Ch 63 - Everywhere

I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

“Everywhere” – Michelle Branch

Numb. Again. Fucking Numb. I was back to where I started, back at square one.

I was lying down on the white ground, staring up at the white sky. I felt nothing at all, couldn’t even feel the ground beneath me. It was foggy, hazy, reminded me of what it would be like to mingle amongst the clouds. But surely not cloud 9, because being on cloud 9 would indicate I was happy—elated even.

And happy I was not… because I was numb.

Who knows how long I’ve been here or how much longer I’d be in this state, but I hoped it ended soon. I had so much out there waiting for me, so many reasons to be happy. And I should be happy—I had Edward. After he left me that day in the woods, I truly never thought I’d see him again. Edward is a complicated creature, with his overreaction and over thinking and stubbornness. He isn’t the type of person just to say something for the sake of saying it. When he speaks, even when he’s saying something completely absurd, you know he’s put thought into it. And he surely doesn’t come to decisions lightly.

So when he spoke those words in the woods that day, as much as I didn’t want to, I believe him. I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me, he had said. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.

I clung to the memory of him in my head because I thought for sure once it faded he’d be gone for good. And even back then I knew I couldn’t live without him. I knew from the very beginning that we were soul mates, that we were destined to be together. I didn’t completely realize it but deep down I knew. I felt it. A part of myself had been missing and it wasn’t until he came into my life that I had finally been whole. And when he had said those words, that it would be like he never existed, I panicked.

Because if he didn’t exist, than neither did I. And I desperately wanted to.

I finally truly felt alive again when Edward came back into my life. And I loved him, God did I love him. I never imagined I’d feel such a powerful emotion before, never believed it possible. But the love I have for Edward is all consuming, overpowering. It’s the type of love that makes you dizzy, takes your breath away and makes you forget your own name.

But like the rock star Jim Morrison said—Love cannot save you from your own fate. Because evidently being here was part of my fate. I’ve found myself here twice now--history repeated itself. And the love I felt for Edward, no matter how powerful it was, couldn’t save me from the numbness.

But, oh how I missed it. How I missed feeling. How I missed living.

The haziness grew as time passed, my visibility decreasing. It wasn’t as if there was anything here for me to see, though. As time went on the silence distorted, muffled faint sounds creeping through. It sounded like the faint whistle of the wind at first before morphing into voices. It was only tones and tenors for a while, no audible words. But it was there and I clung to it, strained to hear it and make it out. Because I felt completely abandoned and I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. Needed to know that I hadn’t been forgotten.

I had been doing a lot of thinking, remembering. There wasn’t much else to do. I thought about everything that happened that led me here. Thought about the things I experienced, the mistakes I made. Thought about the good times and the bad.

And I thought a lot about what people said to me. Dr. Nelson had always had a plethora of knowledge to dispense, especially at the end when he cut straight to the core of the problem and called me out on my fear of abandonment. He had told me that Edward and I could be okay, if Edward would be patient and understanding. I could only hope that Edward was out there, doing just that. I needed his patience and understanding more right now than ever before.

The Lauren of my subconscious was quite insightful also, with all of her talk about fate. I gave the topic a lot of thought, trying to make sense of it all. I understood it but yet it had me completely baffled at the same time. What exactly was my fate? Was this it? Was I destined to be trapped in my mind, locked away from everyone and everything I love? Was this punishment, karma? Or was this just another stop on the highway, leading me to my ultimate destination? If so, what is that destination? Where do I belong?

I knew where I felt I belonged and that was with Edward. But Lauren also raised the point that it didn’t matter what we wanted or planned, what’s meant to be will be, so just because I felt like I belonged with Edward didn’t mean that’s where I’d end up.

I remember back in high school, when I was constantly finding myself in sticky situations and Edward had to save me, him and I had a conversation about how he was fighting fate trying to keep me alive. Your number was up the first time I met you, he had said. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that were true. Maybe we’d just been fighting the inevitable. The Lauren of my imagination would chime in now and remind me, once again, that when you gotta go you gotta go, no matter what you try to do to stop it.

But I prayed. God, did I pray that was wrong. I wasn’t ready for the story of my life to be complete. I wasn’t ready to be at the end.

It pains me to admit that I knew very little about the real Lauren Mallory. She was harsh at times, aloof toward me, so I never got to crack her exterior and see what type of person she truly was. She couldn’t have been that bad, there had to have been good qualities about her also. But I never got the chance to see them, honestly never really tried. And I regret that, regret never getting to really know her. At the time of her death, I felt nothing but intense annoyance about her existence. That wasn’t fair, she didn’t deserve that.

