Ch 29 - Never Leaving You

Lost into your eyes
I find peace inside
My direction, I’ll never lose
Because I can tell you
I’ll never be
I’ll never be leaving you
I'll never leave
'Cause my heart can be broken apart
I’ll never be leaving you

“Never Leaving You” - Tormentum

A loud knock rang out, echoing through the apartment. I yelped and jumped, dropping my brush. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. I only had a towel on, wrapped around my torso.

The knocks rang out again. “Alice?” I yelled. “Can you get the door?”

I heard a chipper ‘sure’ come from the living room and smiled. Alice had been staying at my apartment with me the past three nights and it was a complete blast. I missed her company so much. We talked and joked. Alice played with my hair and played dress up with me. I usually despised being used as a dress up doll, but I didn’t mind it now. The girly time was exactly what I needed and I didn’t realize until now how much I craved it. The only thing that was missing was the company while I slept. I knew she’d lay down with me if I asked, but it simply wouldn’t be the same. She wasn’t Edward.

I wasn’t so sure Edward would ever lay with me again though. Three nights ago he bolted from my bed when things got tense and he hadn’t returned since. I kept asking Alice about it, about him, but she wasn’t giving me any information. She simply told me he was fine and that he’d be back when he could. I wasn’t convinced.

If I knew Edward like I believed I did, he was likely out there somewhere, isolating himself, wallowing in self-pity. I wasn’t naïve; I realized exactly how close we’d come to disaster. I knew I only made it out of that room alive three days ago because the little pixie in my living room used her powers to intervene. But I didn’t blame Edward. It was his nature--he couldn’t help it. And we couldn’t dwell on the ‘could-have-been’, I survived and that’s all that really mattered. Edward would see it differently, of course, and I doubted he ever planned on getting that close to me again.

I won’t deny that Edward frightened me that night and I realized I probably should truly fear him, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned over these past three days it’s that he brings something special into my life. Just his presence ignited something and makes everything seem worthwhile again. It was torture without him.

I threw my pajamas on and walked out into the living room. Alice stood near the front door, holding a bouquet of white carnations with splashes of red on them in one hand. Her other hand was clutching her cell phone, which she was talking into. I couldn’t make out anything she was saying with how low she was speaking.

She snapped the phone shut after a moment and turned to me.

“Jasper must really miss you,” I said. She looked at me questioningly and I laughed, motioning towards the flowers she as holding. “I didn’t peg you for a carnation girl though.”

She glanced down at the flowers and smiled. “Oh, yeah. I prefer pink roses actually but you know how guys are.” She rolled her eyes playfully and tossed the flowers down on the table.

“That’s sweet of him though. Is that who was at the door?”

Alice nodded. “You must be really tired Bella.”

I opened my mouth to disagree but instead yawned involuntarily. Alice laughed, motioning towards the bedroom. “Get some sleep.”

I sighed and nodded, turning and heading to the bedroom. I yelled ‘goodnight’ to Alice and turned off the lights, slipping under the covers.

Sleep came fast but it was restless. I was back in the accident again, hearing Lauren’s screams and breathing in the tainted air. When the blackness took me, James appeared. He started chasing me, attacking me—it had been a long time since I saw his face in my sleep. Everything went hazy and James disappeared. I heard laughter and turned to see Edward walk out of the fog. He was smiling and chuckling at something, his golden eyes sparkling. His laughter grew louder before morphing into a growl. His eyes darkened, the gold quickly fading into black. He crouched defensively, his lips pulling back exposing his teeth. I tried to run, tried to get away but I was stuck. Everything went hazy again and Edward started to fade. I heard giggling ring out, a girls voice. It was Lauren… I was back in the accident.

I woke up abruptly to a dark apartment. My heart was facing fast, sweat was covering my forehead. I glanced around, calling out Alice’s name.

“She left,” a voice said softly from across the room. I sat up quickly, startled. I looked over by the window and could make out his form in the moonlight shining in. He looked sad, guarded, unsure of himself. He ran his hand through his hair nervously, sighing. “I can get her to come back, if it makes you more comfortable.”

“No,” I said quickly, louder than intended. He looked over to me and cocked an eyebrow. “I mean, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

He nodded. We just sat gazing at each other for a moment, neither of us speaking or moving. Edward phone rang and he answered it quickly. He looked at me apologetically and started whispering into the phone. He turned to walk from the bedroom and I felt a swell of panic surge through me.

“Edward?” I said quickly. He froze in the doorway and lowered the phone from his ear.

“Yes Bella?”

“I’m glad you’re here,” I blurted out. I felt the blush rising up into my cheeks quickly at my admission. I brought my hands up to cover my face and Edward was at my side in an instant, pulling them away.

