Ch 41 - From Time to Time

There'll never be a minute of the day I won't think of you
My feelings are so strong in me I feel it through and through
There'll never be a night that's so dark that we won't shine
Or a dream that we've lost that we can't find
You'll always be oh the one for me
I think of you from time to time and in between

"From Time To Time" – Rascal Flatts

“You’re crazy.” His words filtered into my subconscious, the voice muffled and distant, slightly exasperated.

“It’s going to happen, Edward.” The singsong voice was slightly louder and sounded triumphant.

“This is completely ridiculous, Alice. You don’t seem to grasp how dangerous that is! And don’t tell me I’m overreacting because I’m not. Even Carlisle agrees with me.”

“Carlisle doesn’t get it, he just doesn’t know,” she said simply.

“And you do?” he nearly growled.

“I’ve seen it.” I could hear the smile in her voice.

“You have to be missing something,” he muttered.

“I’m not. You’ve seen it yourself. Do you need me to show you again?”

“No I don’t need to see it again… What about her mother?” he asked hesitantly.

“It’s still the same. It hasn’t shifted.”

“You’re wrong, you have to be.”

She laughed. “Was I wrong last time?”

“Yes,” he said pointedly.

“I was not!” she said sharply, hurt in her voice. “That just hasn’t happened yet.”

It grew quiet for a moment. “That still hasn’t shifted either?” he asked softly.

“No, it’s still just as strong. Only time it shifted was the night of the accident, but after Carlisle intervened it came right back.”

He sighed loudly. “And you’re sure it’s her birthday?”

“Positive,” she said at once.

“This isn’t right Alice. I could kill her.”

“You won’t,” she said, sounding completely confident.

“You can’t know that,” he said flatly. “Things change quickly, it only takes a split second for things to spiral out of control. It doesn’t even have to be a conscious decision, I could kill her purely by accident and you’d never see it.”

“You won’t,” she said again.

“And what exactly makes you so confident that I won’t?” he asked incredulously.

“Because you love her. I know you, you won’t let yourself make a mistake.”

He laughed bitterly. “Are you forgetting I almost killed her a few weeks ago?”

“You learned from that, you know what you did wrong and you won’t do it again. You can’t deny your control is a lot better now. It’s going to happen Edward, and it’s all going to be fine.”

“And if you’re wrong? If I can’t control myself?”

She was quiet for a moment. “Then if worst comes to worst, you make both visions come true at once.”

My breathing regulated as I came out of my slumber, my eyes fluttering open. The apartment was eerily quiet suddenly, so quiet I wondered if I possibly imagined hearing Alice and Edward. Their conversation made no sense to me, a complicated riddle that I couldn’t sort through in my altered state. I was groggy, still half-asleep, barely remembering any of their words.

I pulled myself into a sitting position, rubbing my eyes, and glanced up to see Edward standing in the doorway of the bedroom. He smiled at me, his crooked grin immediately sending my heart into a frenzy.

“Morning, love,” he said sweetly.

I smiled brightly. “Morning,” I mumbled, my voice rough from sleep. “Is Alice here?”

If I hadn’t been watching him so intently, I probably wouldn’t have noticed his smile faltering for a fraction of a second at the mention of his sister.

“Hey Bella!!” Alice yelled, popping into the room immediately. She was beaming with joy.

“Hey Alice, I thought I heard your voice.”

Her smile stayed in place but she shared a quick glance with Edward.

“Yeah I just got here, wanted to see if you’d go shopping with me!” Her expression was hopeful as she looked at me with eagerness.

I didn’t respond, simply glanced between her and Edward. I had the day off of work and had been looking forward to spending every minute of it with Edward, but he smiled apologetically, his expression guilty. I realized instantly that he had something to do and wouldn’t be saving me from Alice.

“Yeah, okay,” I muttered after a moment, resigned. She squealed, clapping her hands.

“Great! We’re going to have so much fun Bella!” She departed from the room, leaving me alone with a shamefaced Edward.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. He walked over and sat down on the side of the bed, reaching out to brush some strands of wayward hair away from my face. He leaned in to kiss me but I pulled back quickly, covering my mouth with my hand.

The look of devastation that overcame him when I pulled away rocked me to the core. He moved to get up quickly but I grabbed his shirt. He cocked an eyebrow at me, confused.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth,” I mumbled. He was amused instantly, the hurt melting away, and laughed loudly.

“Silly Bella,” he said with a smile. “I’m sorry about Alice, I forgot to mention that I promised her she could steal you for awhile.”

I nodded and waved him off. “It’s fine. It’ll be fun, I guess. Or I hope, anyway.”

He chuckled. “It won’t be too horrible, whenever you want the madness to end just let her know and she’ll bring you back home.”

“What are you going to do today?” I asked, slightly saddened at the idea of Edward spending the day alone.

He sighed. “I think I might go see Carlisle.”

“Okay,” I mumbled, slightly confused that Edward was going to Forks, but didn’t question him about it. I imagine he missed Carlisle—missed his father figure.

