Ch 21 - Astoria Paranoia

Is there something going on around me
Is there something I should know?
Everything just seems to vanish in the haze
And the dust it settles in
Whoa - Lost inside my mind

“Astoria Paranoia” – Living Edge

It was dark out as I left Charlie’s house. I was feeling lighter, freer. Obviously Charlie and I still had problems we needed to work out before we could truly establish our relationship again, but it was nice being able to see him and be in his presence without open hostility between us.

I started across the street towards my car when a form stepped out from the bushes, startling me. I jumped and yelped, my heart faltering and then racing.

“Bella,” Jacob said, his voice oozing the same hostility that had been etched in his features earlier inside the house.

“Hey Jake,” I said, my voice low. I had never before been scared of Jacob Black, but right now I was. He took a few steps in my direction, but the closer he got the more hostile he appeared to become. He was shaking again and I knew that indicated his body wanted to phase but he was fighting it off.

“I didn’t save your life for you to just throw it away,” he spat after a moment. I furrowed my brow in confusion and took a step back instinctively.

“What are you talking about?” I stammered.

“I can smell it, I can smell them on you,” he practically growled. “Those filthy bloodsuckers reek and you smell just like them.”

I gasped. I had spent the night at the Cullen’s and it didn’t even dawn on me that their scent would be all over me. Of course Jacob would smell it—he was designed to sense vampires.

“I, uh…” I stammered, unsure of what to say. I knew how the entire reservation felt about the Cullen’s, Jacob especially. Jacob, like Charlie, blamed Edward for my downfall.

“How could you? He ruined your life, look what he did to you! I did everything I could to save you, to put you back together. I pulled you from a burning vehicle to save your life! And the first chance you get you run right back to that bloodsucker. Maybe I should’ve just let you die, you don’t seem to care about staying alive,” he spat.

My eyes widened and the color drained from my face upon his words. I felt sick.

“That’s enough dog,” a voice growled behind me. I swung around quickly and gasped. Edward stood in the middle of the road, crouched slightly. I could hear the growl rumbling in his chest, his lips pulled back exposing his teeth. Edward never truly frightened me, even knowing what he was capable of as a vampire… but gazing at him in the dark street, in defensive mode, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my instincts scream out for me to run. He looked inhuman, ferocious. He looked exactly like the monster he’d always warned me he was… he always said he was designed to kill and standing there, it finally hit me. He was. I’d seen him like this before, with James, but I had been so caught up in the chaos of the moment I only saw Edward as my savior. Now… he looked like the predator. Edward Cullen was dangerous.

Jake focused his attention to Edward, shaking even harder. I could tell he was dangerously close to phasing and I knew he’d be unable to control himself soon if something or someone didn’t intervene. Jake’s expression was murderous.

I slowly took a few steps backward, away from them both. I wasn’t exactly sure who frightened me more at the moment, Edward or Jacob. I truly believed neither would intentionally hurt me but was well aware that accidents happened. I’d seen Emily—I knew what happened to innocent bystanders when werewolves lost control and phased. I also knew firsthand what happened when vampire’s lost control of themselves. Jasper had lost every ounce of his humanity at the drop of the dime, completely unaware of what he was doing. Edward had more control than Jasper, but I knew he had a hard time controlling his bloodlust with me… I was afraid of what would possibly happen if he let that inner monster out.

“You’re not wanted here leech,” Jacob spat. “Go back to whatever pit of Hell you crawled out of.”

Edward snarled, his eyes darkening. My heartbeat accelerated, my heart pounding loudly and frantically. It made my chest physically hurt with its force. Edward must’ve sensed it because he shot a look in my direction. His face softened momentarily, but he quickly diverted his attention back to Jacob. His growling grew louder.

I heard rustling nearby and swung around. I gasped as two massive forms exited the tree line. The wolves were crouched low and growling lightly. They hung back and a smaller form exited the trees behind them. It was a human and they approached us slowly, hesitantly. As they neared I recognized them--Sam. He shot me a quick glance before focusing on the situation between Edward and Jacob.

“We don’t want a fight,” Sam said as he approached, looking at Edward. Edward shot Sam a look of disbelief, not breaking his aggressive stance.

“Jacob seems to disagree, he wants nothing more than to have a chance to fight me,” Edward said, his voice menacing.

“This is unnecessary,” Sam said. He turned to Jake, shaking his head. “There’s no reason for you to provoke him.”

Jake laughed humorlessly. “You’re wrong. This filthy bloodsucker is destroying Bella’s life. He may not have bit her but he’s killing her regardless. It’s our duty to protect innocents from scum like him.”

Sam shook his head. “I wouldn’t call Bella an innocent, she’s free to make her own choices. She knows what he is and if she chooses to still associate with him than that’s on her. We’re outside of the reservation and technically on the bloodsucker’s land. We won’t be the one to break the treaty. He hasn’t bitten her therefore we’re out of it.” He spoke with authority.

