Ch 9 - Something I Can Never Have

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This is slowly taking me apart.
Gray would be the color if I had a heart.
I just want something I can never have.
In this place it seems like such a same.
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

“Something I Can Never Have” – Nine Inch Nails

FLASHBACK

“Bella, love, you should eat,” Edward said as he slid into the seat next to me. I smiled and glanced in his direction but didn’t respond. I took the cap off of my lemonade and took a sip. Edward sighed loudly. “You can’t survive off of liquids alone, you know. You need to take care of yourself. You’re falling apart.”

I groaned loudly at the lecture and immediately six pairs of eyes were on me… seven, if you included Edwards. I momentarily forgot we were sitting in the high school cafeteria at a table with other people.

I didn’t look up at my friends and after a moment they went back to talking, ignoring me once again. I shot a glance at Edward, slightly irritated, but he was smiling brightly. I couldn’t help but smile in reaction, my annoyance immediately gone.

He was silent for a while, which I was thankful for. I had to keep reminding myself not to respond to him when others were around but sometimes it slipped my mind. I freaked Mike Newton out a few days earlier when he approached me in the grocery store… I hadn’t seen him there and assumed no one was around and was in the midst of a whispered conversation with Edward. I knew I looked crazy and he assumed I was talking to myself, which I guess technically I had been; he’d been sending me strange looks ever since.

I was comforted simply by Edward’s presence and didn’t need him to constantly speak. I didn’t even have to look at him all the time, as I could sense him and that alone put me at ease.

The bell rang, indicating lunch was over, and I jumped up quickly. Edward stood up and took his place beside me without saying a word. I turned to head to my math class when someone called my name.

“Are you okay Bella?” Angela asked softly as she approached me, loud enough only for me to hear. I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah I’m great,” I answered. She wasn’t convinced and eyed me warily. I saw her eyes roam my face and I sighed, knowing what she was looking at. She eventually said okay and hesitantly left, telling me she was there for me if I needed to talk.

My GHB use had started out slow. When Tyler got it for me the first time, I took a single capful and let the drug take hold. It hit within ten minutes, the effects just as strong as I’d remembered without the negative reaction. The high only lasted about two and a half hours, but it was long enough to satisfy me at the time. The second day I took another single dose. The third day, I took two doses… once in the morning, and once at night. The forth day, I wondered how many times I could take it in one day without really causing harm.

By the first weekend, I was out of GHB and needing more. I went to Tyler again and he got it for me, no questions asked.

I consumed the entire second bottle in less than 3 days. I’d realized that I could take another dose as soon as the effects of the first wore off and found myself sneaking a capful every few hours.

It was completely surreal; I felt like I was living on a different plane of existence. Edward came to me constantly; as soon as he’d fade I’d take another shot of the GHB and he’d reappear. I was drinking it like water, being careful not to take too much at once to avoid overdosing but found myself taking it around the clock.

I’d never felt happier. I thought everything was perfect, and I started feeling hole again. But I was in denial, the powerful drug clouding reality. Outside of my bubble, everything was crashing down.

Tyler was worried… I’d been going to him every two or three days needing more. He didn’t verbally question me, but the looks he gave me spoke volumes. I’d blown through all of my money, and a few days ago I swiped Charlie’s credit card from his wallet and pulled out every bit of cash I could from it. I convinced myself that it was fine; that it was only for emergencies and I’d find a way to pay the bill before Charlie ever even knew I’d used it.

But I hadn’t realized that Charlie was already suspicious of me… because I hadn’t realized exactly how much the GHB had taken over my life.

He confronted me, demanding to know what I’d taken the money for. I feigned ignorance but he wasn’t fooled. I was falling apart physically and couldn’t see it in my GHB haze…. but Charlie could see it. He grounded me, but that still wasn’t enough to deter me.

Last night, something shifted. I had taken a warm bath, getting ready for bed. I took a swig of the GHB and stood in the bathroom, brushing my hair and gazing at myself in the mirror. I blow dried my hair and was running my fingers through the locks when the drug started to kick in. Out of nowhere, it was as if I lost control of my body. My head snapped forward involuntarily, hitting the mirror with so much force that it shattered. Blood started running down my face from a large gash on my forehead. I panicked and passed out. I came to after awhile, the front of me covered in blood but thankfully I was no longer bleeding. I did my best to clean myself up but obviously I couldn’t hide it from Charlie. Early this morning he walked into the bathroom and found the shattered mirror and traces of my blood. He barged into my room, waking me up. He was frantic… once he realized I was physically okay, he grew furious. He paced around in front of me, yelling. I’d never seen him so hysterical before and it frightened me.

