Ch 61 - I'd Do Anything

This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
Cuz I know
I won't forget you

“I'd Do Anything” - Simple Plan

Edward POV

The moment the helicopter disappeared from sight, I felt my knees give out and collapsed. Alice caught me before I hit the ground and glanced around, making sure no one was watching. She sat me down gently and squatted in front of me.

“I know it hurts,” she said, her voice breaking. She was trying to stay composed for my sake but Alice was in pain too. Alice loved Bella. “You have to be strong though, Edward. Bella’s going to need you.”

I nodded, knowing that already, but it didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t stop the pain or the heartbreak. I felt like my body was being ripping in half, like I was being torn to shreds.

She was quiet for a moment. “Do you remember that journal you gave Bella for Christmas?” she asked softly. I nodded. “Do you know where it is?” I nodded again, clearly remembering throwing it in a small box when I packed up our apartment. “It’s in a box in the living room.”

Alice stood up and held her hand out to me. I took it and she helped me up off of the ground. She practically dragged me across the parking lot and opened the passenger door to Carlisle’s Mercedes, pushing me inside. She climbed into the drivers seat and started the car up, pulling away from the hospital.

She drove through town and bypassed the road leading out towards Forks. I glanced at her with confusion and she smiled lightly. “We’re going to go to your house so you can change your clothes.”

I turned my head to look out the window again as the scenery flew by. Alice pulled up at the house and we climbed out, heading inside. I nearly lost it again, my knees buckling as I walked inside, but I gripped the wall to keep myself upright. Bella loved this house and was so excited to be moving into it. Everywhere I looked I could imagine her, fluttering around happily. We could’ve been happy here—we would’ve been.

The place faintly smelled of Rosalie. I glanced around, noticing the rest of the stuff from the apartment had been moved. I turned to look at Alice questioningly and she smiled lightly.

Rosalie wanted to help, she thought.

I nodded and turned to walk upstairs to the bedroom slowly, changing my clothes to appease Alice. I realized I’d been wearing the same thing for days but it really didn’t matter to me. Nothing did anymore. The love of my life, the reason for my existence was dying. I would be dead soon too—I couldn’t survive without her.

“Alice?” I said after a moment, knowing she’d hear me regardless of where she was in the house.

“Yes?”

“Can you head back to Forks awhile? I’d really like some time alone.”

Alice hesitated. I knew she was afraid to leave me alone, afraid I wasn’t stable and would do something stupid. “Okay,” she said softly after awhile.

I heard the front door open and click shut, and the car start up. The moment I heard it disappear down the street and knew I was out of earshot of Alice, I collapsed onto the floor and screamed as loud as I could.

“Why?!!” I yelled. “What did we do to deserve this??”

My body was convulsing, rocking with sobs and tears that would never fall. The pain was excruciating, my chest constricting. I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.

I don’t know how long I lay there, sobbing and screaming incoherently. I needed to get it all out, let go of the anger I was feeling over the situation before I faced Bella again. I was infuriated—we were being robbed, stripped of what we’d worked so hard for. We’d both suffered and somehow managed to come back together and find happiness again, and in one split second it was all stolen from us.

I finally composed myself and pulled myself off of the ground. I inhaled deeply, taking in Bella’s rich scent. It lingered in the house, clinging to all of our belongings. It was heavenly, intoxicating, a scent I never wanted to forget.

I headed out and sprinted across town to the Volvo, which I had left parked at the apartment. It took me awhile to get there and I jumped in the car quickly. Bella’s scent lingered here too, in the upholstery.

I drove to Forks quickly, lost in thought the entire time. I pulled up at the hospital and stepped inside, smelling the bitter werewolf scent. Jacob Black was here but I couldn’t muster up any hatred or anger about it. He wasn’t any threat to Bella in her condition.

I started up the stairs and zeroed my attention in on the sound of Bella’s heart. It was slowing but still pretty stable. Based on the proximity of Jacob’s thoughts I’d say he was at her bedside. He was thinking about everything he’d done for her, everything they’d been through. His thoughts drifted to the future and I froze in place.

I was stunned, the reason for him being here echoing through his mind. He was waiting for me, wanting to talk to me. He wanted to try one last time to save her, this time doing what he felt Bella would want. Saving her in the way he thought she’d want to be saved, and not how he wanted her to be saved.

It was brave of him, knowing his nature. I was surprised, to say the least. Jacob Black despised my kind--that was clear. And his hatred for me was evident also. But he was here to essentially grant his permission for me to break the treaty. As Ephraim Black’s grandson, he ultimately had the last word on it. We’d made the treaty with Ephraim, and as his heir he was technically Alpha. Sam may lead the pack, but Jacob truly made the laws. I always wondered why he never used his power before, figured maybe he never realized it. It was clear now he was well aware of his true position, he just didn’t want it. But he’d take it, he’d take the leadership role this time, if that’s what it took to save Bella one final time.