Jake looked at Sam, a mixture of disbelief and rage crossing his features. I glanced over at Edward and movement caught my eye. Three forms approached the scene and I recognized them immediately. Jasper and Emmett stopped a few yards away as Carlisle advanced to where Edward stood.

“I hope there isn’t a problem here,” Carlisle said, his voice relatively nonchalant. He came off as being calm and completely in control, the exact opposite of Edward.

“No, we were just leaving. Come on Jacob,” Sam said. He started backing away but Jacob stood his ground, not moving. Sam grabbed a hold of Jacobs arm and pulled on him. “I said we’re leaving.”

Jacob hesitantly took a few steps backward with Sam, still looking furious. He glanced over to where I stood and narrowed his eyes at me. My heartbeat started racing again, his expression frightening me. Edward growled loudly at Jacob, but Carlisle grabbed a hold of him in an attempt to calm him down. I glanced between Edward and Jacob, who were both retreating backwards but now locked in a deadly stare.

I was frozen in spot. Carlisle and Sam seemed to have diffused the situation slightly, but Edward and Jacob were both ticking time bombs. There was no telling when one of them was going to go off.

It was all my fault. The treaty was on fragile ground, dangerously close to being broken. A war between supernatural creatures was possibly brewing because two people felt they had to protect me. They both meant well, both simply trying to look out for my well-being. I was caught in the middle, once again on the brink of ruining people’s lives.

Without thinking, I sprinted to my car. I opened the driver’s door and jumped in, slamming it and locking it behind me. I had no idea why I bothered to lock it, as any one of them were capable of ripping the door straight off of the car. I fumbled for my keys and nearly dropped them, but was able to put the key in the ignition and start the car up without much delay. I threw the car in gear and quickly swung it around in a u-turn, nearly hitting someone in the road. They jumped and I heard metal banging above me as they landed on the roof of my car. They leapt back off and I looked in the rearview mirror at them… Edward. He yelled my name but I just slammed my foot on the gas, wanting to get away from it all.

The tire’s squealed as the car took off. The speedometer inched higher and higher but I paid it no attention as I headed out of the Forks city limits. I was running and I knew it was cowardly but I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t destroy any more people; I couldn’t be the cause of more devastation.

My heart still hadn’t completely calmed and my hands were shaking. My thoughts were frantic, my mind going in a dozen different directions.

A deer ran out in front of me on US-101, about 20 miles outside of Seattle. I slammed on the brakes hard and was jolted forward, the car abruptly stopping. I could smell the rubber burning on the tires and could see the smoke coming from them in the mirrors. I started hyperventilating, flashes of the accident on the same road a year ago coming to me. The burning smell, the smoke. I could hear Lauren’s screaming in my mind. The road was completely deserted and dark. I glanced out the window and thought I saw movement in the trees. I frantically looked around, searching for anything but all I saw was darkness. I knew either one of them could’ve easily followed. The hair on the back of my neck was standing up—I was in a complete panic.

My phone rang and I screamed, startled. I picked it up and my heart started racing harder. Caller ID Unknown.

“Who is this?” I asked frantically, answering it. There was complete silence again. I knew that it wasn’t Edward and the silence that used to comfort me was now eerie, frightening.

I hung up and hit the gas quickly. A horn blared as a car swerved around me, nearly striking me… I hadn’t bothered to look before going and didn’t see the car coming up on me. I screamed again, caught of guard and scared. My entire body was trembling as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I started back on the road towards Seattle slowly and scrolled through the address book on my phone. I found the number I was looking for and called it quickly.

“Hello?” Dr. Nelson said upon picking up.

“Dr. Nelson, it’s Isabella,” I said, my voice trembling.

“What’s wrong Isabella? Is everything okay?” he asked. He was alarmed, the panic evident in his voice. I called his home number, which was reserved for emergencies only.

“I, uh… I got my drivers license back and got a car and just went to Forks, my dad had a heart attack, and I saw Edward when I was there and then I ran into Jake and then those two got into a fight over me, and then I ran away and that was stupid but I didn’t know what to do, I’ve ruined too many lives as it is, and then on the way home I almost got into an accident and I’m really freaked out to be driving and someone keeps calling me and it’s not Edward like I thought it was,” I rambled off quickly.

“Slow down Isabella,” Dr. Nelson said, obviously having a hard time keeping up with my train of thought.

“I’m scared and I don’t know what to do,” I said. I was sobbing uncontrollably now.

