Ch 47 - I Was There

Looking back what I have done
There's lots more life to live
At times I feel overwhelmed
I question what I can give
But I don't let it get me down
Or cause me too much sorrow
There's no doubt about who I am
I always have tomorrow

“I Was There” – Green Day

Talk about awkward. I stood a mere few feet away from my mother, the woman who had raised me the best she could as a single parent, the person who had been my best friend most of my life. She had sacrificed for me, struggled to give me the best life she could, and although she was scatter-brained and flighty in nature, she was also loyal and loving. I put her through hell, broken her heart with my irresponsibility, and neglected her when she did everything she could to try to rebuild our relationship. Countless times she asked me for my phone number in letters, numerous times she’d ask about us getting together. I always ignored it, glossing over those items. Even my responses to her letters thoroughly lacked. I was being a bad daughter, to say the least.

And here she stood, having flown nearly 3000 miles just to see me on my birthday, and how does our first encounter start off? With me cursing, talking about my boyfriend having sex with me.

Great way to show her you’ve matured, I mentally scolded myself.

It had been a while, but Renee looked exactly as I remembered. She had a motherly scowl on her face, obviously not enjoying my foul language—that was very unlike the daughter she raised, the one who couldn’t even mutter the word ‘crap’ without feeling dirty. And I’m sure she wasn’t too pleased to hear me talking to Edward about us having sex. But I didn’t miss the fact that the corners of her mouth were starting to turn up, and as much as she tried to fight it off and maintain her chastising expression, it still kept happening. After a moment she caved, her face erupting into a brilliant smile.

“Bella!” she nearly yelled, rushing forward to pull me into a hug. I laughed at her enthusiasm, hugging her back. “My baby girl, look at you! You look so beautiful.”

I heard Edward chuckle behind me, closing the door. He walked past us and turned to shoot me a sad smile before disappearing into the bedroom. Renee let go of me and stepped back, giving me the once over. She seemed pleased with what she saw and smiled. The last time Renee saw me was when her and Charlie discussed hospitalizing me, right after I had been introduced to GHB for the first time. She never saw me at my lowest but I had been in bad enough shape when she did see me to concern her.

“It’s great to see you mom. Wow, I’m surprised. I had no idea.” Renee smiled.

“I was just as surprised as you when Edward contacted me about visiting. I hope it’s okay,” she said, looking at me with slight concern, obviously not wanting to impose. I smiled lightly and nodded.

“Of course it’s okay,” I said. And I meant it. My anger over Edward forcing this on me dissipated quickly, the utter gratitude taking over. I was beyond thankful, overwhelmed even.

Edward came out of the bedroom after a moment, holding his keys. I looked at him questioningly and he smiled. “I’m going to go switch out the cars quickly,” he said. I nodded and he said goodbye to Renee, departing quickly. I knew the car could wait, but he wanted to give me time alone with my mom.

We sat down on the couch and Renee started talking. She babbled endlessly about Jacksonville and Phil and baseball and her cat Toby, all of the new hobbies she’s picked up and subsequently dropped. I just sat back and listened, smiling. It wasn’t until Renee was in front of me that I realized exactly how much I missed her.

We both started yawning after awhile and I insisted Renee take the bed. The couch pulled out into a second bed, but Renee was a guest so I demanded she take the bedroom. She hesitantly agreed and we both settled in for sleep.

Edward climbing onto the flimsy couch bed awakened me later. He smiled lightly, running his fingers along my cheek that was flushed from sleep. “Are you mad?” he asked softly, hesitantly. I smiled, shaking my head.

“I’m sorry I went off on you like that.” He shrugged, waving me off. I rolled over and he grabbed my hip to pull me to him, assuming the position we usually took at night. I winced as his hand came into contact with the bruise and he froze.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concern in his voice. I mumbled that I was fine and he sighed. “Are you… sore?” he asked after a moment.

This time I sighed. “A little. Nothing too bad though.”

He seemed content with that answer and moved his body closer to mine, snuggling up. I closed my eyes and drifted back off to sleep quickly.

I woke up the next morning to find Renee staring at me. She was holding a cup of coffee, sipping it.

“Ohhhh Coffee,” I muttered, pulling myself up. I hauled myself into a standing position and stumbled into the kitchen, pouring myself a mug.

“Where’s Edward?” I asked, glancing around and noticing he was absent. Renee smiled.