“Don’t hide,” he said softly, so close that I could smell the sweetness of his breath. It was intoxicating and I closed my eyes briefly, breathing in deep. He chuckled and I peeked at him to see the signature crooked grin on his face. I smiled brightly and he laughed again.

“Go back to sleep, I’ll be here.”

I nodded and lay back down. Edward brought the phone back to his ear and started speaking into it again, exiting the room quickly. I fell into a deep dreamless slumber.

I woke up the next morning to sunshine filtering into my window. I glanced around the room, noticing I was alone. I climbed out of bed and stretched, slowly making my way into the living room.

Edward was sitting on the couch, watching the news again. He looked serious, his attention fixated on the man on the screen talking about some body being found in the water across town. I groaned as the newscaster went on to say he had been dismembered and only the torso washed up on shore. Edward heard me and glanced in my direction. He changed the channel quickly, turning it to The Weather Channel.

“It’s fine, you can watch the news,” I said with a shrug, sitting down beside him on the couch. My arm brushed against him and he tensed up briefly. I quickly slid as far away from him as I could in order to give him space. He saw the movement and frowned, sighing and diverting his eyes away from me.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“Don’t apologize, Edward. It’s not your fault.”

He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. “If it’s not my fault, whose is it?”

“Why does it have to be anyone’s? Why can’t you just accept that it’s a fact of life? I have.”

He snapped his head in my direction, his eyes narrowed slightly. I nearly flinched at his expression. “Because it shouldn’t be that way, it’s not right. I almost killed you Bella!”

I rolled my eyes. “But you didn’t. I’m still here, I’m still breathing.”

“Yeah, because you were lucky. How long do you think that luck is going to last Bella? How many times is this going to happen before one of us finally succeeds in killing you?”

I flinched, the tone of his voice harsh. His light golden eyes were darkening slightly with his anger. He stood up and started pacing around.

“You shouldn’t have to constantly live in fear, you deserve better than that. You deserve to have a man that you can fall asleep beside without worrying if he’s going to lose control and end your life. I can’t even really kiss you Bella! Not without the fear of my venom injecting into your system or my teeth cutting you. You can’t even sit down beside me without scurrying away out of fear. What kind of life is that?! It’s not right, it shouldn’t be like this. You deserve better.”

“Then get out,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. His words stung, my heart racing fast. He was doing it again--pushing me away, finding reason to discard me like I was nothing to him. He was finding an excuse to walk away.

He froze mid-step, his eyes meeting mine quickly. He was stunned, my words catching him off guard. “What?”

“I said get out. If you want to leave, then leave.”

The words hurt as I spoke them, my voice breaking and a sob threatening to escape. My heart screamed for me to take it back, for me to tell him I didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t, because I needed to keep it together. I couldn’t be dependant on him anymore. As much as I wanted him, as much as I needed him, I needed to be strong. I needed to be stable. I couldn’t fall apart or crack. Edward had a right to walk away, he wasn’t obligated to me. And I had to hold myself together, for both of our sakes, and let him go if that’s what he needed.

Edward was gaping at me, confusion on his face. “Do you… want me to leave?” he asked softly after a moment. All traces of his anger were gone, his eyes melting back to their light golden color. There were traces of sadness evident in them as he looked at me.

“It doesn’t matter what I want Edward, it never did. All that ever mattered was what you thought was best for me. You never asked for my opinion before, why start now.”

He was taken back by my statement, his eyes widening. He didn’t respond, nor did he move. I stood up after a moment and started walking toward the bathroom. I paused briefly at the doorway.

I turned back to face him—he was still staring at me with surprise. “Just go now, if you’re going. Leave before I get too attached,” I said softly. I kept my voice even, my face blank. I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, locking it. The moment the lock clicked I lost my composure. I started trembling, my heart aching. I walked over and turned the shower on, slipping my clothes off quickly and stepping under the spray of the water. A sob escaped me and I brought my hand up to cover my mouth, trying to muffle my sobs. If he was still out there, I didn’t want him to hear me.

I slid down into the tub, my back against the side. The spray of the shower rained down on my head but I didn’t care. I sat there and cried, my tears being washed away by the water pelting my face.

When the water started subtly cooling, I forced myself up and washed my hair and body quickly. I shut the water off and got out, grabbing a towel to dry myself off. I glanced in the mirror and sighed. My eyes were red from crying.

I wrapped the towel around my body, ignoring my knotted and dripping hair. I opened the bathroom door and froze.