He ran out of my room mid-rant, gone just as quick as he had appeared. I heard him stomp down the stairs and slam the front door, getting into his cruiser and speeding away.

I was still half asleep and had a pounding headache, and had been too muddled to even actually respond or acknowledge Charlie during his outburst.

Needless to say, the gash on my forehead was gaping and I knew it needed stitches. I found a large bandage and put it over it, as I didn’t have time to get it sewn up before school. I also had bruising on my forehead and some slight purplish splotches under my eyes and around my nose. I looked as if I got into a fight and lost—like someone had kicked me in the face.

And because of that, people had been staring at me all day in school. I’d heard the whispers in the hallways, people wondering what the police chief’s daughter had gotten herself into.

My last few classes dragged by slowly. Edward stayed nearby, as usual, and remained fairly silent. Occasionally he’d chuckle or comment on something, but for the most part simply remained a fixture in the background. In last period he started fading, so I took a quick sip of GHB so he didn’t vanish completely. I kept it masked in a Dasani water bottle, and the liquid was clear, so no one ever questioned it.

When the last bell rang, I moseyed out to my truck and climbed in. I drove to the hospital and walked into the ER. Edward sat down in the back of the waiting room as I walked up to the desk. The lady working recognized me and smiled, asking me about Charlie. I mumbled that he was fine and quickly told her that I’d fallen last night and I thought my forehead needed stitches. She told me to have a seat and they’d call for me when they could.

I plopped down in the seat beside Edward. He smiled and put his arm around my shoulder, playing with the ends of my hair. He remained quiet, watching the people around us.

The wait was fairly long, at least an hour or so. “The service here has gotten a lot worse since Carlisle left,” Edward grumbled when they finally called my name. I chuckled. We went into an exam room and the nurse took my vitals and asked me a few obligatory questions. She asked me if I’d taken any drugs or alcohol recently and I stuttered a bit but told her no. There was no way I was admitting anything.

Dr. Snow came in shortly after. He didn’t smile at me and appeared guarded. The last time I’d been in his ER, it had been for a GHB overdose and Charlie had been on a rampage. I figured all friendliness he felt towards me went out the window that day.

He examined my head and told me I indeed needed a few stitches. I told him I’d fallen and he muttered something under his breath, not believing me. He stitched me up quickly, his demeanor cold. Edward hovered over him, growling lightly. He was furious about the way Dr. Snow was treating me.

Edward mumbled the entire way home from the hospital. I freaked out a bit when we arrived, as Charlie’s cruiser was already parked in the driveway. Edward saw my panic and reached over. He grabbed my hand, squeezing it.

“It’ll be okay Bella,” he said softly. His voice immediately soothed me. I sighed and climbed out of the truck. When I walked inside the house, I saw Charlie sitting on the couch. He was watching TV, a show on bass fishing. He didn’t look up at me, nor did he speak. I spotted a box of pizza on the table in front of him and realized that he’d gotten dinner for himself, I guess assuming I wouldn’t be around to cook anything.

I stalled in the room for a few moments, waiting for a reaction from him. I wanted to get it over with. I expected yelling, but it never came. He sat still and completely ignored my presence. I finally sighed and went upstairs.

Edward walked into my room and I stopped by the bathroom. I froze when I walked inside, noticing that Charlie had replaced the broken mirror already. I considered going back downstairs and thanking him, at least acknowledging what he’d done, because I felt bad. I decided against it, though… he didn’t yell before, but I knew bringing up the situation would be pushing my luck.

I went into my bedroom and crawled into bed. Edward laid down beside me, pulling me into his arms. His hands roamed my upper body, stroking my arms and side. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

“You didn’t eat anything today, Bella,” Edward said. I groaned and he chuckled. “I know, you’re tired of me hounding you about eating. But you’re getting too thin.”

“I’m not hungry,” I mumbled. He sighed but didn’t argue with me. “Charlie fixed the mirror,” I said after a moment.

“You know, he’s worried about you,” Edward said. “You don’t even have to be able to read minds to know that.”

“I know, but I’m fine.” I sat up some so I was eye-level with Edward. He smiled and reached his hand out to stroke my cheek. He was so mesmerizing.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me softly. “You will be,” he said as he pulled away. I smiled and laid my head down on his chest.

“I love you Edward,” I said. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head again.

“I love you too my Bella, and I’ll be here for as long as you need me.”