“He said he had plans today and that us girls were left to fend for ourselves.”

I nodded, not surprised that Edward would be giving me as much time alone with my mom as he could. We finished our coffee and dressed, getting ready for the day.

I walked back out into the living room after getting dressed and saw Renee holding my Space Needle Snow Globe.

“This is cute,” she said.

I smiled. “Yeah, Edward bought it for me.”

She turned to me and faked shock. “You mean you let someone buy something for you?” she said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

Renee and I went out to lunch, her insisting we go to the space needle and eat at the restaurant there because she wanted to buy herself a snow globe. We did a little bit of shopping and caught a movie in the early evening. After the movie we stopped by a small little café to grab a bite to eat for dinner. I was exhausted, ready to head home and kick my feet up. I missed my mother dearly and loved spending time with her, but she had a way or wearing people out after awhile.

“So how long are you in town for anyway?” I asked as the waiter brought us our food. Renee smiled sadly. “Just until tomorrow. I need to get back; Phil’s team has a ceremony this weekend.”

I nodded in understanding. We ate quietly for a moment, before she cleared her throat. I look up at her and saw her expression was serious. “So, really Bella, how are you?”

I smiled. “I really am great mom. I’m happy. I mean, it’s still hard, dealing with the consequences of everything but I’m okay.”

“And what about Edward? How are things there? I realize it must’ve been rocky, you guys coming back together after what happened.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t easy but we’re managing.”

“And you’re sure about him? I mean, I heard you two arguing yesterday. I don’t mean to pry but you can talk to me, you know.”

I smiled. “I know mom, and I’m sorry you heard all of that. It was just a stupid misunderstanding. But, yeah, I’m absolutely sure about him,” I said confidently. “I’ve learned my lesson. Dr. Nelson helped me come to grips with some things, helped me realize what my real problems were before he…” I trailed off. Dr. Nelson was a tough subject for me. I felt responsible for his death, along with the lives I ruined in Forks. I was grateful his body had been recovered and his family was given the comfort of that, but it didn’t make the hurt of knowing he’d been killed because of me any less. I hadn’t gone back to the hospital since our last session. They called me, wanting to reschedule me with their new psychologist but I declined. I knew therapy would still be beneficial for me and someday I might seek it out, but I wasn’t ready to start over with someone knew, wasn’t ready to relive everything with another stranger. Dr. Nelson had been there every step of the way, had personally monitored my recovery. He couldn’t just be replaced.

“Yeah I heard what happened to your doctor. So sad,” Renee said. I nodded but didn’t respond, not wanting to really get into the subject.

We finished dinner and headed back to the apartment. Edward was sitting on the couch when we arrived, watching TV. We joined him and Edward put a DVD in called “Valley Girl”, which turned out to be Renee’s favorite movie. Edward winked at me and I realized he’d gotten Renee’s favorite movie on purpose, picking that piece of information out of her head at some point. He could be such a suck up sometimes.

“When did this come out anyway?” I asked after awhile. I recognized a young Nicolas Cage and realized the movie was likely older than me.

Renee laughed. “Wow, I was just a teenager. A freshman in high school I think. Amanda Henderson and I used to watch it constantly, both of us pining over Nic.”

“Amanda Henderson?” I asked, not familiar with the name.

Renee grew quiet and I heard Edward sigh. I glanced between them, wondering what was going on.

“She’s Amanda Mallory now,” Renee said softly. I glanced at her with shock.

“You’re friends with Lauren’s mom?” I asked with disbelief. Lauren’s mom wasn’t the type of person I imagined my mother would ever hang out with.

Renee shook her head. “When we were younger, yes. We stopped speaking in high school though, she wasn’t a very nice person.”

Still isn’t, I thought but didn’t respond. When the movie went off Renee yawned, saying she needed to get some sleep in order to catch her flight in the morning.

Edward snuggled up beside me again, asking me if I was okay. I assured him I was fine and drifted off to sleep quickly. I slept deeply and Edward nudged me awake in the morning, telling me it was time to get up for work. I got up and saw Renee was all packed up and ready to go. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I darted to her quickly, wrapping my arms around her. She laughed and squeezed me. I leaned up and kissed her cheek, telling her I was going to miss her.

“You and Edward will have to come visit us in Jacksonville,” she said. I nodded and glanced at Edward. He smiled lightly.