He sighed. He asked me to meet him at the hospital and I agreed, telling him I was about 20 minutes away. I hung up the phone and sped up, wanting to get there as soon as possible. My chest was burning and it hurt to breath, caused by a mixture of the panic attack and the force of the seatbelt against me when I slammed on my brakes. I got to the hospital and pulled into the parking lot, whipping into the first spot I saw open. I saw Dr. Nelson standing by the front doors waiting on me. I got out of the car and my legs were wobbly, my body still trembling. I took a step and nearly collapsed but grabbed onto the hood to stabilize myself. Dr. Nelson approached me quickly, grabbing my arm and trying to help hold me up.

“Let’s get you inside. I don’t feel comfortable letting you go home in this condition, I’m recommending that you check in. It’s temporary and you will be able to check out whenever.”

I froze momentarily at the thought of checking into the hospital. Checking in felt like admitting defeat, like agree that I was still crazy. I admittedly was in a panic but I wasn’t insane… was I?

“But, uh, I’m not catatonic or anything,” I stammered.

“True, but none-the-less I think this is for the best.”

I nodded after a moment, resigned. Dr. Nelson helped me inside. He helped me sit down in a chair right inside the front entrance. Thankfully since he was a doctor and I was a patient and former resident of the hospital he was able to rush paperwork through to get me admitted. I signed the admission paperwork quickly, voluntarily committing myself, and Dr. Nelson went to file it. I sat in the front lobby, rocking slightly and sobbing, trying to compose myself. I could hear Dr. Nelson down the hallway talking to someone, telling them that I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Was that what this was?

I glanced up at the front door and screamed, startled. Edward stood a few feet away from the door, staring at me. His expression was heartbreaking, the pain he felt clearly etched on his features. He looked devastated and I felt my heart falter. I did this to him--I was destroying him. Mere hours ago I had been standing in his bedroom, in Forks, and he had confessed his love for me. It felt so surreal. I had to make it right, I had to fix it. I had to make his hurt go away.

“Isabella?” Dr. Nelson’s frantic voice sounded as he came down the hallway. He’d heard me scream. “Are you okay?”

I glanced at him quickly as he entered before focusing back on the door.

“No No No No!” I yelled, noticing Edward was gone. I jumped up and started towards the door, my legs nearly giving out. “Edward!! Come Back!!”

Dr. Nelson grabbed a hold of me, trying to stop me. I started fighting him, trying to get out of his grasp. I needed to find Edward, needed to explain. I had no idea what I was doing--I panicked when I ran. I was scared and made a mistake. He said he loved me and I shouldn’t have left him.

I heard Dr. Nelson call for help and two men bounded into the room, each grabbing me to try to help Dr. Nelson contain me. I fought them with all I had. “Let me go!!” I screamed. “I have to get Edward, I have to find him!!”

“Edward’s not here, Isabella,” Dr. Nelson said sharply. I squirmed, trying to get out of their grasp as they pulled me farther away from the door.

“He is!! He was just here!” I yelled. “You have to let me go!”

I heard others enter the room but didn’t pay them any attention--they didn’t matter to me. All that mattered was Edward. I needed to get away; I needed to see him. He had to know that I didn’t run away because of anything he did wrong. I had to tell him that I loved him and I just didn’t want to hurt him. I ruined so many people… I hurt my mom and nearly destroyed her marriage. I hurt my father, damaging his reputation and driving him to heart failure. I destroyed the Mallory family by killing their daughter. And Tyler… I’d brought on his downfall, regardless of what happened to him. His family would never know and it was all my fault. I couldn’t ruin Edward also, he was too important to me.

I heard Dr. Nelson use words like ‘sedation’ and ‘delusions’ but I couldn’t focus on him, I had to get away. I was yelling and fighting with every ounce of strength I could muster. People grabbed my legs to help pick me up and I kicked as hard as I could, but I couldn’t seem to escape.

The people holding me placed me on a gurney and restrained my arms and legs. I was sobbing and confused, couldn’t figure out why they were doing this to me. I felt a sharp prick in my thigh and yelped. I looked down and saw someone had poked me with a needle. “What are you doing?” I yelled.

“Calm down Isabella. This is a combination of Midazolam and Haloperidol. It’s going to relax you,” Dr. Nelson said. I shook my head frantically, willing him to understand.

“No you can’t do this, I have to see Edward!” They held me down to stop me from moving as the drugs were administered.

After they removed the needle, they started moving me toward the elevator. I was screaming, trying to get them to understand. I wasn’t crazy, they didn’t need to be doing this to me. But they ignored my outburst, trying to keep me contained as they transferred me up to the second floor to be monitored.

We arrived on the second floor and I was taken to a room that resembled your average hospital room, with monitors and oxygen supplements present in case they’re needed. I felt myself growing weaker, my vision getting hazy from exhaustion. I realized the drugs were kicking in already. Although it was a first for me, I’d seen patients sedated before and knew what happened next—in a matter of moments, I would be completely out of it.

Deep dreamless sleep came quickly.