I walked to the door to her room slowly. Jacob acknowledged me, smelling me and tensed up, waiting for me to be hostile. But I wouldn’t be—couldn’t be. I respected him too much right now.

He looked at me and was stunned when he realized that I loved Bella. He’d always figured me to be purely after self-gratification, incapable of actually caring about anyone but myself. I told him he was right—that I did love her—and told him I knew what he wanted.

He asked that regardless of whether or not Bella actually died, he wanted us all to leave. He wanted the vampires gone. I had no problem agreeing to that, already having planned on never stepping foot in Forks again when this was over. The rest of the family also planned to leave anyway, unable to stay any longer without drawing suspicion. Plus, Bella was the only reason any of us had returned in the first place. If she’s not here, we have no reason to be any longer. He also didn’t want to know my decision, wanted to go on believing what he wanted to believe.

As he turned to leave I thanked him, for saving her when I couldn’t. He said that only I could save her now.

I always thought I knew what was right, what was best. But right now I was truly lost.

After Jacob left I sat down beside Bella, grabbing her hand. I felt the electricity and sighed, closing my eyes.

I was so torn. I was so desperate, not wanting to lose her from my life. She meant everything to me, she was my entire universe. I wanted to be selfish, so selfish. I wanted to sink my teeth into her flesh and allow my venom to course through her system. I wanted to change her, transform her so that she would eternally be mine.

I dropped Bella’s hand and brought my hands up into my hair, gripping it tightly. I let my elbows rest on my knees and gazed down at the floor

The problem was, I didn’t know what Bella wanted. Once upon a time she wanted me to change her, but the subject hadn’t really been approached since our reunion. She’d agreed to marry me, said many times that she wanted to spend forever with me, but the subject of actually turning her hadn’t been discussed. I gathered from thoughts on Christmas Even that Sue had informed her changing others was forbidden in the treaty and that Bella had told her she didn’t know if that’s what she wanted for the future. Had she just been saying that for Sue’s sake, or did she not really know?

And there was a bigger problem. Bella was dying and soon her heart would stop. Her soul would be released and she’d go to heaven. I was open to the idea of our kind having a soul now, knowing I wouldn’t be in so much pain if I didn’t. But just because I had a soul didn’t mean I wasn’t forsaken. Just because I had a soul didn’t mean I’d be welcomed into heaven. Even the evil had souls.

How could Bella ever forgive me for that? How could she ever love me, knowing my actions had taken away her only chance to get to heaven? If I allowed Bella to die, she’d someday meet up with her loved ones again. She’d see Charlie and Renee in heaven; she’d find eternal peace. How could I ever consider taking that from her, after she just got her parents back again? How could I ever prioritize myself over them?

“It wouldn’t be heaven without you, Edward.”

My head shot up quickly. The words were faint, barely audible, a breathy whisper. I glanced around, my eyes wide with confusion. It was unmistakable, clearly Bella’s voice. It was like hearing thoughts but it couldn’t be, it was impossible.

I reached out and grabbed her hand again, feeling the spark between us. I closed my eyes, sighing.

“I can feel you.”

The words came again, faintly. I smiled involuntarily at the sound of her voice.

“You’re my fate Edward.”

As she was mine. I remember when Bella talked about her hallucinations; she said she heard my voice in her mind when she was desperate for me. It was realistic, as if I were really there. Was that what this was? Was I so completely desperate not to lose her that I was fighting with everything I had to keep her memory alive?

“I’ll never stop fighting for you.”

I sighed, my body trembling lightly with sobs needing to escape. Oh my Bella, I’ll never stop fighting for you either, I thought. The problem was I didn’t know what to fight for, I didn’t know what she wanted. I wished she could just tell me; just let me know what I’m supposed to do.

“I really want you to save me. But if you can’t I understand. I just need you to know that I love you, and I understand that what’s meant to be will be.”

I gasped loudly as the words filtered to me. I wanted to save her so badly, make this right for her but didn’t know how. Was I saving her by letting her go, letting her rest peacefully and go to heaven like the angel she truly was destined to be? Or was changing her saving her?

“Edward?” Alice’s voice chimed in from behind me. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I whispered, choking on the word. “I don’t know what to do Alice. I don’t know how to help her. God, I love her so much!”

Alice walked forward, placing her hand on my shoulder. I know you love her, she thought. She loves you, too.

I nodded. “I wish I could just talk to her, wish she could tell me what she wanted me to do. I just heard her, I swear I did but maybe I’m just going crazy. Maybe I’m just imaging it.”

“You heard her?” she asked with shock.

“Yeah, it was just like hearing thoughts. But I’ve never been able to hear her thoughts before. What if I just imagined her voice, imagined her saying the words I longed to hear.”

Alice sighed. “Here,” she said softly. I glanced back and saw her holding out the leather bound journal I had bought Bella. She asked me earlier today where it was but I couldn’t be bothered at the time to even care why she wanted to know. She must’ve swiped it from the house.