Edward was sitting on the couch, his head down. He had his hands in his hair, clutching the bronze locks tightly. He looked troubled, broken. He didn’t move or look up at me, just sat still. I saw his back move as he inhaled deeply, and then watched him shudder slightly.

I walked quickly to the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I was taken off guard by him still being there, trying to figure out what it meant. Did he want to stay? I walked to the closet and pulled out some clothes, throwing them on quickly. I needed to get my thoughts in order before I faced him again. I walked to the window and glanced out, smiling as the sunshine hit my face. My smile faltered quickly as realization dawned.

It was sunny. Where did I expect him to go? He couldn’t leave yet.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, trying to pull the knots out. All of my hope diminished, my heart breaking all over again. There was no way I could face him, knowing he would likely bolt out the front door the first opportunity he had to get away. So I grabbed my journal and a pen, and plopped down on my bed.

I spent the entire day locked away in my room, slipping out twice to quickly go to the bathroom. I didn’t eat anything, not wanting to go into the kitchen. Going to the kitchen meant walking past Edward, who was still sitting on the couch with his head lowered.

I sat watching the sunset through my window. I heard my front door open and click shut the moment the sun departed. I closed my eyes and sighed, trembling slightly. He was leaving. I peeked out and looked down, watching as Edward sprinted across the street, slipping into his Volvo quickly. He started it up without hesitation, pulling out and speeding away.

I walked away from the window and flopped down on the bed. I felt my eyes well up with tears and didn’t fight them. They streamed down my cheeks and I lay still, silently crying.

I forced myself up off the bed after an hour and walked into the bathroom. I splashed water on my face, washing away my tears. My eyes were puffy, my face blotchy.

I walked out to the living room and yelped as my front door swung open. I clutched my chest as my heart started racing, and my eyes widened. Edward stood in front of me, his nervousness apparent in his expression. He was holding a brown bag in his hand, and eyeing me cautiously.

“I thought you might be hungry,” he said, holding the bag out to me. I smiled lightly and reached out to take it.

“Thank you,” I said softly. He nodded, bringing his hand up to run his fingers through his hair.

“You’re welcome.”

I walked over to the table and sat the bag down. I walked into the kitchen and pulled a can of diet coke out, opening it. I walked back to the table and sat it down, reaching into the bag and pulling out a Styrofoam container. I opened it and smiled: Mushroom Ravioli.

I glanced over and saw that Edward was still standing in spot, the front door still wide open.

“Are you staying or leaving?” I asked. I tried to act nonchalant about it, but he could hear my heartbeat pick up. He sighed and turned, closing the door. He hesitated briefly but walked to the table, pulling a chair out. He motioned for me to sit down and I obliged. He pulled out the chair across from me and sat down.

“You eat, I’ll talk,” he said softly, pointing at the food in front of me. I smiled.

“Déjà vu,” I muttered, spearing a piece of ravioli and popping it in my mouth. It was yummy, not as great as the mushroom ravioli at La Bella Italia in Port Angeles but good, none-the-less. Edward chuckled, obviously having done it this way on purpose.

He nodded. He hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I’m dangerous Bella, there’s no doubt about it. I’ve said it countless times, but I don’t think I can say it enough. I’m dangerous.”

I nodded once, taking another bite.

“I never thought you really grasped that concept which is why I always took control, doing what I felt was best for you. I never meant to do it to hurt you; I did it to try to help you. I realize that was wrong. Alice has told me so many times exactly how wrong it was, but it wasn’t until you said what you said earlier today that it sunk in.”

I nodded again. He paused briefly, looking at the food in front of me. I took another bite quickly to appease him and he smiled.

“Even though it seems I’ve disregarded it in the past, I need to respect your opinion. I need to take into account what you want. I always swore I’d give you anything and everything you ever wanted, but I realize I never bothered to ask you what that was, and every time you did express a desire with me I blew it off as being ridiculous, chalking it up to you not understanding how dangerous I am.”

He hesitated, gazing across the table at me. He was frowning, seeming unsure of what he was going to say next. I ate some more, waiting on him to continue.

“After the other night, I’ve realized that you do understand, and as absurd as it is you really just don’t care. When I lost control you just… accepted it. You know the risks and you’re still willing to take the chances. What right do I have to deny you that?”

His eyes bore into mine, his gaze intense. I stared back, my fork midway to my mouth.

“I can never leave you again. Ever. If you want me gone, you’re going to have to tell me flat out that you no longer want me. Otherwise, I’m never leaving. I love you Bella, I mean that.”

Hope swelled through me, my heart racing. His expression and tone told me that he meant every word. He wasn’t leaving.

I sat still, staring at him while he stared back. He smirked after a moment, pointing at my fork still held in the air.

“Eat, Bella.”