Ch 59 - Numbness

Just breathe in the air
But don’t be afraid
There's a time for us to make
Sense of all this pain
Sense of all this pain

“Numbness” – The Verve

Edward POV

I’ve been in this tiny dim waiting room for an hour now, pacing frantically. I knew I looked deranged and disturbed so no one dared approach me, although I’d gathered the attention of quite a few people. Security was eyeing me closely, thinking I was a ticking time bomb about to go off. They knew I’d come in with a woman with a gunshot wound and were afraid of what my reaction was going to be if she didn’t make it.

I didn’t blame them, I’d be worried to. Because the fact of the matter was, without Bella I had nothing. Without Bella I was nothing. If she were to die, there’s no telling what I’d do. My reason for existing would be gone.

They set to work on Bella the moment we arrived. I was never more thankful for my gift than I was at this moment, having the benefit of listening to what her doctors were doing and thinking. I’d snap if I were left in the dark, clueless. Waiting was excruciating as it was, not knowing anything that was going on would’ve destroyed me.

The door to the waiting room opened and I glanced up, my eyes meeting a familiar set of golden eyes. They were saddened, concerned.

How is she? Carlisle asked silently, hesitantly. I sighed and continued pacing.

“It’s serious, very serious.”

Carlisle nodded, closing the door behind him. He approached, frowning. “You should go wash the blood off of you, it can’t be helping your ability to stay calm.”

I glanced down, noticing my chest was still bare and splattered with Bella’s blood. I sighed and nodded, heading for the bathroom. I grabbed some paper towels and wet them, washing as much blood off of myself as I could. I glanced into the mirror and groaned. I had blood streaked on my face and my eyes were pitch black—it’s no wonder everyone feared me snapping.

I finished washing up and walked back out. Carlisle handed me a scrub top—I had no idea where he’d gotten it and I really didn’t care, but I was thankful for his rational thinking. I couldn’t put on a good façade right now, couldn’t fake it. He walked across the room and sat down in the corner. I followed, sitting down beside him. I ran my fingers through my hair, grasping some locks and tugging from frustration. It didn’t hurt but it was relieving some of the tension that was building up inside of me.

“Tell me what you know,” Carlisle said after a moment. I took a deep breath and shook my head.

“. 357 Magnum, one bullet straight through center of the abdomen. Stomach was perforated, I smelled the acid entering her system the moment I approached her.”

Carlisle sighed. Not good, but better a hollow organ than a solid one. Did it miss the aorta?

I nodded. “Barely. Maybe a fraction of a centimeter.”

“She was lucky,” he said. My head shot up in his direction and I narrowed my eyes at him. Lucky? She was far from lucky—she’d wound up here with her life in serious danger. He sighed. “I know what you’re thinking but it could’ve been worse. It would’ve been worse had you not gotten there.”

I sighed, looking back down at the ground. He was quiet for a moment. What have they done for her? His thoughts asked eventually.

“They intubated her and started pumping her full of fluids as soon as we arrived. They blood typed her and started transfusing her immediately, she was hypotensive and in class III shock.”

“How many units of blood have they given her?”

“5. 3 right away, she had nearly 40% blood loss and 2 more during surgery.” He sighed, his thoughts mirroring my own. That was bad, very bad. “They gave her the physical inspection, noting the entrance and exit wound. Did a full lab workup and started antibiotics. Did a CT Scan to check for internal injuries and noted the stomach was opened up so they rushed her to the OR.”

“How are her vitals?” I glanced at him and shook my head.

“Blood pressures low, been staying around 90/60 since she was brought in. Her heart’s weak. They’re doing a laparotomy to suture up her stomach now but keep having to stop to stabilize her.”

We both sat quietly, lost in thought. I was listening intently to the doctors, whereas Carlisle’s thoughts were going through all the possibilities of her recovery. They finished up in the OR and Bella was taken to he ICU. A doctor in scrubs that I didn’t recognize came into the room after awhile, followed by Dr. Michaels, who had treated Bella after the accident.

“Dr. Cullen, it’s great to see you again,” Dr. Michaels said, approaching Carlisle. His eyes fell upon me and he immediately regretted his words.