I sadly watched her walk out, Edward following behind her carrying her bags. He was going to drop her off at the airport since I had to work.

Work went by quickly. Margaret confessed that Edward had her alter my schedule so I had yesterday off, telling her about my mom coming into town. I thanked her for being so understanding. I loved my job, the library meant a lot to me.

I stepped out when my shift ended. Before I could even take a step toward my apartment a form sprang up, startling me.

“Hey Bella!!” I jumped and looked to see Alice standing beside me. I clutched my chest, my heart racing wildly from surprise. She smiled apologetically.

“Hi,” I muttered. She linked her arm with mine and we started walking toward my apartment.

“I know you’re mad at me and I’m so sorry!” she blurted out. I glanced over at her and saw her pouting, giving me puppy-dog eyes. I didn’t know if it was faked or if she truly felt bad, but regardless I couldn’t stay mad at Alice. She couldn’t help the things she saw and it was in her nature to use her visions to make things happen.

“I’m not mad. A little embarrassed that you saw but I don’t blame you."

“Good!” she said enthusiastically.

“So what are you doing in Seattle?” I asked.

She laughed. “I really just wanted to see you, tell you I was sorry. Edward didn’t know I was coming but he’ll smell me on you so he’ll figure it out.”

“You drove the whole way down here just to ask me to not be mad at you?” I asked. She smiled sheepishly.

“I also wanted to talk to you about something else and wanted to do it in privately, in person.” I stopped walking and turned to her. She sighed. “You should tell him about it Bella.”

My brow furrowed in confusion. “Tell who about what?”

“Edward,” she said. “You should tell him about the bruises.”

I gaped at her, taken back by her statement. “What? That’s crazy! He’s going to freak.”

She nodded. “He’ll handle it better if you tell him now. He’s going to find out regardless, but if you wait and let him find out on his own he will freak. You promised him you’d tell him if he hurt you. He’s been doing everything he could to keep his promises to you, even willing to risk everything to give you whatever you ask of him. You should keep your promise.”

I stared at her for a moment, absorbing her words. She was absolutely right. I get upset when Edward keeps things from me, declaring he does it for my own good, and yet here I am doing the same thing. Keeping something from him he’d want to know simply because I feel like he’d be better off not knowing. He’s respecting my opinion, why am I not giving him the same courtesy? I can’t keep things from him and expect us to maintain an honest relationship. I was a complete hypocrite.

I nodded hesitantly after a moment. Alice smiled. “Good. You wouldn’t have listened to me if I didn’t say that in person, which is why I’m here. You need to tell him tonight.”

“Okay,” I muttered. Alice hugged me quickly, saying goodbye, and dashed off in the other direction. I walked into the building and slowly made my way up to the apartment. Edward greeted me as soon as I entered, kissing my lips softly.

He pulled back and eyed me suspiciously. “Why do you smell like Alice?” he asked. I smiled guiltily. He groaned and rolled his eyes. “She comes the whole way to Seattle and doesn’t say hey to me?”

“I didn’t realize you were speaking to her again,” I said with a shrug. I walked into the kitchen to grab a snack and Edward came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. He squeezed lightly and I winced when he pressed against one of my bruises.

“Are you okay?” he asked, letting me go quickly. I sighed, slowly shaking my head. Edward stared at me with concern.

“I, uh, need to tell you something. But you can’t get mad at me, or yourself for that matter. I know you’re going to go all crazy about it but I’m begging you not to. It’s not that big of a deal but you’re going to find out eventually so I may as well tell you.”

Edward furrowed his brow. “What’s going on Bella?”

I sighed, reaching down and grabbing the hemline of my shirt. I took a deep breath and pulled it off quickly. Edward sucked in and held the breath, his eyes falling on the purplish bruise that was already fading to green on my side. My pants sat low on the waist so he could see the top of the bruises on my hips.

He glanced up to my face quickly, his eyes meeting mine. He slowly let his eyes drift back down to the bruise and timidly reached his hand up, placing it overtop of it gently. His hand fit perfectly over it, his fingers falling right in line with the bruise. He closed his eyes and dropped his hand, his fears confirmed—he’d done it.

When he opened his eyes again, his expression startled me. He didn’t speak, simply gazed at me, but his eyes said what his lips did not. He was horrified, devastated.