The muffled sounds around me were growing louder; I could almost make out what was being said, random words coming to me. The voices seemed so familiar but were so clouded by everything that I couldn’t sort it out. I closed my eyes and strained my ears, trying to place them.

The fog started growing heavier, I could almost feel it. The air was thicker, heavier as I breathed it in. There was no pain, nothing but numbness, but it was slightly uncomfortable, unnatural.

“Stay strong sweetheart,” a voice said, barely audible. It wasn’t as velvety as the one I longed to hear but it was familiar, comforting.

I opened my eyes and furrowed my brow. The whiteness was disappearing, being taken over by gray. It looked like twilight and reminded me of a conversation I once had with Edward. It’s the safest time of day for us. The easiest time, he had said. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?

Was this my twilight? Was this all coming to an end now, as inevitably it eventually had to?

It’s amazing the things you can pluck from your memory when you’re trapped inside your mind.

I felt a tingle in my chest, originating at my heart, and gasped as it strengthened, radiating out and down through my body. It was a sensation I was familiar with, a feeling I longed for. It was when our souls connected, when we were complete again. That feeling could only mean one thing.

“Edward,” I said softly, smiling. I couldn’t see him but I could feel him. He was there, out there somewhere. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I felt my heart soar at the sound of his voice. Somehow he’d heard me, somehow he understood.

Edward’s voice came to me again but it was fragmented, fuzzy. The fog was getting thicker, too thick for his words to filter through. The grayness was darkening quickly, turning to black. I forced myself up off of the ground, my entire body alive with electricity. I glanced around quickly, swinging in a circle. I squinted my eyes, confused, trying to make anything out.

It only took a moment before the blackness took over completely, leaving me in the dark. The tingling in my system dulled before disappearing entirely. I closed my eyes and sighed.

Numb again.

The air thinned, cleared. It was still black but it was as if it were void of everything. I felt light, weightless like I was floating in air. I could clearly see myself but I felt transparent, empty, barely there. There was no blood rushing through my veins, no air entering my lungs. I felt like an apparition, a hallucination.

I glanced around and squinted, seeing a faint light off in the distance. I started walking towards it, mesmerized by the fluidity of my steps. It reminded me of how Alice walked, the graceful almost dance-like quality of her movements.

Was this what it was like to be an immortal? To not be tied down by the laws of physics, to not have to rely on the human physiology? Was it like being a ghost?

The more I walked, the lighter it got. My senses were returning to me. I could make out colors and shapes, could smell damp grass and feel a gentle breeze against my neck. I could hear a bird chirping in the distance, the sound of a stream running. I walked on, until it was bright enough to start making out my surroundings. I was on an old road, so worn that the yellow lines down the center could barely be made out. I was surrounded by nothing but green—trees and shrubs and grass. The entire area was overgrown.

I glanced around and froze abruptly, my eyes falling upon a narrow almost hidden path cutting through the trees. I recognized it instantly, had been down it more times than I could count. It was the path leading to the Cullen’s house.

“How the fuck did I get here?” I asked incredulously, my face scrunched up with confusion.

A light airy chuckle came from nearby, startling me. I jumped and swung my head around to see a woman in a white dress. The dress was long and classy, but at the same time simple. She was beautiful, her skin pale and her features soft. I’d never seen her before that I could recall but there was something familiar about her, something comforting that made me smile lightly. I stared at her for a moment, taking her in. She was radiant, had a glow about her that was almost angelic, I thought.

My smile fell immediately as that thought struck me. “Am I dead?!” I asked cautiously.

She smiled and nodded after a moment. “Yes, Bella,” she said softly. Her voice was melodic, sweet.

I blinked a few times, trying to absorb the information. I died?! After a moment I glanced around, trying to come to grips with it.

“Why does Heaven look like Forks?” I asked incredulously. She chuckled again.

“Oh, no, this isn’t Heaven,” she said. “We’re really in Forks.”

She was quiet for a moment. I was a bit taken back by the way she was looking at me. Her expression was full of love, compassion. She looked at me as if she cared for me, as if I meant something to her and not like we were strangers.

“Are you my guardian angel or something?” I asked.

She smiled. “We don’t call ourselves that, but I guess you could say so. I have been watching over you. You actually don’t know how much it means to me to be meeting you, I’ve waited a long time for this.”

I nodded once, not understanding at all but not wanting to be rude. I was completely lost, had no idea what was going on. Evidently I passed away, my soul still lingering around Forks with an angel who knew me.

“I imagine you’re confused,” she said softly. I nodded, biting on my bottom lip nervously.

“Why am I still in Forks?” I asked.

“It’s just where I chose to meet you. I figured it would be more comfortable to greet you here.”