“You too Dr. Michaels, too bad it couldn’t be under better circumstances. Isabella’s next of kin should be arriving soon, he’s coming in from Forks.” Dr. Michaels nodded and cleared his throat. I glanced up at Carlisle, my brow furrowed in confusion. Alice is with him, his thoughts said simply.

“Can I see her soon?” I asked, looking up at the doctors. They were debating on how much to tell us since we weren’t family, not knowing we already knew it all.

Dr. Michaels glanced to the other doctor who nodded. “In about 2 hours or so she should be allowed visitors. We usually only allow close family members into the ICU, so the final say as to whether or not you can see her will ultimately fall upon the next-of-kin.”

I sighed loudly. Charlie and I had seemed to make some headway when I asked him for permission to ask Bella to marry me, but given that she had found herself in the hospital in grave danger, I wasn’t so sure his new warm feelings were going to remain. Especially when he found out Tyler Crowley had put her here—that was going to do nothing but remind him of the accident and the aftermath, all of which he blamed me for.

Carlisle was speaking to the doctors while my mind drifted, my attention focusing on the faint thumping of Bella’s heart on the 3rd floor. The waiting room door opened after a moment and a panicked Charlie ran in followed by a sullen looking Alice.

“What’s going on?” Charlie asked frantically.

“You’re Isabella Swan’s father?” the doctor asked. Charlie nodded. “Isabella was brought in a few hours ago with a gunshot wound. Her stomach was perforated and she suffered a massive amount of blood loss. We sutured her up and stabilized her the best we could. She’s being transferred to the ICU now, you should be able to see her in a few hours.”

Charlie simply nodded, but his thoughts told me he was just as confused as he had been before they started speaking. Alice had informed him of the basics, Bella being shot at work by Tyler, but the medical aspect of it he was lost on.

The doctors departed after a moment and Charlie turned to Carlisle. “Be real with me, Dr. Cullen. How is she really?”

Carlisle sighed. “She’s in critical condition. Unconscious. An abdominal shot that hits the stomach is very serious and she’s not out of the woods yet.”

Charlie nodded. “What are her odds?”

“That’s hard to say Charlie, there are so many different things to be factored in. I can say around 20% of people in her position don’t make it as far as she has, so she’s already cleared the first hurdle. I can’t speak as her doctor but as a friend? I’d say she’s got a 50/50 shot of pulling through.”

Charlie maintained his outward composure and thanked Carlisle for being honest with him. Inside Charlie was frantic, worried. He sat down beside Carlisle and Alice came to sit beside me. She reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing.

“You did good,” she said softly. I shook my head.

“I was too late. I’m always too late to save her from pain.” In Phoenix, I had been too late to save her from being bitten. In Forks I could’ve saved her from the accident, saved her from the drugs but I had been too late. When Victoria attacked, I could’ve saved her from getting hurt but once again I was too late.

Alice sighed. “You may not be able to always take her pain away, but you’ve surely saved her from death countless times. I’d say your timing is just perfect.”

We sat around in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I gathered from Charlie’s thoughts that he called Renee on the drive here and she was catching the first flight out.

Dr. Michaels returned eventually and told Charlie that Bella could have visitors now. Charlie left immediately to go see her. He returned after about 20 minutes and sobbed quietly to himself, trying to hide his tears from us.

“I’m surprised you’re not up there with her,” Charlie said after awhile, glancing over at me. It was the first time he’d looked at me since he arrived.

“I’m not family so I can only see her with the next-of-kin’s permission. I figured that was unlikely to happen.” I was determined to see Bella but figured I’d simply have to sneak in later when everyone was gone, as I had the last time she was here.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you are Bella’s family. You’ve been more of her family lately than me. Christ, you’re the only reason she’s still alive right now. Go see her.”

My eyes snapped up to Charlie’s with shock. His face was serious. I eyed him for a moment and he frowned. “Go,” he said simply.

I nodded and stood. I headed for the door and paused, turning to glance at Charlie again. “Thank you,” I said softly.

He nodded. “You’re welcome, son.”

