Ch 33 - Everything's Not Lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don’t you let it drag you down
'Cos if you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

“Everything's Not Lost” - Coldplay

Edward POV

I opened the bedroom door quietly, slipping into my bedroom quickly. I could tell by the pace of Bella’s heart and the sound of her breathing that she was in a deep sleep and I didn’t want to wake her.

I sat down on the couch across the room and watched her. She looked so beautiful, so serene. I enjoyed these moments, when she was sleeping peacefully. She was usually plagued with nightmares, which were utterly heartbreaking to watch, so I truly cherished the times when they didn’t come. When she was tranquil and resting comfortably.

The moments when she dreamed happy dreams were the greatest, though. When her lips would part and curve up into a smile, and she’d moan and breathe my name. That was heaven to me and reminded me exactly of why I exist. I exist solely for her, solely to make her happy. Bella completes me like I never thought was possible and when she dreams of me, I know that she truly loves me. That I complete her too. We were so different, complete opposites in this crazy world, but regardless we were made for each other. We defied all the labels--Immortal and Mortal, Predator and Prey. We were just Edward and Bella, and we were meant to be.

But the hour-long lecture I just received from my family downstairs made me realize how I did it again. I fell back into my old patterns, the patterns that caused our downfall the first time. I made Bella’s choices for her, thinking I knew what was best for her, thinking I knew her better than she knew herself. I disregarded her opinion again, when I told her I wouldn’t do that anymore.

And that was wrong. But how was I supposed to tell her these things? I knew Bella was strong—she was a lot stronger than I imagined. When we stood in her living room that day and she told me to get out, I realized exactly how much strength she had. I knew it hurt her to say those words, I could tell by the way her body reacted as the words left her lips. But she held firm and wouldn’t allow herself to break down in front of me. She was strong enough now to do what she hadn’t been strong enough to do last time—let me go.

But I didn’t want to go. I had no intention of ever leaving her again. She could tell me she never wanted to see me again and I’d respect that, and I’d make sure she never saw me. But I’d never leave her. I’d always be a few steps behind her no matter how much it hurt me. I’d let her live her life and it would destroy me to watch her move on and fall in love with someone else and get married and have children and grow old, but I’d do it for her if that’s what she wanted. But only if it’s what she wanted, and not what I thought she wanted. Because I promised to respect her opinion and I needed to.

I heard Bella sobbing in the shower that day. I sat on the couch and sobbed silently myself. No tears would ever fall from my eyes, but it didn’t stop the venom from stinging them. It hurt to hear her hurting. I let her alone all day, utterly distraught but realizing we needed time. Her words had shocked me and I needed to let myself absorb them. I needed to realize that I hadn’t been living up to my promises and that it was time for me to start doing so.

There was a shift in our relationship after that moment. We weren’t like we were before, it was different now. It was likely because of what we endured by losing each other—it was a startling reminder and we appreciated more now. I didn’t hold back expressing my love physically. I kissed her more, touched her more. I didn’t pull away as quick, allowing us to test my limits some. It wasn’t always easy, sometimes I felt my control slipping or she’d do something borderline dangerous like coming too close to my teeth, but I too was stronger than I thought.

And kissing her was incredible. I wanted to do it every time I got the chance. Her breath against my skin, the warmth of her mouth and wet lips pressing against me drove me crazy. The electricity between us was so intense and I’d feel it shoot through my body, arousing me like I’d never been aroused before. I never understood my family’s constant need for physical affection and sexual gratification, I’d roll my eyes and groaned when they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, but I got it now. I finally understood. Because I wanted Bella like I’d never wanted someone before. I wanted to feel her—all of her—and consume her. I wanted to possess her and be inside of her and make her mine in every way possible.

But that was dangerous, entirely too dangerous. I could hurt her too easily; even kill her with the flick of my wrist. And I couldn’t put that on her, couldn’t place her life at risk simply for my sexual gratification. She meant more to me than that, she was worth more than that.

But frankly none of that really mattered right now, because if I couldn’t fix what I messed up, we’d have no future anyway. If I didn’t make this right and start treating her as my equal, we wouldn’t make it. I just didn’t know how to tell her. I didn’t think she was crazy or unstable, but what I was going to tell her wasn’t light. It was major and could crack the strongest of people.

It was a sick and twisted game someone was playing with Bella and she had no idea about any of it.

I was positive now that it centered around Victoria and her quest for revenge over James. A lot of the blame for that fell on my shoulders but I couldn’t regret killing him. He deserved the fate he received. But because of what I did, Victoria has brought about a war.

Ever since the night I fled from Bella’s bedroom, I’d sensed more vampires in Seattle. The past 2 weeks or so the family has been spending a lot of time in the area, trying to trace them and locate them. I was watching the news like a hawk, monitoring the missing people reports and murders. The violent crime rate in Seattle skyrocketed but Bella seemed oblivious to it, and I didn’t mention it, not wanting to alarm her. How could I tell her that it was happening because someone was out for revenge against us? How could I put that burden on her? She shouldn’t have to live her life knowing countless families lost innocent loved ones because a demented woman was seeking vengeance because of something I did to protect her.

While I was away, drowning in misery because I nearly lost control, they had taken their sick game to the next level. They had flowers delivered to Bella’s apartment, white carnations with flecks of red in them. Alice read the card and called me immediately. The card told the Italian myth behind the white and red carnation, the story of Margherita and Orlando. Margherita gave a white carnation to her lover Orlando when he went off to war. Orlando kept it on him and was mortally wounded in battle, and his blood spilled out onto the carnation. All that was returned to Margherita was the flower, now stained with her lover’s blood. She remained true to him forever, never loving another.