I nodded; I did feel slightly comforted to be in familiar territory. “So is this like your job? To break it to people that they’re dead? That must be a blast," I said, my natural defense to slip into sarcasm because of my shock.

She laughed. “It’s not exactly a job, Bella. I volunteered a long time ago to keep an eye on you. I had to let everything play out as it should so I couldn’t exactly intervene, but I was there to nudge you in the right direct when you needed it. We all have someone watching over us.”

I nodded. “Do I get to go to Heaven?” I asked hesitantly.

She smiled sadly. “If that’s what you really want, yes. You can go whichever way. The choice is entirely yours right now.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “I’m sure it’s better than the alternate,” I said. “I mean, who would actually choose to go to Hell?”

She laughed. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean it that way! You’d never go there, Bella, you’ve never done anything to warrant that.”

I frowned lightly. “I’ve killed,” I whispered.

“Not intentionally,” she said sharply, in a motherly tone. My eyes widened in surprise at her sudden shift from being soft spoken to firm. “No one holds that against you, you know. Lauren is happy, she’s where she’s supposed to be.”

“That’s not all I’ve done, though. I’ve lied and ruined lives.”

She smiled, sighing. “Forgiven.”

“I did drugs. I stole from people,” I muttered, looking down at the ground and kicking the gravel nervously.

“Forgiven, again. You’re forgiven for the premarital sex also,” she said playfully.

My head shot up to look at her and if I still had blood pumping in my veins, I’d have been blushing scarlet. My eyes were wide and she smiled, looking amused.

“Any other sins you’d like to confess to, while we’re at it?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Does consorting with vampires count?”

She laughed loudly. “I’m afraid not Bella. Supernatural beings are treated just like the rest of us, judged by our intentions. It isn’t often vampires make it to this stage, of course, but they’re not automatically damned. Their souls are treated the same as ours.”

I smiled. “I told him he had a soul.”

She nodded. “Yes, he indeed does.”

I opened up my mouth to speak again when a strong shock of electricity jolted through me. “Edward,” I gasped and grabbed my chest, my eyes wide with shock.

She laughed lightly and nodded. “Yes, that’s him.” I glanced at her, utter devastation rocking through me. Up until that moment the fact that me being dead meant I wouldn’t have Edward anymore hadn’t struck me. How was I going to do this? How would I survive without him? They could call it heaven all they wanted, but I’d never be in peace there. It would never truly be heaven to me without him.

“How?” I asked, confused as to how I could feel him.

She smiled sadly. “You didn’t think my son would let you go that easily, did you?”

My eyes widened in surprise as I gaped at her. Her son?! I took note of her red-tinted hair and facial features and sparkling green eyes. I gasped and she smiled.

“Yes, Edward is my son, my only child,” she said softly.

“Elizabeth Masen,” I whispered, staring at her with wonder. Carlisle had told me about Edward’s mother, how she had ruined her own chances of living by using all of her strength to try to nurse Edward when he got sick. I felt so much love and gratitude for this woman. She had given Edward to me. She created him and nurtured him, molding him into the person he was. And when it came down to it she gave up her own life, so that he could continue to live.

She nodded. “I don’t at all regret asking Dr. Cullen to spare Edward. I wasn’t exactly sure of what Dr. Cullen was, but I knew he was different. I knew there was something supernatural about him. I went to the market one day and passed Dr. Cullen’s residence. I took a shortcut through his neighbors yard and when I did, I glanced over and caught sight of him in the window. His skin was sparkling in the sunlight coming in his window. He appeared magical. So when my Edward got sick, and was dying, I knew Dr. Cullen was the only one who could save him. Dr. Cullen had the magic to.”

She paused and smiled. “I’ve watched Edward since my death and he’s made me immensely proud with everything he’s done. He’s made mistakes, of course, but we all have. I visit him from time to time, you know, although he doesn’t see me he does sense me. He doesn’t understand it though. Edward is a lot like he was as a human. He’s a bit more temperamental now, of course, but all of the goodness is still there. He’s been unhappy for a long time, felt like he was alone in the world, but that all changed when you came along.”

“Is that why you chose me? Why you watched me?” I asked.

She smiled, nodding. “I knew his happiness would come one day. I knew you were destined to change his life the day you were created. Your souls were cut from the same mold, contain the same energies. You were made for each other. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to watch it play out.”

I closed my eyes and smiled. I knew we were soul mates.

I felt another jolt of electricity shoot through me and gasped, my eyes flying open. Elizabeth was eyeing me intently.

I heard a faint growl behind me and swung around, peering into the darkness.

“He’s not very happy,” Elizabeth said softly. I nodded, frowning.