I nearly sprinted up to the 3rd floor. They called down to ensure I was allowed to visit before allowing me into the ICU to see her. I gasped when I entered the room. I’d seen her in peoples thoughts but being here in front of her, seeing her hooked up to the ventilator and unable to breath or function on her own was startling. She looked so frail, so vulnerable. I felt the venom stinging my eyes, fear and dread coursing through my system. Her smell was all wrong, the massive transfusion clouding her natural sweet scent. Her heartbeat was still weak but it was stable, her blood pressure still low but at least it wasn’t dropping. She was out cold, completely unconscious and unresponsive.

I sat beside her bed for what seemed like hours, whispering to her and stroking her hand. Her skin was cold and pale, not the warm pinkened flesh I was accustomed to.

They came in to kick me out eventually but I didn’t leave. I snuck back in the first chance I got.

Bella made it through the night and the next day, her vitals remaining stable but no progress otherwise. I stayed by her side every chance I could, ignoring the outside world. The police officer from the library stopped by and I left the room long enough to give him a brief statement. He assured me there wouldn’t be any charges against me for killing Tyler. Apparently Tyler had been on a bit of a crime spree the past few days, as the gun was stolen and he matched the description of the suspect in a few armed robberies. He robbed he flower shop and stole the carnation that morning before heading to the library after Bella. I was beating myself up for that, as Tyler’s face had been on the news the past couple nights from surveillance videos of robberies. I’d gotten some complacent I didn’t even watch the news anymore. If I hadn’t been so stupid, I could’ve prevented the entire thing.

I told the cop exactly what he wanted me to say, picking it out of his head, and he left quickly. He was curious as to how a young college kid learned how to snap a neck the way I did but he didn’t ask out loud so I didn’t bother trying to come up with an excuse.

Charlie came up to visit Bella and Renee did also when she arrived, but my family kept their distance. Carlisle and Alice remained close by though, always close enough that I could hear their thoughts.

The second day they took her back to the OR. They had only temporarily repaired her stomach because of her being so unstable and needed to make some definitive repairs. She was stable after the surgery again but still completely comatose. The next few days went by quickly, absolutely no change in her prognosis.

The evening of the 5th day, things changed. Her heartbeat shifted, not a lot but because I was so in tune to it I could tell. There was a slight murmur to it now and the rate slowly started to increase. Her blood pressure dipped slightly, not enough to really alarm anyone but enough to raise red flags to me. Her skin warmed and I could tell she was getting feverish. I sat all night with my hand on her forehead, trying to cool her.

And finally, in the middle of the night, I caught the scent.

It was subtle. She was finally starting to smell like herself again after the transfusion but there was now a new smell along with it. I knew it was too faint for human senses but it was there. It was pungent, a sourness lingering within her sweetness.

The morning of the 6th day Carlisle walked in. He was frowning and I saw his nose twitch.

“You smell it too,” I said. He nodded sadly.

“I’m so in tune with it as a doctor that I sensed it downstairs.”

I sighed loudly, devastation rocking through me. This wasn’t good. “What now?”

“It may be reversible if we can get Dr. Michaels to detect it immediately. I’m not sure if he will though, he’s a decent doctor but overconfident and won’t take well to me making suggestions. I’m going to approach Charlie when he arrives and bring up the subject of transferring her into my care, possibly bringing her to Forks Hospital.”

“Thank you,” I said softly. Carlisle nodded, clasping me on the shoulder warmly before walking out.

Alice came in later. “I’m so sorry Edward,” she said softly. I nodded.

“Is she going to die?” I asked hesitantly.

She sighed, standing beside me. “There’s too many decisions left to be made, it’s hard to answer that.”

I closed my eyes absorbing the words. Despite Alice trying to be evasive I knew it already, could sense it. The moment I smelled the bitterness yesterday I knew exactly what it meant--sepsis. There was infection brewing in Bella’s body. If she didn’t get massive amounts of antibiotics soon, it was going to take over her blood stream. Once it did that, she’d fall into septic shock. It wasn’t easy to come back from septic shock and she’d end up with massive organ failure, ultimately shutting her entire body down. Once it hit her organs, there would be no coming back.

You need to hunt, Alice thought after a moment of silence. I nodded, knowing she was right. I stood up hesitantly, leaning down to kiss Bella’s forehead before departing.