Edward left the bedroom so I could get dressed. I didn’t bother trying to look nice, knowing Alice would have me in and out of dressing rooms all day trying on countless outfits. I threw on a pair of worn comfy jeans and grabbed one of Edward’s plain white t-shirts. I slipped on a pair of black and white converse and headed out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth quickly and threw my hair back into a ponytail. It was starting to grow out again thankfully—I missed my long hair.

“Okay I’m ready,” I announced as I walked into the living room. Alice grimaced when she saw me but thankfully didn’t comment on the outfit. Edward came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling my neck. I turned my head to kiss his lips softly once before pulling away to follow Alice out the door.

She insisted we take the black Mercedes, which she had borrowed from Carlisle for the day.

“Uh, can’t we just go to Northgate Mall?” I asked hesitantly when Alice drove to Pacific Place. The shops at Pacific Place were a bit pricier. I wasn’t completely broke, I had a bit of wiggle room with my finances considering Edward was insisting on paying half now, but I wasn’t exactly rich.

When I agreed to allow Edward to pay for half, I didn’t realize he truly meant half of everything. Just the day before he tried to give me $40 for his half of the groceries. I scoffed and refused his money, telling him the only way I’d allow him to pay for half of the groceries is if he ate them. After watching him choke and gag down nearly an entire sandwich, I caved and just took the two twenties. He was getting to be just as bad as Alice—it was easier simply not to argue with the Cullen siblings when they were insistent on something.

“I need to go to Restoration Hardware for a new mirror for Esme. The boys broke the big one in the living room wrestling,” she said with a shrug. I nodded in understanding.

We went inside and I watched in utter shock as Alice paid over $3,000 for a new mirror. It weighed over 200 lbs and although Alice could carry it easily, she wouldn’t be able to without drawing too much suspicion so she had it scheduled to be delivered to the house in Forks.

After the mirror was ordered and paid for, Alice’s fun began. She dragged me into store after store, insisting I try everything on. I put my foot down, refusing a few times when she tried to toss something ridiculous at me but thankfully she didn’t argue. I didn’t want to have to cause a scene.

Alice didn’t buy much, was simply having fun browsing. She seemed to calm down a bit when we entered Barney’s, no longer rummaging through clothes frantically. She was focused and calculated, looking carefully at the clothes. She froze abruptly in front of a rack of dresses and I ran straight into her, bouncing off and nearly falling but she barely noticed. She was gazing at a black dress, a smile on her face.

She sprung into action, flipping through the rack and pulling out my size. She handed it to me and told me to go try it on. I shrugged, obliging, and headed for the dressing room.

I stripped and slipped it on, coming out so Alice could see. Her eyes widened and she smiled, nodding. I turned to look in the mirror and shrugged. It wasn’t really anything out of the ordinary. It fell below the knee and had short sleeves. It was actually quite conservative, almost business-like.

“What do you think?” Alice asked enthusiastically.

“It’s cute,” I said nonchalantly. Alice nodded.

“Good, that’s the one. You’re getting it.”

I furrowed my brow and glanced at her. “I’m getting this?” I asked incredulously. She nodded again. “For what?”

“You need a dress to wear for your birthday,” she said.

I laughed dryly, turning back to the mirror. “Alice we’re not really doing anything for my birthday that’s going to require I wear this.”

“Come on Bella, it’s your birthday. You might not be having a party but wouldn’t it at least be nice to have an excuse to dress up? To look nice for Edward?”

I gazed at myself in the mirror, considering it. Of course I wanted to look nice for Edward, but he was devastatingly handsome and nothing I did would ever come close to his gorgeousness.

“But this dress?” I asked, confused. “Isn’t it too grown-up like? I mean I’m only turning 20. Am I supposed to look so conservative?”

She snickered. “Your boyfriend was born in 1901. I assure you, this isn’t exactly ‘conservative’ in his book. It’s sophisticated and classy… Edward likes that.”

I nodded, still staring at my reflection. “I look too pale,” I said.

Alice laughed again. “Seriously Bella? You want to talk about being pale?” I turned my head to glance at her, smiling. I was being ridiculous. I was dating a vampire--as long as blood pumped through my veins I’d never be as pale as him.

“No more excuses, this is the one,” she said confidently. I nodded, resigned. It was a nice dress--I’d admit that. I felt sophisticated and sexy in it.

I grabbed the price tag and glanced at it, gasping loudly as my eyes widened. “Alice this dress cost over $2,000!!” I hissed.

She looked at me with confusion. “So? It’s completely worth it.”

I groaned, rolling my eyes. “I don’t have that kinda money to be blowing on a damn dress.”

She laughed. “I do. It’s my birthday present to you.” I narrowed my eyes at her, about to refuse, but she narrowed her eyes right back and put her hands on her hips. Her expression and posture was almost menacing—she was daring me to argue with her.

I shook my head in frustration and stepped back into the dressing room, taking the dress off and tossing it over to Alice. I redressed and met her back in the store. I huffed loudly, giving a bit of attitude while she pulled out her American Express Platinum Card but didn’t say anything while she paid for it.