“What’s this for?” I asked, confused.

“Read it,” she said, smiling. My brow furrowed in confusion.

“She hasn’t even written in it yet, has she?”

Alice nodded. “She has. And I really think you should read it. I think it’ll answer your questions.”
I sighed, taking the journal cautiously from her. She turned and exited the room, shutting the door behind her to give me the illusion of privacy.

I glanced down at the journal, running my hand along the cover. I opened it hesitantly, my eyes immediately falling upon Bella’s handwriting. It was adorable, messy but feminine. I ran my hand along the page, feeling the small groves from the pen pressing down.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to read. This was as close as I was going to get to a glimpse into her thoughts, the inner workings of Bella’s mind.

~*~

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. A year ago I believed my life was over, that too much had happened for me to ever be able to regain any aspect of it again. I was walking and talking, doing what I needed to do to make it through the day, but essentially I was dead. I thought I died along with Lauren in the accident but that I simply wasn’t granted the same peace as her. The peace to move on from this life. I may have been numb, but never was I in peace.

Then Edward appeared. Edward made me feel again. He made me hope, and dream, and love. Everything I thought was gone forever suddenly resurfaced. I felt alive, felt like maybe my life hadn’t ended along with Lauren’s.

But I was wrong, because the simple truth was that the moment I crashed that truck into the tree my life did end. I could never go back, can never regain what it is I lost.

I have another life now—my old life came to an end and a new one began. It was like a Phoenix, dying in the flames and rising from its ashes.

There are so many memories from my old life that I could talk about. I remember that year I came to visit Charlie over the summer, I think I was 6 or so, and he took me out on the boat to fish. I caught my first fish that day and when it tugged on my line I was pulled overboard. I couldn’t swim—Charlie had to dive in and pull me out. I told him he was my hero. I remember that time Renee watched “Ghost Hunters” and decided we should give ghost hunting a try. She pulled me out of bed at midnight, the night before I had a big test, and dragged me to some cemetery across town. She had flashlights and a video camera, prepared to document the entire thing. She swore she saw a ghost that night. We stayed up until dawn and I fell asleep during my test, failing it. It was my first F but I wasn’t upset—it had been worth it. I love both of my parents deeply. Neither of them are perfect, but they were perfect for me. I had my fair share of pain in my old life also. Edward walking away from me, leaving me alone in the woods comes to mind. It culminated in pain also—the pain from the knowledge that I took someone else’s life.

But all of that ended. Both of my parents made appearances in my new life and I’m thankful for the closure. But I’m not the daughter they raised anymore and I can’t pretend to be either. I’ve come to realize that nothing will ever bring Lauren back and that accidents happen. I’m sorry for the suffering I caused and the best way to honor her memory is by living life. And as for Edward—well, what happened back then doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive himself but I forgive him. We all make mistakes, after all. It doesn’t matter that he walked away, what truly matters is that he returned.

I’m ready to finally let go of my old life. I’m ready to put the girl that I was to rest.

Edward has become my sanctuary, my peace, my shelter in the storm. Some people might think that’s unhealthy, that I’m being codependent, but I’ve come to realize that him and I are simply two halves to a whole. If separated, we can’t function. We fit perfectly, destined to be together forever. We’re the true definition of soul mates. And Edward has a beautiful soul. I should know, because I feel it every day. Part of him lives in me, as part of me lives inside of him. That’s why there’s such a spark when we touch, why the electricity flies when we’re connected. We’re both finally whole again—we’re both finally home.

I can’t predict what the future holds. I’m not exactly psychic like Alice. I do know, however, that it involves Edward. Because without him there is no future, without him I have no life. Edward is my new life, the only life that matters now. I can endure anything as long as he’s by my side. I don’t know when or if he’ll ever change me, but I am positive that years won’t be enough with him. I need centuries, millenniums. I have faith that it’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.

If Edward does change me, there’s only one memory from my human life that I couldn’t bare to lose. That memory is when Edward proposed to me. That was the moment when he showed me he wanted me forever, when I knew for sure he needed eternity with me also. Everything else I can survive without, but I don’t want to forget how it felt the first time I knew without a doubt that he was truly mine to keep.

If we asked Alice, I’m sure she’d have a vision for us that would answer all of our questions about the future. I’m sure she’s known all along and is simply waiting for us to get ourselves together and see the light. I don’t think we give her enough credit for her patience.

~*~

I closed the journal, intense emotions surging through me. I glanced up at Bella and sighed.

She’s right you know. I have known all along, Alice’s thoughts said from nearby. You’ve always known, too.

Alice immediately brought forth the vision and I gasped, realization immediately dawning. How could I have so easily forgotten? It was the unwavering vision, the one that had been plaguing Alice since the very day Bella walked into the biology classroom. The strongest vision she ever had.

An immortal Bella hugging Alice in the middle of a field. The vision was still there, still unwavering. Still Fate.