Carlisle promised to keep an eye on the situation while Alice went hunting with me. We were only gone for a few hours, returning as quickly as possible. Carlisle stopped me in the lobby.

“I talked to Charlie about transferring Bella to my care. He’s hesitant, not entirely sure about her making the trip back to Forks. I told him to think about it overnight.” I sighed and nodded. “I also brought up the idea of sepsis to the doctors but they shrugged it off.”

The infection grew that night. She was still feverish but her hands were freezing. Her heart rate steadily increased to over 90 beats a minute. The doctor finally decided to have her tested for sepsis, Carlisle’s insistence from earlier weighing on his mind. The culture came back positive but before they could react her blood pressure dove from 90/60 to 50/33, which was dangerously low. She’d officially gone into septic shock. They finally sprung into action then, pumping her full of antibiotics and combinations of other drugs and steroids and fluids. I sat by her bedside all night, silently praying to any God that would listen to me to save her. The next morning there was no change. It was overpowering, her system rampant with infection.

Carlisle came into the room that afternoon. “Dr. Michaels approached Charlie about taking Bella off of life support.”

I wasn’t surprised. I’d gathered from Dr. Michaels thoughts that he’d given up hope, believing Bella was a lost cause. Not only was her blood infected, but also she was comatose.

“And what was Charlie’s response?” I asked softly.

“He asked him for paperwork to have her transferred out of his care.”

I laughed lightly but stopped myself. I felt horrible laughing; nothing about the situation was funny. “Is there hope?” I asked.

Carlisle sighed, sitting down on the edge of Bella’s bed. He watched her for a moment, his thoughts full of lovely things about her. How lively she was, how witty she was. How much promise she showed, how much happiness she brought into all of our lives.

“There’s always hope,” he said softly after a moment. “Bella has a way of surprising all of us.”

I nodded and smiled. Bella definitely defied the odds, broke the norm.

“I worry about whether or not she can still come back from this.” It had been plaguing me for days, even before the infection started brewing. She was in a coma, completely unresponsive. Even if we fought the infection there was a chance she’d never wake up. I couldn’t live without Bella, couldn’t bear to think about her heart beating for the last time, her taking her last breath. But I also couldn’t bear to consider the idea of her remaining in a vegetative state, her body deteriorating away, her mind gone. Bella wouldn’t want that. Bella deserved to be in peace—it wasn’t right to fight to keep her heart beating for my own selfish reasons.

“You’d know better than the rest of us, Edward,” Carlisle said. “I can give you my medical opinion on coma patients but you know that aspect of it already. You’re just as knowledgeable as me on the subject. But you have a different way of knowing, something the rest of us don’t have. You and Bella are in tune with each other. If Bella were gone, you’d know it. You’d feel it.”

I sighed. I reached my hand out and grasped Bella’s, closing my eyes and moaning as the electricity of her touch shot through me. A smile crept onto my face. “She’s still in there,” I said softly. I opened my eyes and looked up at Carlisle. He nodded.

“I thought so.” He glanced around the room and sighed. “I’m going to go make sure everything is in order. I’ve already got the transport team in route. She’s not stable enough to be transported by ambulance so I pulled some strings and got a medical helicopter coming.”

I nodded. Carlisle departed and I made myself scarce as Renee and Charlie came up to see Bella. The medical transport team arrived and they started preparing her. I walked with them down to the helipad as they wheeled Bella out. I sighed when the doors to the helicopter closed and it started up.

I glanced over to Alice, who stood beside me quietly. She was watching the helicopter as it started as it started to rise, a sullen look on her face. Her thoughts were random figures and equations and I felt sadness course through me, pain building in my chest.

Alice could block her thoughts all she wanted, but she was one of the easiest people out there to read. Her expression gave me all I needed to know. I appreciated her trying to spare me, appreciated that she didn’t want to be the one to tell me or hurt me. I knew Alice loved me--we were truly like siblings. She’d never want to be the one to tell me this.

“We’re too late,” I whispered, turning away from her and glancing up into the sky, watching as the helicopter disappeared out of sight. It was a statement, not a question. I already knew the answer, it was written all over her face.