It seemed harmless, but I knew better. I told Alice to discard them immediately, but Bella spotted them. Thankfully she had assumed they were from Jasper for Alice. How was I going to tell her that someone delivered them to her house as a veiled threat on her life?

But that was just the beginning. We kept an eye on things; one of us constantly watching Bella while the rest of us followed leads or tried to dig up information. Carlisle stayed in Forks constantly as our contact with the wolves, as they felt more comfortable with him than any of the rest of us. The wolves were keeping an eye out in the area for us, itching for a fight with a vampire. Victoria was mine, but they could have the others. I wasn’t sure how many others there were, I estimated maybe a dozen based on the news reports I saw.

Yesterday things shifted. Bella went to work as usual—she was working a double shift so I decided to use the time to hunt. I didn’t want to go long between feedings anymore with how close we were getting. I didn’t want to risk it. But I turned on the news after Bella left for work, waiting for Emmett to arrive because he was going with me, and froze at the report. I blinked rapidly, believing I had to be seeing things, but of course I wasn’t. It was real—it happened.

Bernard Nelson, prominent doctor of psychiatry, was reported missing. Bella’s doctor vanished into thin air. No signs of foul play, nothing stolen or broken in his home, he just disappeared. His wallet was still at the house, his car still in the driveway, but no sign of him.

It could’ve purely been a coincidence but I highly doubted it. Instead of hunting I spent the day scouring the city for signs of him. I faintly picked up the scent of vampire at his house, the same one that had been at Bella’s apartment and knew then that he’d been taken. I went back to her apartment and glued myself to the TV, praying they’d locate his body. I knew there was no way he’d be found alive and was hoping he was simply a victim, that he’d wash up somewhere drained dry like the others. They thought it was some sick serial killer, decapitating and dismembering bodies. But I knew better—it was mine kind doing it. I felt despicable, praying the man was dead, but the alternate was even worse. The alternate was that he was being changed and I’d have to destroy him myself. I didn’t want to have to do that—he’d helped Bella so much.

And how was I supposed to tell Bella that? How was I supposed to tell her that her therapist, the man that had helped heal her and make her strong again, had been killed or worse because of her connection to him? I shuddered to think of the torture he might’ve received—he knew intimate things about Bella and there was no doubt they’d fish for information before discarding him.

His body has yet to be found… Bella walked in that night and startled me. Dr. Nelsons face was on the screen and I panicked, hoping she wouldn’t see it. I was really worked up last night, worried about what was to come. Things were escalading, the situation growing dire. Danger was coming—and soon. I wanted to cherish every moment I had with her until then, wanted to show her how much I loved and needed her.

Carlisle sent Rosalie to watch Bella this morning, which was a big mistake. I was going to wait at the apartment and watch the news until Jasper arrived, and Alice was to meet Rose outside of the library. Rose was mad, not wanting anything to do with the situation. She was resentful and because of that she slacked on the job. I told Carlisle not to involve her but he insisted, saying she was family so she had to help do her part because Bella was family also. Jasper and Alice arrived hours later and Alice headed for the library while Jasper and I set off to try to track. It only took a moment before my cell phone chimed with Alice in a panic. Rose was nowhere to be found at the library but Alice had picked up another scent immediately—Victoria’s.

I went to the library as fast as possible, arriving around the same time as Rose reappeared. I didn’t speak to her--I was fuming. She had left Bella unprotected and given Victoria a way in. Victoria’s scent was fairly new but she was gone. Jasper headed back to Forks immediately to wait for me, while Alice and Rose tracked the scent.

I sprung Bella from work, charming her boss into giving her as much time off as needed. Bella wasn’t safe there, she needed out of Seattle. I only wanted to keep her safe but she was furious. I was leaving her in the dark and that was wrong. My family had been right—again.

And to completely complicate matters, we had a run in with Charlie. With the way our luck was going I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d never been pulled over before, thanks to my gift, but I hadn’t taken into account that the cop in the cruiser held a grudge against me. He wasn’t outwardly hostile, thankfully, but his thoughts weren’t pleasant. I had a difficult time reading Charlie Swan’s mind, I imagine it was hereditary considering Bella was completely blank to me, but I could pick up the tone and basics. And he was fuming.

Bella was whimpering in her sleep, sobbing now. She usually screamed when she had a nightmare but this was different. This wasn’t fear and panic, this was utter sadness. I heard Bella’s heart rate shift, her breathing change after a moment. She was waking up. I sighed and took a deep breath, inhaling her succulent scent to calm me. She opened her eyes and stretched, glancing around the room. Her eyes fell upon me, and her heart rate picked up.

“Edward?” she said, sitting up. There was longing in her voice. I expected her to wake up furious, and was a little taken off guard by her expression. She was sad, hurt.

“Yes, love?” I said, getting up and walking over to the bed. I sat down beside her, reaching over and brushing a few wayward hairs out of her face.

“I don’t like fighting with you,” she said softly. I smiled sadly.

“I know, me either. You’re right though, you deserve to know. So I’ll tell you everything if that’s what you want.”

She hesitated briefly, biting her bottom lip. I reached my hand out and brushed them against her mouth so she’d stop. She nodded after a second, indicating she wanted me to tell her.

So I did. I told her about Victoria and the other vampires in the area. I told her about the crime rate going up because of them and that’s why I watched the news so much. I confessed I let her stay in the hospital because of it, and I told her about one of them being in her building while she was there. I told her about the flowers and what they really meant. I told her about Dr. Nelson disappearing and the implications of it. And lastly, I told her about Victoria being at the library, which is why we had come to Forks.

She didn’t speak at all, just sat there silently listening. I saw the tears glistening her eyes, threatening to spill over. She was trying to be strong, trying to hold it back. I told her every last bit of it and she didn’t crack. Like I said, she was stronger than I ever imagined.