She pulled me out of Barney’s and I figured we were heading home, but she instead took us up to the second level. She swung into Victoria Secret and I froze, groaning. She shot me a pointed look so I proceeded to follow behind her, silently praying she’d grab whatever she came for so we could get out of there.

She glanced around for a moment before snatching something off of a shelf. I didn’t look, not wanting to see what it was, afraid if I did a mental image of Alice and Jasper would come. She paid for it quickly and we exited the store.

As we headed down and out toward the parking lot, Alice handed the pink and white Victoria Secrets bag to me. I looked at her questioningly but took it. She smiled.

“You needed something to go under the dress,” she said with a shrug. I froze, nearly dropping the bags. She giggled. I regained composure after a moment, following behind her to the car.

I was quiet as we headed back to my apartment, slightly shocked. Alice kept glancing in my direction. Curiosity got the best of me finally and I opened the bag slightly, peeking inside of it. It was entirely black and I spotted the garters instantly. I closed the bag quickly, a blush creeping into my cheeks.

“What, don’t like it?” she asked. There was amusement in her voice, a smile playing her lips.

“I can’t believe you bought me lingerie,” I muttered, shaking my head. “It was a waste of money though.”

She shrugged, pulling up in front of my apartment. I noticed the Volvo wasn’t there and breathed a sigh of relief. As much as I wanted to see Edward, I was entirely too embarrassed about the Victoria’s Secret bag too face him right now.

“I don’t think it’s a waste of money,” she said as we got out and headed inside. “You needed something for under the dress. Lingerie isn’t entirely for men to ogle Bella, lingerie serves other purposes.”

“Like?” I asked, unlocking the door and stepping inside. She followed me.

“It’s empowering. Even if no one ever sees it, it makes you feel sexy to have it on.”

I looked at her suspiciously. I had never worn lingerie in my life, never had a reason to. Her line of thinking made sense, I supposed.

I hesitated but opened the bag and pulled it out. It was a simple black babydoll with lace and garters. It had a matching black lace thong and black thigh-high stockings. It was definitely sexy, risqué, but wasn’t as horrible as I originally anticipated.

I glanced up at Alice, who was still smiling. “I thought you said Edward liked classy and not trashy?” I asked jokingly.

She laughed. “I did say he liked classy but I never said he wouldn’t enjoy a little trashy, Bella. Even guys as uptight as Edward can appreciate the sexiness of garters.”

I laughed and tossed it back in the bag, taking it into the bedroom and shoving it in the back of my closet. I didn’t want Edward to find it and think I was planning something or had expectations.

I wouldn’t lie, a big part of me wished I could put the lingerie on and seduce my boyfriend like other women my age. I was physically attracted to him, my body craved him, and the more time we spent together the deeper those desires grew. But I wasn’t like other women my age, because my boyfriend wasn’t like other guys. We couldn’t just hop into bed and indulge in pleasure and give ourselves over to temptation. He had physical limitations that I did my best to respect, for both of our sakes. It wasn’t easy though, and it grew more difficult as time went on.

It seemed my bravery died as quickly as it had come that evening when I took my shirt off in front of Edward. It’s been a little over a week since then and I hadn’t had the guts to try to push his limits again. It seemed Edward was comfortable with his control touching me, thankfully, because he now allowed his hands to roam a bit. Twice this past week he slipped his hand under my shirt while kissing me and ran his hands over my breasts and across my stomach.

But that was the extent of it—he didn’t take any initiative to take anything further, stuck with what he knew he was comfortable doing. And I enjoyed it—God, did I enjoy it—but I craved more.

I wanted his hands to explore more, to touch me other places I never wanted to be touched before. I was still so innocent sexually but it seemed as if something had ignited inside of me recently and I was having a hard time going back and ignoring it.

I found myself touching myself in the shower, doing it without even realizing it. As soon as it struck me what I was doing I’d stop, ashamed and embarrassed. I’d never actually partaken in self-gratification, had no idea what I was doing and was a little weirded out about it, but it felt so good when my hands would graze my sensitive spots. I wanted to feel Edward’s hands there, touching me. But I was too afraid, too scared to ask—too afraid of rejection, too afraid of pushing his limits too far.

And I wanted to touch him. I’d run my hands over his chest and back but I desperately wanted to bring them lower and explore more of him. I had always been completely turned off by the male anatomy, almost disgusted by it. But with Edward it was different. I wanted to see him—all of him. I wanted to feel it, explore it. I didn’t even know if he was circumcised. After all, he was born before circumcision was even popular. And it didn’t matter, I didn’t care, I just wanted to know. And see. And feel.

But I couldn’t tell him, because I wasn’t sure that was something he’d ever be able to do and I didn’t want to make him feel bad. I knew Edward well enough to know that if I expressed a desire that he couldn’t give me, the guilt would tear him apart.

It was ridiculous, because sex didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but the fact that I’d most likely die a virgin if I remained with Edward in this form was quite disheartening. May as well contact the convent now and sign up.