“Will he… be okay?” I asked hesitantly, concerned. I was worried about how he was going to get along without me, worried he’d do something stupid.

She sighed. “It’s hard to say. It really depends on what you decide.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “What I decide?” I asked.

She nodded. “I told you the choice was still yours, that you could go either way.”

My eyes widened in shock “You mean I don’t have to die?!”

She frowned. “No, death is necessary. You can’t live; your heart can’t survive and continue to beat. Your fate is eternal life, that’s the cards you’ve been dealt. But how you play those cards is what matters.”

“What are you saying?” I asked with confusion. She smiled compassionately.

“I’m saying you have a choice. If you want, you can come with me. You’ll be reunited with your grandparents, and someday your parents will join you, and you’ll spend the rest of eternity in Heaven. Or you can choose the other form of eternal life. You can turn around and run as fast as you can back into that darkness and back to my son. You’ll have to fight with every ounce of strength you can muster and hold on as hard as you can to buy him enough time to change you. It won’t be easy, Bella. If you come with me, you’ll never have to feel anything like it again, but if you choose Edward you’re going to have to live through the pain. It’s going to be excruciating, the worst thing you’ve ever had to endure. The choice is yours. But you’re running out of time, if you don’t decide soon the decision will be made for you. If you don’t go now, it’ll be too late.”

I stared at her for a moment, a swell of different emotions shooting through me. I felt another jolt of electricity shoot through me and I grabbed my chest, gasping.

“Can’t I have both?” I asked desperately, knowing it was ridiculous and selfish of me to want it all. Elizabeth smiled sadly and shook her head.

“Please Bella, please stay with me.” His velvet voice came faintly behind me from the darkness. Elizabeth smiled, closing her eyes and sighing at the sound of her son’s voice. “Choose me. I’ll never leave you, so please don’t leave me. I need you!”

Before he even finished the words I took off sprinting, running as fast as my legs would carry me back into the darkness. I heard Elizabeth’s faint voice behind me, wishing me good luck. As soon as I hit the darkness, I felt another jolt of electricity rock through me, stronger than that last. I collapsed, hitting the ground hard. I looked over and squinted, faintly making out a form—Lauren.

“What did I tell you, Swan? What’s meant to be will be,” she said with a shrug before disappearing into the darkness.

I closed my eyes as my body started to tingle. I could faintly make out Edward’s voice in the distance and strained my ears, fighting to hear him. “Forever,” he whispered.

The second the word registered, the most intense excruciating burning I’d ever felt ripped through my chest. My back arched off of the ground and I gasped.

The same burning shot through my neck and down my spine, into my head. I wanted to scream, wanted to stop it. I’d never imagined pain like this. I’d been infected with venom before from James, but this was ten times worse. This felt like it was eating me from the inside out; it was consuming my flesh and tearing me to shreds. The pain shot through my stomach and down my legs.

Every inch of me felt like it was on fire, every part of me throbbing. It was agonizing, complete torture. I wanted to scream out, wanting to beg for it to stop but I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk, I could move.

The pain was constant, intensifying every minute. I had no sense of time, every second felt like an eternity. I lay there and endured it, fought with everything I had. I tried to focus my thoughts on Edward, trying to ignore everything else. I was here for Edward; I was doing this so I could be with him. He was my life.

I don’t know if it were minutes, or hours, or days but eventually the pain started receding from my limbs. I thought maybe it was finally ending, that it was finally over, but much to my dismay the burning in my chest intensified even more.

I lay there and endured, I look every ounce of pain with vigor. I was strong--I was a survivor. I’d survive this.

Sometime later my heart started racing. It made my chest throb with pain, my entire body aching and stinging. The burning in my heart was outrageous, so intense I wished someone would reach in my chest and pull it out to make it stop. My heart beat so fast and hurt so bad I swore it was going to explode.

The single worst pain I’d ever experienced ripped through my heart. It beat once more and stopped, the pain ceasing immediately. Everything was completely silent, everything completely dark as I lay still. I hesitated briefly, a little bewildered, before slowly opening my eyes.

The familiar set of golden eyes greeted me at once. They were smoldering, liquid gold. There were a plethora of emotions present in them, most of all love.

I didn’t care about anything else. Nothing in the world mattered to me at that moment, except for those eyes. Those eyes were the windows to the most beautiful soul I’d ever encountered. It no longer mattered what we’d been through, the mistakes we made no longer important. Neither of us was perfect, but together we made perfection.

I knew, looking into those eyes, that I’d never be alone. That my life was now complete. He’d be by my side for all of eternity, never would I have to worry about him abandoning me. Because we were two parts of one whole, without each other we were nothing.

We were fate.

And because of that, I’d never again be numb.