered from her thoughts that her and Bella were double dating, I bolted.

To say that didn’t devastate me would be a lie. The thought of Bella out on a date with another guy tore me up, I was enraged with jealousy and wanted to tear the guy to shreds. Like a possessive fool I followed them and couldn’t figure out what Bella saw in the guy. She was smiling and being pleasant to him, but he was completely vulgar in his mind and had not an ounce of intelligence. I wanted to believe she was simply humoring them but I couldn’t read her thoughts, so I couldn’t know for sure.

So being the possessive selfish creature I am, I stood in front of her and stared. I knew my posture was rigid because I was fighting the urge to go scoop Bella up and just run off with her like some barbarian caveman. But inside, I was in pain. Completely heartbroken. As I watched her, I could see the look in her eyes. I could see that despite the outward cheery appearance, she was hurting inside like me. And when she looked up and saw me, that flicker was back. But it died just as quick as it came and the pain reemerged. There was panic in her eyes and it confused me. Was she afraid of me? Did my presence just hurt her more? I panicked when she approached, wondering if Carlisle was right. It was way too soon--she wasn’t ready. So I fled. I ran away like a coward, not taking into account at the time that that panic was likely caused by the fact that she had hallucinated me so many times that she would obviously question whether or not I was real.

I tried to stay away, I really did. But I caved. I showed up at her apartment and her job and she was nowhere to be found. I snuck into her apartment with the key I had made and found a letter laying on the couch stating Charlie had a heart attack I realized at that point that she had gone to Forks.

And I knew how hard Forks was going to be for her.

Carlisle was not happy when I showed up at first… he mentally scolded me for not telling him the entirety of Bella’s situation. I kept the fact that she hallucinated me a secret… no one besides her therapist and friend Denise knew about it so Carlisle wouldn’t have gotten that from her chart. Bella told him.

He still wasn’t entirely sure it was the best choice but he didn’t fight my decision to go up to my room where Bella was sleeping. I inhaled deeply when I opened the door, her scent lingering throughout the room. The sight of her was amazing; lying there sprawled out on my bed. She had the blanket kicked off and I was stunned to see her wearing nothing but one of my shirts. I had to smile—it was my favorite. I rarely wore it anymore, occasionally to hunt—Alice threatened to throw it away so many times because of how old it was. I hadn’t much enjoyed Woodstock as I wasn’t a fan of the music of the time, but Emmett had dragged me along. I liked the idea of it, peace in the middle of chaotic times. I think that’s why I was so attached to the shirt. I couldn’t care less about the historical nature of it. I cared more of the concept that when war is brewing and everything is out of control, people can still come together in harmony. Bella was like my Woodstock, my moment of peace and love in the middle of a world spiraling out of control.

That was the most I’d ever seen of Bella—the shirt had ridden up and exposed a sliver of the material of her underwear. I could see her bra on the floor and electricity shot through me. I felt perverted, ogling her and getting aroused, and as much as I didn’t want to stop looking I knew I should. I pulled the blanket back up over her to cover her up and sat down across the room.

She dreamed of the accident again—I could always tell when she did because she’d cry out and say Lauren’s name. She woke up in the middle of the night and saw me. I had no idea what to say or do so I said the first thing that came to my head—that she still talked in her sleep. She blushed—it was the first time I’d seen her do it since I left her. She tried to cover it up but I stopped her. I needed to see it. She fell back asleep after I reassured her that I wouldn’t disappear again. I left the room and spoke with Carlisle for a while, until I sensed her awake again. I went back upstairs and saw her standing in front of the window, gazing out in the backyard. She was utterly breathtaking and I told her so.

We spoke for a moment and she called me out on paying her restitution and for her lawyer. I pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about but Bella was smart. There was no fooling her. Before I could realize it, I blurted out that I still loved her. The look on her face, the fear and panic, hurt me. She was still hurting and I couldn’t tell if she even believed me. I had to leave for a moment to collect myself, letting her get dressed. When I returned she told me she loved me, and the hope that swept through me set me on fire. But that fire was extinguished quickly when her phone rang and the fear and panic returned.

When she said it wasn’t me, realization dawned. She had thought I was the one calling her. I knew about the calls but she didn’t know I knew. I wanted her to tell me about them, but she didn’t. She changed the subject and avoided it. I should’ve known Bella would’ve assumed it was me calling. I couldn’t figure out why she kept answering the calls but now I understood.

Carlisle and I had spoken about her mysterious phone calls a few times, but it wasn’t until someone sent a phone to her apartment that I started getting really concerned. It was one thing for them to get a hold of her phone number but another for them to have her address.

We weren’t completely sure who it was calling her… I checked her phone occasionally when she slept and I snuck in her apartment and often read the texts they exchanged. Carlisle and I had checked out a lot of the people in Forks, unable to pinpoint the number as belonging to any of them. I had a theory--one that Carlisle agreed was plausible. He had another thought of who it could be and I understood why he’d think that, but I wasn’t convinced. I truly hoped I was wrong and he was right, because if my theory proved correct Bella was in more danger than I originally thought.

Because the truth was, Bella was in danger.

I desperately wanted to follow Bella to her fathers house but couldn’t because of the sun. I watched her leave, hesitantly letting her go, but knew she had to face it. When the sun set, I left the house and headed to where Charlie lived. None of us knew if Bella was coming back and I needed to see her again.

I smelled him as soon as I hit Charlie’s street. He was railing on Bella for smelling like me, telling her he should’ve let her burn to death. The anger in me boiled over and I couldn’t contain myself. I growled instinctively and confronted him. He was just as angry, fighting hard against his instinct to phase and attack. His thoughts were taunting me, mocking me, trying to edge me on. Bella was afraid and I felt ashamed when I glanced at her, but Jacob’s thoughts were too much for me to ignore. I wanted to rip him to shreds. I was worried about Bella but she backed away from Jacob, obviously aware of what the shaking indicated.

Carlisle and Sam held both of us off, and before I realized what was going on Bella was starting her car up. I realized she must’ve been frightened, seeing the exchange, and started toward the car to stop her. She almost hit me as she swung the car around but I jumped out of the way. She wouldn’t have hurt me but I knew she’d feel bad and regret it none-the-less if she did. I know I dented the top of her car when I landed on it before leaping off… she didn’t stop though; she spun her tires and took off.

Carlisle tried to stop me and delayed me for a while, but I had to go after her. I couldn’t let her leave like that. I drove by her apartment first and her car wasn’t there. I swung by the hospital and saw it parked crookedly in the lot. She’d arrived in a hurry.

I parked the Volvo and got out. Bella was sitting in the front, near the door. She was a mess, sobbing and rocking. It was devastating to see—I had broken her again. All of the progress she made had come crashing down because of me. My heart broke for her, for what she must’ve been feeling. She spotted me and I fled.

I didn’t go far. I could still hear inside the building. Bella was pleading with them to let her go, that she had to find me, but they weren’t listening. They thought she was delusional, wondering if she were back on drugs. Bella was fighting them and they were sedating her. I was shaking, wanting nothing more than to burst through the front doors and rescue her, but I couldn’t. Bella needed to be there, it was the safest place for her.

Because if I learned anything from the hostile exchange with Jacob, it was that Carlisle was wrong about the phone calls. And that meant that Bella’s life was on the line and I had to protect her. Before I could do that, I needed to regroup. And that would take me a few days.